I have left tumblr

Me:

Me:

Gather round children, this is a good one.

The year is 2014, I’m at a mall food court with my friend Amber, we’re enjoying our meal and admiring this straight bro bodybuilder looking man who works at one of the restaurants. He was a STUNNING example of hyper masc broness. I’m obviously pressuring Amber into talking to him, alas she was not into it. This man becomes a regular topic of conversation for Amber and I, we’ll call him Mark. Every time we’re at the mall, we swing past the food court to see if Mark was working, he usually was. We’d admire from afar, I’d tell Amber she’s insane for not going for it, then we’d move on. I clearly want Mark but that wasn’t going to happen, so I do what any thirst blind fool would do, I add him to Facebook. His profile was bland, sadly super hetro, and most of his pics were with other dude bros.

Some time later we’re in the food court enjoying another meal and Mark comes over to our table. I go full deer in headlights and Amber kicks into ditsy blonde college girl mode. Mark asks us something, I don’t even remember what, then gives us a pile of free meal coupons before going back to work. Clearly at this point I’m commanding Amber to fuck this man and to tell me every detail about it. - she continues to disappoint me.

Fast forward to 2017, I’m back in my hometown for a family thing, I had moved away in late 2015. I’m on Tindr, mindlessly swiping and happen to match with a nameless, beefy, gym torso. The kind of profile with only one pic, and it’s not a face pic. I start with the standard greeting “hey bro”, the torso replies “hey dude, how have you been?”. I’m a bit puzzled but we continue to chat for a while. I tell him I moved away, he replies “yeah I know, I have you on Facebook man”… I am screaming at this point, but I keep cool in the chat. Turns out it’s Mark from the food court, and those fucking coupons were for me not Amber! (Holy shit, mind blown, literally could not stop smiling)

One thing lead to another and I ended up spending two crazy amazing nights at his place. It was a literal multi year sexual fantasy come true.

Receipt attached, 

They look at me speechless, they hadn’t seen the movie yet. “What did you say?”

“I said Luke Skywaler dies. He force projects himself to fight Kylo Ren and then dies. And if you don’t get the fuck away from me I’ll tell you how Snoke dies too”