Worms

Who was I

God I hate my mom I’m physically sick right now because she’s stalking me again. Don’t FUCKING say your abuse is just “A mothers job” Because I could never treat Ellie the way she treats me, the fucking disgusting monster.  I do hope she “Grows up to treat me like I treat her” because that’d mean she’s strong enough to get through anything, and to know when she’s worth more than someones punching bag. Because I’ll never be a monster to her.  It’s not a mothers job to hit and scream and stalk and spit on their kid in a corner and kidnap them and refuse them food or showers for days and weeks not letting them leave or call for help after you point guns at them while they beg you to stop because you love them FUCK YOU YOU SHOULD BE IN PRISON FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME

Down six pounds in a week and like two days I can only give her formula now because I’m not eating enough for my body to feed her anymore I’m getting maybe 700 calories a day? When someone makes sure I eat? I just wanna be small and boyish  like I used to be years ago everyones been misgendering me lately and I can’t take it please for the love of god someone just tell me I’m handsome or correctly gender me for a while I can’t take it

After like a four hour long panic attack, even though he had to have been frazzled from almost getting arrested, he still got me my favorite bag of chips, gave me a halloween present early, and turned on Rozen Maiden to make me feel better. I don’t deserve him.

Me: *Wonders why I have such a hard time when I show emotion, freak out when I cry in front of anybody, and try to hide every little negative emotion ever and convinced myself Im going to be dumped if I cry for any reason* Me: *Remembers the time my family told me to chill out and quit being dramatic because I was crying ten (10) minutes after finding my friend dead and checking vital signs while I awaited the ambulance* Ohhh maybe that might play a part

Now I gotta go isolate myself at the bottom of a swamp because my personality AND my physical form are terrible and beyond saving wow

Aaaand now I hate myself and wish I wasnt living no problem