WHAT IS THIS F*CKERY?!

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#BLACKOUT

You Could Rob All These Rich People’s Houses During the Oscars

At the Oscars last night, several celebrities admirably used their time on stage to speak about issues like equality, discrimination, and poverty. This would have been a good time to rob their houses.

Think about it: during the Oscars, all these famous people are at the Oscars (not at home). Their houses are full of fancy things they can easily afford to replace. There is no better time to rob them.

The morning after a big awards show like this, there is always a very shallow debate over whether it is “good” or “bad” for big celebrities to speak out about political issues on stage at the big awards show. This is not the important issue. I guess on the grand spectrum of “good” to “bad” in this world of ours, “bad” would be “The Academy Awards are held and no one speaks out about politics because it is all about opulence,” and “good” would be “The Academy Awards are not held.” If the Academy Awards are going to be held, might as well use them to some small societal benefit, by robbing the people’s houses.

All of these people are disgustingly rich.

It is nice that, for example, Patricia Arquette supports wage equality. It is certainly better than publicly declaring that she does not support wage equality. But when everyone wakes up Monday morning, that declaration does not do all that much to contribute to wage equality. You know what would contribute to wage equality? If the cars parked in the unattended driveways of every Hollywood movie star last night were sold off to chop shops.

They can replace them very easily.

On balance, it is better that wealthy Hollywood stars assert to have good politics, rather than bad politics. On balance, it is better that they appear to support equality than oppose it. Declaring one’s support for social equality while standing on stage at the Oscars is a little like declaring your pacifism while wildly firing a machine gun, but sure, it’s better than nothing. It is good that this sector of the nation’s economic elite understands and supports the need for America’s coming class war. It should make them much less likely to get mad about the fact that members of the working class robbed their palatial houses during the Oscars. 

ANYWAY.

Robert Smalls was born into slavery in 1839 and at the age of 12 his owner leased him out in Charleston, South Carolina. He gravitated towards working at the docks and on boats and eventually became the equivalent of a pilot, and in late 1861 he found himself assigned to a military transport boat named the CSS Planter.

On May 12, 1862, the white officers decided to spend the night on land. Smalls rounded up the enslaved crew and they hatched a plan, and once the officers were long gone they made a run for it, only stopping to pick up their families (who they notified) along the way. Smalls, disguised as the captain, steered the boat past Confederate forts (including Ft. Sumter) and over to the Union blockade, raising a white sheet his wife took from her job as a hotel maid as a flag of truce. The CSS Planter had a highly valuable code book and all manner of explosives on board.

Smalls ended up serving in the Union Navy and rose to the rank of captain there. He was also one of a number of individuals who talked to Abraham Lincoln about the possibility of African-American soldiers fighting for the Union, which became a reality.

After the war, Smalls bought his owner’s old plantation in Beaufort and even allowed the owner’s sickly wife to move back in until her death. He eventually served in the South Carolina House of Representatives (1865-1870), the South Carolina Senate (1871-1874), and the United States House of Representatives (1875-1879) and represented South Carolina’s 5th District from 1882-1883 and the 7th District from 1884-1887. He and other black politicians also fought against an amendment designed to disenfranchise black voters in 1895, but it unfortunately passed.

Smalls ended his public life by serving as U.S. Collector of Customs in Beaufort from 1889-1911. He died in 1915 at the age of 75.

jellyfish don’t have brains

So for New Year’s Eve I was a unicorn princess. I modeled the look off of the chubby sassy unicorn on my wall. So much glitter and temporary tattoos! (But seriously I’m thinking about getting that Femme for Life shield tattooed for real.) 

Measurements: 49”/47”/56” Size: US 18-24 depending on brand and top or bottom