oiseau

when i work opening shifts and have to get up at 3AM i listen to that sunshine song from heated rivalry on loop and it’s the only thing that works. unsure about this…

finally know that i’ll be able to afford going back to school in september so i am letting my excitement come back… slowly. im filtering it, like watering down juice for a little kid. yes, i will sit in the basement stacks again and drink a cappuccino with extra cinnamon. yes, i am good at philosophy, better than i am at the rest of my life (i force myself to forget when i leave, every time). yes, i will hang up these posters in my dorm, i will have a dorm. soon!!!!!

i have had the worst month maybe of my whole life... and yet... my co-worker hears me mention how much i miss being called Ella and she goes out of her way now: "and Ella rocking it on cold bar" or "hey Ella" or whatever. it's corny! so much is. i dance in the cafe to a modest mouse song on my ten, 6am, my breakfast milkshake, and there's no conditions. i don't want to be a barista for the rest of my life but i could be. and it wouldn't be better than being a philosopher, it wouldn't be any better at all.

reminding myself that no matter how bad the lesbian breakup is for me it’ll never be as bad as it was for corin tucker

I spent a long time this spring trying to figure out why my life shouldn't be all about philosophy and Sleater-Kinney and driving my car, what it should look like once those things take the appropriate backseat. What I am discovering is that it's totally okay for life to be about those things. I can go to work and work hard and on my 30 watch a video of Corin Tucker on YouTube and dance while I do dishes. And I can stay up late writing a paper just for fun and it's okay if my friends don't hear from me everyday, they know I love them. I wear a rosary around my neck and smile in a way that lets everyone know I find life delightful. I will have a big dog someday, who sleeps on the floor of my bedroom and who I run with every morning, even in the rain. And I will have students, godwilling, and a desk with lots of books all around. And I probably will still love Sleater-Kinney, and drive around while I pray. These things aren't bigger than going out to a party, or even bigger than having kids or a husband or whatever else; it's all a big deal. My favorite co-worker this summer is much older than me, and talks about Circa Survive and No Doubt as often as I think about Carrie Brownstein or David Lewis, and she is sad and angry as much as anyone, but she's good at her job and she is kind, and I feel really silly imagining that her life is incomplete in any way.