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You ask me how I manage not to look for you.. but when I think I miss you, I know that what I actually miss is the love I took away from myself to give to you. That's why looking for you would be like asking fire to put itself out.

The years are flying by so quickly, and yet why does a part of me still feel trapped in 2019? There was a specific moment when my heart broke.. shattered to the point that I could no longer allow myself to be the same person I was before. I forged my identity, I forged my shield. Time is flying by so fast, yet why is it that when I look back, I still see that same little girl..? Capable of giving love even to an ant.. yet unable to feel loved in return. Why is it so hard to receive? Is the problem me? Should I have loved myself more.. to find true love? But does true love really exist? Someone who chooses you every day and forever.. no matter what happens? Someone who fights for you and sees your soul, who looks deep inside? Who, year after year, loves every version of you as the years go by? Who, year after year, still wants to get to know you.. without getting tired and moving on to the next one? I know I’m capable of it, so I know it exists. But why is it so hard to find that same reciprocity? To truly love, that first and only time, can kill you. Is that why people don’t want to love anymore? Is that why I see only empty shells? Is that why I see bodies all around me, but so few souls? A friend here, once told me that abandonment hurts more than betrayal.. and maybe he’s right. Yet both are extremes that converge in the same intensity of pain.

Not all, but many of the people who go to church or wear a rosary around their neck turn out to be the most horrible and petty people on earth.. capable of abandoning their own child, hurting others, and exploiting them for their own gain. Wearing a rosary won’t clear your conscience, much less wash away all the shit you’ve done and that you’re carrying around with you.

Now I know.. I loved you only because I did not love myself, because I lived in darkness with my inner child. If I had had the light, you would not have been my refuge. Now, I turn off the memory of you, to turn myself on.