dawns-notes

Welcome to dawns-notes.

This is basically a place for me to put my thoughts instead of letting them pile up in my head. Nothing curated, nothing poetic on purpose. Just writing things down as they come, as they are.

Some entries will be short. Some will be messy. Some might contradict each other. That’s kind of the point.

What Spotify has that audible doesn’t is a breakdown of each chapter or section of the book. Audible does have a section where you can see how far you are in the book, and what section you are at. But the formatting of Spotify’s audiobooks in which each audio is separated by section and individualized. I also find the table of contents on Spotify or more elaborate and in depth than Audible’s, which is showing up brief.

For reference, I just justttt “The Law of Attraction" - The teachings of Abraham by Esther Hicks. Just randomly saw a post about it and thought why not?

I’ve really liked this song lately, it’s been on my repeat almost daily lately. I discovered them from Here Come the Aliens! back when their TikTok had shown up on my for you page. They’ve been a very good comfort artist these days.

- I want to paint my walls blue

- I want to go through my wardrobe and completely change it, start donating or hopefully SELLING clothes!! Let’s look at opening a depop or something

- I need to get some type of organizer for my perfumes, and a better makeup container. Maybe a caboodle? I have a TON of products

- I want excuses to start using my easel desk/artist desk again now that I lost my job and am going on this self care journey

- I wonder if it would be a good idea to start my own business, work out of my mom’s basement, juggle social media presence/PR content, newsletters on substack, vlogs or video essays on YouTube, and an esthetician business/beauty parlour on the side run through my mom’s basement

Anyway, ive been up to a lot these past couple days to cheer myself up. A friend and I had our semi-nude photoshoot that we’ve had planned for forever. It was a blast, even if it cost a leg and a half for the actual pictures.

Typically I check my horoscope on Co-Star at some point during the day, or even sometime after midnight before I’ve went to sleep so I have something to expect when I wake up, or some type of contextualization of tomorrow even if it might not be accurate.

The three apps I mentioned are basically apps that help improve cognitive function from what I’ve seen. I typically start my day doom scrolling or reading fanfiction for about one to two hours every morning, so I thought why not make a change to my morning routine? I’ve never been a breakfast person, and trying to roll out of bed and getting breakfast feels like punishment.

I feel like I could be brilliant if my brain fog just… lessened. I’ve used these apps for like two days, hopefully I’ll see some type of results. Although, I’m not quite sure what results I necessarily expect to see.

It was a pain this morning forcing myself to wake up and use it. It’s like 2:30 pm right now and I haven’t done a thing. I’m not even sure what I spent all of today doing. I don’t know if I expect these apps to magically like ‘fix’ me and just make me a functional young adult.

I think I’d just like a change, and I hope this is a positive one.

Lately I’ve been rewatching shows and movies I’ve watched a million times, opening up books I’ve read before and reading the first paragraph, things like that. Right now I’m rewatching Invincible.

It’s kind of brain numbing. I know what’s about to happen before it happens, sometimes I even recite the lines in my head a beat before the characters say them, just to reassure myself that I could recite the character’s whole lines if I wanted to.

I like knowing what’s about to happen before it happens.

One day I’d like to perceive life as just another Tuesday.

I don’t think that’s today, but I wish it was.

After I got laid off from my full time I just really got a wake up call. I spent so much of my day working. I did my 9-5, and then continued to work. Often I’d have a one hour break for dinner, and get back to work until around 9pm-12pm most nights. If I were going out for the weekend with friends, I’d make sure I’d be able to bring my work laptop so I could continue working. But most weekends I stayed at home, and couldn’t even take shifts for my part time job as I was busy putting in unpaid overtime for my full time.

I did all of this while suffering from a seizure condition, which I still haven’t been able to identify. My doctors believed the seizures to be acute, I’ve had about 3 of them in total but have felt the seizure aura several times and had to like remove myself from screens and lay down until the symptoms subsided out of fear of seizing.

I feel like with my current work ethic, and my part time job supporting me on the side, I could really support my creative dreams right now. I just need to hold on to my relentless work ethic.

For the larger changes, I’ve been seriously considering getting tattoos. I’ve been hesitating for quite awhile. I’ve had my earlobes pierced several times, but they’ve always gotten infected quickly even with proper cleaning. My doctor ended up telling me not to get my ears pierced anymore, that it seems like my body is rejecting them. I don’t want to meet with my doctor over something silly like a tattoo to confirm if my skin would reject the ink the same way they did the piercings, so I’ve just been wondering. I have a large Pinterest board with so many ideas.

On another larger note, I was also considering getting liposuction. I feel like I have so much body dysmorphia, and my body weight isn’t exactly changing, it’s very consistent. I feel I don’t necessarily want plastic surgery or anything added/altered, just some parts removed. I think I just need to be less.

From the brief research I’ve done so far, a good idea would’ve been learning an instrument, or even learn a language. After seeing these two hobbies listed on several lists, I realized how oversaturated this suggestion is.

Who actually learns a whole new language because they read it on a TikTok slideshow?

It’s what I live and breathe. I live and breathe to create. I feel like my hands were created for the sole purpose of creation. It comes naturally, a pen to paper feels as familiar as breathing. It feels as if it’s the only thing that’s truly called to me.

For someone who believes this so intensely for it to be ingrained in my every waking thought, every action, every thought of the future wandering to what extent would art be enveloped in my being; I do not actually create.

I stalk, and I wait, and I perfect. Nothing is ever entirely perfect, but I get discouraged so quickly at this age it’s difficult to practice. I had gotten so burnt out once I began my career, even if I’ve only just begun, this feels like giving up. I feel like I’m wasting time on the office lifestyle, when I should be building a portfolio. But after spending a lifetime with nothing, it’s so nice to be financially stable for the first time.