Would've, Should've, Could've, & what it means to me.
You've all been following me for a few years now (10+ at this point), and I've never been vocal on here about my love for the woman that is, Taylor Swift. This woman has had a grip on me since Fearless was released, namely due to the following songs:
1. Fifteen
2. White Horse
3. Forever & Always (Piano Version)
4. You Belong With me / Love Story (Obvs)
I was 11 when Fearless was released so I didn't get the full experience as a pre-teen that knew absolutely nothing of heartbreak or loving another person (Though I pretended I did). It wasn't until Speak Now was released when I was 13 that I RAN to the nearest store that sold CD's and bought every version avaliable known to people of this earth.
Now this isn't a write up about Fearless or Speak Now, although I'm thinking it should be at this point. I'm here today to talk about Midnights, as a now 25 year old woman with their frontal lobe fully in tact making sense of what didn't making sense in years prior.
If you've made it this far, thank you. You are wonderful.
Midnights is pure pain, in every instance, it is pain and we can't deny it. It was 3pm (Australian AEST) when I streamed the record for the first time. I was working from home, at my desk when we crashed Spotify. now i'll be honest, I wasn't in the best state mentally, and i'm still not in the best state but I'm better than was on October 21st 2022. I enjoyed the first listen, but I couldn't get into as much i'd hope as, to be quite frank, I was in the worst state of mind mentally, fighting for my life and i couldn't quite click with any song but Sweet Nothing due to the different tones of the record.
Midnights (3am Edition) arrived at 6pm (AEST) while I was out doing some retail therapy and again, I couldn't give the additional seven songs the listen that they deserved whilst driving across Melbourne, Australia.
I've had a lot of time to play Midnights on repeat, Bigger Than The Whole Sky & Would've, Should've, Couldve to be exact. Both songs resonated with me and where I'm currently at in life.
Would've, Should've, Couldve holds a torch over me and my past situationships and people I was with between the ages of 17 - 19.
"I damn sure never would've danced with devil, at nineteen"
Now I dated some questionable people between those years, but it wasn't until Taylor sung this very specific line when it hit that a 21 year old man really shouldn't have involved himself with a 17 year old girl. I believe I was still a child at that point and stand by it. By all means it wasn't a toxic relationship, but it could've been handled better and someone along the way should've stepped in to say "Hey, maybe this isn't the best idea." But we know how teenagers are, we know they won't listen and need to make their own mistakes. It was a turbulent three - six months (I can't quite remember the length of time this went on for), but it was a considerable amount of time to have stained me over the course of 2014. It was fast paced, it was beautiful and it was the most pain I had experiened in my life relationship wise at that point in my life and it's still something that has a hold on me because it was wrong, in so many ways.
There's many different ways to kill the one you love, the slowest way is never loving them enough.
I wish he would've looked away rather than pursuing me through mutual friends and family. I wish he would've left me wondering. He made me feel important then tried to erase us, and he was a crisis of my faith.
I don't know exactly how to put it into words, but Would've, Should've, Could've does, and this is where I sign off for tonight.
Peace Out Doggies,
Samantha-Leigh
