Artistic Tragedy

Ive been thinking a lot about you and wondering how you are. I've been doing everything in my power to not contact you because i feel like I'm not supposed to. like id be doing myself a disservice. I'm not sure i trust myself with you. I'm not sure i trust you with me. yet the only thing i seem to want is to be loved by you which seems to be this toxic nauseating cycle. A cycle I'm not yet done healing from so what will contacting you actually do for me? what will conversing with you actually do for me; other then being an act of convincing myself, once again, that you can be the person i need you to be. that is a lot of pressure for me to put on you, or anyone. why can't we be okay with things that don't work? why do we have to force it in order for it to be? why can't we just exist in the love we have for each other instead of coming back to our painful traumatic patterns? do both of these things co-exist in the act of loving someone? do i want only parts of you or do i want all of you? am i okay with all that you are? i am okay with all that i am enough to accept you as a whole? are any of us? we all want so many things from the ones we love, the ones we dare call ours but are in a space of receiving AND reciprocating?