there's an icy in my sapphire

I haven't made any particular New Years resolutions this year, because my plate is already very full with things I'm trying to accomplish for myself that I began near the end of 2015. I did, however, scroll back through my previous tumblr posts. Looking at it now, I'm shocked to see how little I sounded like myself. I knew I was depressed, highly depressed, but it's not until you're really recovering that you actually see for yourself just how much it's affecting you. I've sense gone back and deleted a lot of that negative and toxic clutter.

In November I started taking anti-depressants as well as sorted out other medicated-related issues I'd been having. It was the best decision I've ever made. I've felt so, so much better. I wouldn't say I'm happy, I'm far from being the happiest I could be, but I feel like myself again. I feel clear headed and calm and like I have the ability to enjoy things again. I don't feel as if my life is this constant barrage of sadness and loneliness with occasional flickers of respite that surface in the wake of company. Things are good. Better than they have been in years, I'd guess.

For everyone close to me that I may have driven away with my erratic and sometimes even passive-aggressive behavior in the past year, or maybe longer, I'm sorry. It saddens me to think of all the wonderful people I used to talk to, enjoyed talking to, and still consider friends that I no longer have the privilige to know or hear from. Maybe if I was a more courageous person, I'd re-open those doors myself, but like I said before, I'm still working on being the best I can be. But I know now exactly how hard it could be to deal with the emotional pain I was going through. It was hard on myself, and it was hard on those closest to me.

I thank all of you from the bottom of my heart for always having kind things to say no matter how stressful things might have been. I really hope someday I can know some of you better. My circle of friends has shrunk drastically, but I, for once, feel comfortable knowing that I still have the select few I can count on. Things don't feel desperate, like I need to constantly please anyone and everyone I interact with, and that it's a mark against me if I can't keep or make a friend. The chips are going to fall where they will, and in the end everything will work out for the best.

I've been trying to get back into reading, writing, and drawing, but after receiving a promotion at work in December I've had much less time to devote to my creative passions. Still, this is great! It's the most confident I've ever felt at work, and I can see how much this confidence reflects in the things I do and the way people talk with me. I miss The Exchange, and OCTs, and so many of the characters that have become near and dear to my heart and will never mean any less to me, but those doors are firmly shut now, and all that's left to do is move on.

So many of you (and you know who you are, you definitely know who you are) have been a big part of my life growing up. The circle of writers I found on deviantART saw me through high school and college and the first years of my working life. You grew up with me and encouraged me, and I wouldn't be half the person or writer I am today if it wasn't for all of the influences (good or otherwise) you've had on me. All I can do is thank you, and wish you well, and hope that maybe someday I'll hear from you again and get to know you all that much better. I'm sure many of you have changed, too. I'd love to hear if you're still writing, or if you've made new friends, or how in what ways your plans are transforming around you.

Feel free to talk to me anytime! Most of you still have me added in places, and I try to be online and present every day. If anyone ever wants to talk or needs someone to listen--well, I've done enough talking. It's my turn to be here for you.