Imma put my cat on the mic

i love when tragedies are like “the love was there. it didnt change anything. it didnt save anyone. there were just too many forces against it. but it still matters that the love was there”

Yeah okay, I'll rebark that!

i like seeing how many people cried real tears in the notes

sometimes you just have to peel the entire skin off your lips because self-care

does he know.

Everyone wish me luck on my date today I’m so nervous what if they don’t like me…

You show up and Michael B Jordan is sitting in both seats.

☝️only funny addition so far. I’m actually shocked nobody else thought of that yet

stepped on a plum (overripe plum) (barefoot) it was on the driveway got out of the car and accidentally (didn't know it was there) stepped on the plum (warm) (on the ground) (it had fallen from the tree) barefoot (no shoes) wearing long pants (too long) (need to hem them) plum viscera got on them (the pants) unexpected plum on the driveway (hot plum) (97 degrees out) already super hungover (throwing up all morning) (should not have been driving at all) and I stepped out of the car (black car) (97 degrees out) and onto the plum (unexpected) (didn't know the plum was there) and it burst (plum nightmare on my only good pair of sweatpants) still we find ways to keep ourselves going from day to day

guess what post just got read aloud in poetry club tonite by an unknowing club member as I watched on in terror

stairs are so funny. falling 100 meters will kill you. solution? fall 10 centimeters a thousand times.

they invented all those neat si prefixes and people still talk like this

falling a hectometer will kill you. solution? fall a decimeter a kilotime.

Your job is to crawl around on all fours through the aisles and scare all the customers

Oat milk was discovered much more recently than you may have known. Like many now-familiar technologies, it was found by accident during the Apollo program when NASA learned what a zero-g environment does to goat milk.

manipulate your genitals

jerking off is gay because you’re the same gender as yourself

Please anyone tell me if I accidentally reblog sth ai generated! It's NEVER intentional