dawn

when you’re eventually listened to and diagnosed, suddenly all of the evil horrible debilitating symptoms have a cause. so you’re like ok! yay! this can be managed right? i can make lists and try out mediations for months till I find the right one and plaster sticky notes everywhere and keep a calendar and remember to be a little quieter right?? awesome! and then eventually you find the mediation that works for you and everything totally clicks and you’re able to function mostly normally. and you’re like hoooly shit. you’ll then look back onto all the struggles and missed opportunities and feelings of stupidity and inferiority and be like man! i wish i knew what i know now! but then you start feeling hopeful, like yeah i feel so much better and i can start taking on my day. like i can actually keep a job and maintain relationships and do good in school if i want to. and you get comfortable! but then guess what? if you live in america (and many other countries) you suddenly start having a little trouble picking up your medications. maybe it’ll be a few days late, no problem. and then it’s a week, super frustrating but it happens. then it turns into a month, or months. and you’re like what the hell. and you ask your pharmacy, what’s the deal? and they’re like “yeah man sorry everything is back ordered from the manufacturer.” so then you’re like, what the heck let me look into this. and you realize due to drug manufactures under estimating the amount of drugs they need to make, and the government limiting them to certain amounts, there suddenly isn’t enough drugs to go around. and they can’t make any more, that would be too easy! the government needs to be aware of every single pill produced and manufacturer’s can’t be like “hey government, can we make some more?” because the government is like NO YOU CAN’T! so then you realize it could take days, weeks, months to get your prescription again. and then you realize the drug that’s helped alleviate the source of your troubles is gone. and all of the generic and alternative versions are gone too. so then it sinks in that all of the progress you might’ve made will eventually crumple down because you’re now suddenly at square -5, because somehow you’re unable to function even more compared to how you felt before being mediated! and then, maybe, you contact your doctor to ask if there are any alternatives. and then you ask again. and after a few times they’re like “hey, you’re acting pretty weird.” and suddenly you’re silently labled as having drug seeking behavior because obviously, obviously, you must be selling the drugs and not actually taking it right? because that’s all they’re good for, just getting high and maybe cleaning your house right? and then you’re REALLY back at square one. because what doctor or pharmacy will take you seriously now? and it really sucks because there are only so many lists you can make and sticky notes you can write before the root of the problem bears it’s stupid ugly head.