Heartbreak was never so loud
The words fell from his mouth before he even thought them.
Almost instantly, Aziraphale wished he could reach across the distance between him and Crowley and snatch them back. But he could do nothing but stand there, looking across the bandstand at the demon, as the words washed out across the void and then crashed down onto both of them.
Crowley didn’t make a sound.
He looked frozen in place, as though he’d stopped time from turning again. Staring, unmoving, back at Aziraphale.
My God… his face. Aziraphale didn’t need to be able to see through the dark panels of the sunglasses to know exactly what devastation looked like on the demon. Jaw stiff, lips pressed into a thin line. His eyebrows crooked, almost in disbelief. More hurt than he’d ever seen him. And still silent.
He’d done that. He’d done that to him.
The sounds of the city around them dissolved away as Aziraphale waited keenly for Crowley to respond, leaving in their place the most deafening quiet. He could almost hear his own muffled breath whispering in and out, until even that disappeared underneath the crescendo of roaring nothingness in his ears. The thickness of the silence pressed down on him, feeling like it was squeezing him, crushing him, suffocating him. He held his breath.
The universe paused around them, like they stood in the windless eye of a storm. Each mere millisecond as Crowley didn’t move seemed to stretch on for eternity.
As though trying to fill the void, all that he’d said began to echo loudly through Aziraphale’s mind.
The words ricocheted around inside him, shattering him at the edges like glass. Lies, all lies. Like poison on his tongue, but he just couldn’t stop himself speaking them. He had to push Crowley away - it was the only way for them both to survive what was to come - but why did it have to hurt beyond belief? Why did he have to break Crowley’s heart in order to protect him?
And Crowley insisted he was the one who could never be forgiven. After this… which of them was truly the unforgivable one?
At long last, Crowley spoke. His voice was small and tight, barely even audible over the deafening silence. Aziraphale sucked in a breath and tried to brace himself for the inevitable.
The demon nodded curtly, though his expression hardly changed, and his attention remained fixed on Aziraphale. “Well then,” he continued. His throat bobbed as he swallowed, the small movement drawing Aziraphale’s gaze against the stillness of the rest of his body.
Aziraphale’s heart clenched in his chest. Now he was the one who was frozen in place, unable to move. A wave of agony seemed to be radiating through him, making his entire body ache, and the roaring in his ears grew even louder, until it was almost unbearable.
Crowley’s shoulders shifted backwards, but the rest of him stayed facing towards Aziraphale. He was leaving, Aziraphale knew. But the demon was - as ever - giving him one last chance to stop him from going, to give him a reason to stay. Aziraphale wished more than anything that he had an answer for him.
Crowley’s expression finally altered, becoming stony, and he turned away, such that Aziraphale could no longer see his face. Perhaps that was for the best. If he had to witness that look on his face any longer…
It felt as though the pain was eating him alive as Aziraphale helplessly watched the demon start to saunter away down the bandstand steps. Say something. Say something, he begged himself. Don’t leave it like this.
“Have a nice doomsday!” Crowley shouted dismissively back over his shoulder.
Grief exploded inside Aziraphale, almost doubling him over. He stared at Crowley’s turned back as he vanished into the distance, torn between the agony it was causing him to watch him walk away, and the desperate need to get one last, final look at him. Don’t go, he wanted to call after him, but he knew he couldn’t. Eventually, he could stand the sight no longer, and he dragged his eyes away before unshed tears threatened to overflow them. It was done. It was over, just like he’d said. Crowley would be safe now. He’d run to the stars and he’d outlive all the coming destruction; he’d still be alive, out there, somewhere, when all this was over.
Aziraphale took a shaky breath in and looked up again, hoping to catch a final glimpse, but Crowley had already stormed out of sight. He choked down a sob. In the silence of the evening, it sounded as loud as to him as thunder ripping the clouds.
Crowley was gone. He would never see him again, and his last words to him had been full of spite and venom and lies.
Aziraphale put his head in his hands and tried not to weep.
This fic was written for @darkomenszine Vol 2, and has been crossposted to my Ao3. It was inspired by the song It’s All So Incredibly Loud by Glass Animals.
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