My Two Favourite Boys

It’s amazing what nobody thinks to teach you as like. A person

Personally, I’ve still never figured out where to put things that don’t have a category when I clean

Cause like. “Ohoho everything has its place” and yeah. Yeah, hair elastics and combs and shit go in the bathroom drawer. Loose buttons go in the sewing kit. Cat toys go in the box. Towels go in the closet.

But where do I put A SINGLE FIDGET TOY? Where do I put A MINIATURE STATUE OF STONEHENGE? What about a handful of beach glass, an enamel pin I don’t wanna wear, six elastic bands I will need later, a leather scrap, some cool feathers, a postcard, a singular Christmas decoration, three bookmarks, a plastic frog, boxing wraps, a sweater my mom knitted me when I was six, a full carton of dental floss, a bag of doll hair, a roll of stickers, rubber sticky dinosaurs, a laser pointer, two unused glow sticks and a tin of mints?

WHERE DO THESE SHITS GO

The crotch-and-chin destroying hell of a toddler’s carseat

How fucking scary stairs are when you JUST figured out walking. “You can stand up” nah fuck that these steps go up to my knees and I’m top-heavy I’m gonna scoot down on my ass thank you

Walking alongside fucking giants whose legs are bigger than your whole fucking body and trying to keep up

Not knowing how to blow your nose and everyone expecting you to just figure it out by holding a tissue and saying “blow” like WHAT DO YOU MEAN CLOSE MY THROAT? Just an absolute snot waterboarding

People describing how to make sounds with your mouth but you can’t see inside their mouth when they do it so you kind of just guess over and over while they tell you you still don’t got it

Not having a full grasp of language but fully understanding CONCEPTS so you say shit like “are we going to the park later?” When you mean TOMORROW but all you can come up with is shit like “the next time we have lunch, not today but after today, after that” like a fucked up game of verbal post-brain injury Pictionary where people won’t let you get mad about it

Just. Mucus. Mucus and chapped skin, all the time, chin and upper lip. And you’re not supposed to lick it cause the spit is the PROBLEM but it’s fucking OBNOXIOUS. “Just keep the skin dry” wow thanks I’ve been aware of this mechsuit for about ten minutes and still haven’t fully mastered not falling into the toilet but yeah I know how to stay on top of that, cool

FALLING INTO THE TOILET

Trying to eat at a table where the surface comes up to your chin but not being able to get high or close enough cause you can’t scoot your chair in and your hands still don’t coordinate good so you end up just spooning tomato sauce onto your lap like an asshole. Like yeah mom my bad, have you considered though that I ALSO don’t want me to be covered in sauce? Cool

Adults being WAY too excited about shit that straight up is not worth the hype

Carpet burn. Constant carpet burn. Crawling, tripping, shuffling between toys on the floor. So much goddamn carpet burn

Knowing exactly what you’re talking about and zero people understanding because they think you’re too dumb for what you’re trying to communicate

Being told to wave at or hug complete strangers. And they always smelled kinda weird but you weren’t supposed to say it

The feeling of meeting an older kid and they act like they’re your manager or something

Encyclopedic knowledge and name of every single person in your grade 1 class, and their interests

Stroller rides. You could zone out at the ground for hours I swear to god

Dropping something while buckled into a carseat or stroller and not being able to get it and just resigning yourself to a life in hell

Dropping something while you’re in a carseat and it goes UNDER YOUR ASS and you can’t fucking GET IT

Other children getting away with just absolute war crimes. Imagine if Sharon showed up to the office potluck and offered you a cookie and after you ate one revealed that she licked it. Imagine if Gord took your stapler and put it down his pants so you couldn’t get it back. Imagine if for no reason at all your coworker told you your dad was stupid and then put your laptop in the garbage

The crotch-and-chin destroying hell of a toddler’s carseat

How fucking scary stairs are when you JUST figured out walking. “You can stand up” nah fuck that these steps go up to my knees and I’m top-heavy I’m gonna scoot down on my ass thank you

Walking alongside fucking giants whose legs are bigger than your whole fucking body and trying to keep up

Not knowing how to blow your nose and everyone expecting you to just figure it out by holding a tissue and saying “blow” like WHAT DO YOU MEAN CLOSE MY THROAT? Just an absolute snot waterboarding

People describing how to make sounds with your mouth but you can’t see inside their mouth when they do it so you kind of just guess over and over while they tell you you still don’t got it

Not having a full grasp of language but fully understanding CONCEPTS so you say shit like “are we going to the park later?” When you mean TOMORROW but all you can come up with is shit like “the next time we have lunch, not today but after today, after that” like a fucked up game of verbal post-brain injury Pictionary where people won’t let you get mad about it

Just. Mucus. Mucus and chapped skin, all the time, chin and upper lip. And you’re not supposed to lick it cause the spit is the PROBLEM but it’s fucking OBNOXIOUS. “Just keep the skin dry” wow thanks I’ve been aware of this mechsuit for about ten minutes and still haven’t fully mastered not falling into the toilet but yeah I know how to stay on top of that, cool

FALLING INTO THE TOILET

Trying to eat at a table where the surface comes up to your chin but not being able to get high or close enough cause you can’t scoot your chair in and your hands still don’t coordinate good so you end up just spooning tomato sauce onto your lap like an asshole. Like yeah mom my bad, have you considered though that I ALSO don’t want me to be covered in sauce? Cool

Adults being WAY too excited about shit that straight up is not worth the hype

Carpet burn. Constant carpet burn. Crawling, tripping, shuffling between toys on the floor. So much goddamn carpet burn

Knowing exactly what you’re talking about and zero people understanding because they think you’re too dumb for what you’re trying to communicate

Being told to wave at or hug complete strangers. And they always smelled kinda weird but you weren’t supposed to say it

The feeling of meeting an older kid and they act like they’re your manager or something

Encyclopedic knowledge and name of every single person in your grade 1 class, and their interests

Stroller rides. You could zone out at the ground for hours I swear to god

Dropping something while buckled into a carseat or stroller and not being able to get it and just resigning yourself to a life in hell

Dropping something while you’re in a carseat and it goes UNDER YOUR ASS and you can’t fucking GET IT

Other children getting away with just absolute war crimes. Imagine if Sharon showed up to the office potluck and offered you a cookie and after you ate one revealed that she licked it. Imagine if Gord took your stapler and put it down his pants so you couldn’t get it back. Imagine if for no reason at all your coworker told you your dad was stupid and then put your laptop in the garbage

The crotch-and-chin destroying hell of a toddler’s carseat

How fucking scary stairs are when you JUST figured out walking. “You can stand up” nah fuck that these steps go up to my knees and I’m top-heavy I’m gonna scoot down on my ass thank you

Walking alongside fucking giants whose legs are bigger than your whole fucking body and trying to keep up

Not knowing how to blow your nose and everyone expecting you to just figure it out by holding a tissue and saying “blow” like WHAT DO YOU MEAN CLOSE MY THROAT? Just an absolute snot waterboarding

People describing how to make sounds with your mouth but you can’t see inside their mouth when they do it so you kind of just guess over and over while they tell you you still don’t got it

Not having a full grasp of language but fully understanding CONCEPTS so you say shit like “are we going to the park later?” When you mean TOMORROW but all you can come up with is shit like “the next time we have lunch, not today but after today, after that” like a fucked up game of verbal post-brain injury Pictionary where people won’t let you get mad about it

Just. Mucus. Kudus and chapped skin, all the time, chin and upper lip. And you’re not supposed to lick it cause the spit is the PROBLEM but it’s fucking OBNOXIOUS. “Just keep the skin dry” wow thanks I’ve been aware of this mechsuit for about ten minutes and still haven’t fully mastered not falling into the toilet but yeah I know how to stay on top of that, cool

FALLING INTO THE TOILET

Trying to eat at a table where the surface comes up to your chin but not being able to get high or close enough cause you can’t scoot your chair in and your hands still don’t coordinate good so you end up just spooning tomato sauce onto your lap like an asshole. Like yeah mom my bad, have you considered though that I ALSO don’t want me to be covered in sauce? Cool

Adults being WAY too excited about shit that straight up is not worth the hype

Carpet burn. Constant carpet burn. Crawling, tripping, shuffling between toys on the floor. So much goddamn carpet burn

Knowing exactly what you’re talking about and zero people understanding because they think you’re too dumb for what you’re trying to communicate

Being told to wave at or hug complete strangers. And they always smelled kinda weird but you weren’t supposed to say it

The feeling of meeting an older kid and they act like they’re your manager or something

Encyclopedic knowledge and name of every single person in your grade 1 class, and their interests

Stroller rides. You could zone out at the ground for hours I swear to god

Dropping something while buckled into a carseat or stroller and not being able to get it and just resigning yourself to a life in hell

Dropping something while you’re in a carseat and it goes UNDER YOUR ASS and you can’t fucking GET IT

Other children getting away with just absolute war crimes. Imagine if Sharon showed up to the office potluck and offered you a cookie and after you ate one revealed that she licked it. Imagine if Gord took your stapler and put it down his pants so you couldn’t get it back. Imagine if for no reason at all your coworker told you your dad was stupid and then put your laptop in the garbage