Jess Mariano + favorite quotes

❛  Stop talking to the dogs!  ❜

❛  Get a clue, Columbo. I don’t wanna talk to _____.  ❜

❛  Ugly American, party of one.  ❜

❛  I didn’t know that my every conversation needed to be reported to you. I stand corrected.  ❜

❛  Pure sex walking. Flying, actually. That man could fly. Have you ever thought of taking dance?  ❜

❛  I hugged it, I hugged it really tight.  ❜

❛  You travel with a spatula?  ❜

❛  I bow to the foot of the master.  ❜

❛  What are you thinking, buying an airplane?!  ❜

❛  Everybody in the world’s life flashed before my eyes. That’s how much time I had. I thought we were gonna die on that van.  ❜

❛  He’s not a 100-year-old eunuch or anything.  ❜

❛  Hard work is good for a woman, makes her stronger.  ❜

❛  I’m downloading wedding stuff from Prague.  ❜

❛  Let me bottom-line it for you. Snakes are gross. Snakes are scary and slithery, and do you know where snakes do not belong?  ❜

❛  The whole trip was a total fiasco. It was the Stones at Altamont times a billion.   ❜

❛  You’ve got one minute to order, then six minutes to eat.  ❜

❛  A couple’s massage is for a couple – not a couple of people.  ❜

❛  Ow! Rat bastard!  ❜

❛  You can borrow my water bra.  ❜

❛  _____ lied to us. To you. To me.  ❜

❛  Ok, that’s it. You’re nuts and I’m going - in that order.  ❜

❛  Details please. Don’t leave out anything. We want every comma, apostrophe and ampersand.  ❜

❛  Do you know that butt models make $10,000 a day?  ❜

❛  Something romantic, but not mushy, something that will make us remember this.  ❜

❛  _____ would never hike up her skirt in public.  ❜

This is what happens when the women get the remote

Only prostitutes have two glasses of wine at lunch.

Well, then buy me a boa and drive me to Reno because I am open for business. 

I made it extra strong. It should blacken your teeth and rot your stomach.

But this is America, where we unapologetically bastardize other countries’ cultures in a gross quest for moral and military supremacy.

No, I’ve filled my whacking quota for the week.

Boy, I will say anything for a cup of coffee!

I can’t believe you kept this. You kept this in your wallet? You kept this in your wallet…

No _____! This great man was not brought down by my vagina.

You cannot gather here.

Do you like my hair like this?

Wow, sleeping with you is getting me nothing.

Ben Franklin was out of his mind.

Oh. With all that’s going on in the world, all the maids in existence are talking about you.

Huh. ‘Kay, now you’re making me seem a little stuck up.

People can live a hundred years without really living for a minute. You climb up here with me, it’s one less minute you haven’t lived.

I am not a fan of ladders.

Because drinking is bad. It’s very, very bad and we’re bad for doing it.

Spank me.

I think the hangover tomorrow will be punishment enough.    

Thank you for not being related to me.

You have a lot of experience with men. How do you let them know that you’re available?

Well, one of those bench ads usually does the trick.

No, it’s the appropriate way to indicate you’re open to a social engagement. Unless, however, you are approaching a weasel. Then I believe the proper signal is just to offer him your hindquarters.

“Hello” is not my line. “Hello” is not a line. “Hello” is hello.

Well, all I know is I hello-ed him today, and now he’s taking me to dinner.

I don’t hate you. I can’t hate the pathetic.   

Good squeaky stairs, helps sell the old inn aspect.

Actually, we had those squeaks installed.

College is breaking my spirit. Every single day, telling me things I don’t know. It’s making me feel stupid.

It doesn’t matter if I think he’s cute.

Uh, it matters to me. I don’t want ugly grandchildren.

I love you. I love you, dammit! How many times to I have to tell you? God! Just talk to me.

She’s with me now. I told you that. Let it go.

I will not let it go! Everything was fine until you came along!

Oh, don’t blame me because you couldn’t keep her.

I swear to god, I’m gonna kill you!

Jerk. Ass. Arrogant inconsiderate, mindless frat-boy low-life buttfaced miscreant!

Why would you do something like that?!

Snow is nothing but annoying, icy, frozen water stuff that “falls out of the sky at inconvenient times”!  It’s Mother Nature’s icy “Screw you.”

Hey, stop being such a Nancy-boy about the pants. Think Hemingway ever gave a crap what his pants looked like?

Hemingway blew his brains out, also. How much of a role model do you want me to make this guy?

You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You are incredibly interesting. You’re definitely girlfriend material. I, however, am definitely not boyfriend material. I can’t do commitment, and I don’t want to pretend to you that I can. If I were to date you, there would be no dating. It would be something, right away, and I’m not that guy.

Oh, no, there’s at least six ATMs within a two block radius and every single one of them is going to tell me that I only have eighteen dollars in my account…and then I believe they will flip me off.

You look so hot when you find me annoying.

And they also think you’re Polynesian and potentially sexually undecided.

Wow, that move always looked cooler in the movies.

Finally something to put on our business cards.

But a conversation with me: priceless.

If it was physically possible to make love to a hot beverage, this would be the one.

You know Superman’s fortress of solitude? A Jamacian beach compared to my mother’s house.

You threw a frying pan at ______ head?