DarkWolf

Do better just do better

The heart is just a muscle but when it comes to dating and love it is a muscle with a mind. Reminding you every second of everyday that it wants what it can't have and screaming so loud you would rather tear it out and die then to walk with the noise. Over time the batteries run out and it falls deathly silent until the next time love powers it back up again. They say eventually you'll find someone who will power it just enough that the noise won't be loud and deafening but the road there is littered with exploded hearts that couldn't take the noise, hearts still trying to quiet the noise and hearts bravely walking on with the one that they hope will quiet the noise and erase the past.

Social media ain't so social when your sitting alone in your apartment, darkness all around you, crying as you struggle to keep your head above water. Your phone doesn't ring or buzz because unless you reach out and you make the effort you don't exist. The darkness feels more and more like home until you would rather sit in the darkness then stand in the light. Heartbreak and abandonment become your best friends until you completely lose your mind. Social media ain't so social

I was falling for you while you were falling for someone else now we're supposed to go on as friends like it never happened? Your fine, your moving on I'm the one that fell too hard, too fast, I'm the one that's hurting but you....your out living your life. I'm trying to be friends but at the same time I want to yell at you and show you just how much you hurt me. The night in the club when I saw you try to pick up a woman then give her your number my heart shattered all over again knowing I would never be your choice even when you left all I got was a wave while our mutual friend got a hug. I realised that night you will always mean more to me then I ever ment to you.

Another S.E Hinton book that made me cry though not as bad as the outsiders or that was then, this is now but still made me cry nonetheless. The thing is when the dad said "Russle-James, every now and then a person comes along who has a different view of the world than does the usual person. Notice I said 'usual,' not 'normal.' That doesn't make him crazy. An acute perception does not make you crazy. However, sometimes it drives you crazy." I don't see the world the usual way I've been through too much shit to ever see the world the that way and sometimes it does drive me crazy and I do feel Isolated like I'm in my own little bubble but I also connected with Rusty-James and how he changed and how things had changed but he could understand it or make sense of it he just knew he was different, changed somehow and now the things like his tough guy reputation, the people and the places didn't really matter anymore and you see from the start of the book he ends up bumming around sort of like he's lost and can't find his way home because the motorcycle boy in a weird way was his home and without him he's lost. I feel that I've been lost for as long as I can remember just floating around trying to make sense of life.

I’ve just finished the book That was then This is now and wow what a powerful book. Right now I feel very much like Bryon at the end of the book when he can’t forgive himself for his actions or the decisions he made. In the book he says “nothing can wear you out like caring about people” and he’s not wrong when you care so deeply for people it leaves you feeling so damn tired but a tiredness which is like no other kind of tiredness. By the end of the book Bryon’s feeling so mixed up questioning everything and feeling like nobody understand him even his mom didn’t know just how mixed up he was feeling when she asked ‘When are you going to stop getting even with yourself?’ like she understood that he was beating himself up over his actions or decisions but didn’t understand why he couldn’t stop doing it, like it was a choice he was making when I think he would have given anything to not be completely mixed up which is why at the end of the book he starts thinking about what if. I know I’d give anything to not be mixed up, to not be thinking about what if. Now what shall I read next?