There are a lot posts on here about the trope of âeveryone knows that heroâs secret identity but theyâre pretending not to,â and everyone can have their own head canon, but mine are correct. So here is the definitive list of which DC franchises should have actually functional secret identities and which ones shouldnât:
Superfamily: What didnât Bendis ruin? Supermanâs secret identity should be the most ironclad one in the DCU, or possibly tied with Batmanâs. âThis guy puts on glasses and somehow it works???â is FOUNDATIONAL to the very nature of the genre. The best episodes of both Superman: The Animated Series and Lois and Clark are about how crucial the secret identity is to Clark living a full life. You canât be Superman and publicly accessible at all times, and also, it ruins the fun. Only two people should ever figure out Supermanâs secret identity, and they should be Lois, who calls him on it, and (much later) Jimmy, who doesnât, because as long as Clark and Superman are two different people heâs gonna keep getting two different birthday presents every year. Jon and Karaâs IDs should be equally airtight. Konâs is terrible but no one figures it out because Jacket Superboy is such a ham that no one believes he could maintain a secret identity for more than 30 seconds before revealing it in an attempt to get a date or score a free Zesti. (The world knows the boys as Jacket Superboy and Baby Superboy. I donât care how old Jon is.)
Batfamily: ALSO AIRTIGHT. The only people who should ever be able to figure out Batmanâs secret identity are Raâs al Ghul, Bane, and Tim Drake, three equally weirdo stalkers. No, the Joker doesnât know. No, the working girls from Jasonâs old neighborhood didnât figure it out because the Red Hood is nice to them. Yes, Matches Malone and Alvin Draper are highly convincing personas. IT DOESNâT WORK IF IT ISNâT AIRTIGHT. I DONâT CARE IF THE BUTTS MATCH.
Wonder Family: Only Cassie even bothers, and she doesnât have the wig or goggles anymore, soâŚyeah, everyone at the Elias School knows sheâs Wonder Girl. Itâs fine. They think itâs cool.
Flash Family: SIGH. Speaking of people who ruin everything, Geoff Johns. Letâs go back to when Wally had no secret identity and was absolutely basking in the attention 24/7. Jay doesnât even wear a mask! I will permit inexplicable secret identities for Bart and Wallace so that they can go to school. And hell, you know what, letâs say Barry isnât even trying to maintain a secret identity but no one notices because they assume thereâs no way a man that milquetoast could be the Flash, that would be funny.
Green Lanterns: John and Guy have never had secret identities. Does Hal? Does he really? Kyle is the opposite of Barry, where he truly believes he has a functioning secret identity even though he publicly hangs out with the other GLs all the time and leaves Earth for months at a stretch and wears a costume so tight anyone who has ever seen him naked is like âOh hey, itâs Kyle!â I will allow Simon and Jess to retain their secret IDs for now because Simon wears a mask and Jess never leaves the house and they have, um, families to protect and stuff, which the older four donât really anymore. (Are Halâs brothers in continuity anymore? I canât remember.)
Arrowfamily: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. The best part is that they really think they have secret identities. Bless all of their beautiful, equally stupid hearts.
Aquafamily: They donât actually have any (except that on occasion Arthur has gone by âC. Kingâ or âMr. Watermanâ on land, which is FUCKING HILARIOUS), but there is an arc where Arthur grew a beard and everyone in Atlantis was like âWow, whoâs that?â HE WAS THEIR RECENTLY DEPOSED KING! WITH A BEARD! STILL WEARING THE AQUAMN COSTUME! AND THEY HAD NO IDEA!!! Anyway I therefore propose that humans can see through any Aquafam disguise instantly no matter how good it is but Atlanteans are inexplicably fooled by the flimsiest of fake mustaches and eyepatches. Garth came home with a slight Scottish accent after boarding school and no one recognized him for three months.
Boostle Family (THIS IS A THING, SHUT UP): Booster doesnât have one. Jaimeâs is flawless. Ted truly thinks his works even though he is publicly married to best friends with Booster. I love them.
