Mind of a Creator

Gain 10 lbs of muscle - It's a work in progress!

Get paid to dance - It's happening! I started gogo'ing.

Play piano min. 1x a week - Need to work on it.

Eat like a healthy vegan - It's happening!

Minimum to no alcohol consumption - It's happening, drank 5ish total times this year!

Smoke less weed - Need to work on it.

Attend every dance class I pay for - It's happening!

Post min. 1x TikTok a week - I deleted TikTok after it started to consume my life and I got into a little beef.

Get financially savvy - It's happening! My bonus helped me pay off my credit card and I've been paying the entire monthly balance ever since.

I had a dying tree on my balcony and it was time to get rid of it.

As I was throwing it out, it dawned on me.

The dying tree is my dying chapter on satyriasis.

Gain 10 lbs of muscle

Get paid to dance

Play piano min. 1x a week

Eat like a healthy vegan

Minimum to no alcohol consumption

Smoke less weed

Attend every dance class I pay for

Post min. 1x TikTok a week

Get financially savvy

this shit is hitting too damn hard.

the cold - no thanks

the lack of daylight - no thanks

I need to be outside in hot temps with the sun beaming on my face.

Today I decided to reflect on the ways I've handled my mental health without help from big pharma. I'd also like to address a comment made on my Tik Tok live the other day.

Celebrate the small wins. Making your bed in the morning, washing your face, brushing your teeth. You did something that is beneficial to you. These things are worth celebrating.

Do healthy activities that boost your serotonin as often as possible. I take dance classes at least 3-5 times a week. A class is 2 hours and I always leave feeling good (for the most part). I recently got a bike and love riding the trails around ATL. It brings me so much joy to do active things that cost little to nothing.

Finally, fuel your body with good stuff. I've been a crappy vegan the past few years, but when I do eat clean, green, and drink a lot of good liquids like water or tea that is when my skin glows, I feel light, and helps my self-image.

The other day I was on TikTok live and someone in the comments says, "you seem like the type that would be self-absorbed." I responded with, "not self-absorbed, but self-invested." There is nothing wrong with investing time, money, and energy into yourself. When you do you're able to give that energy back to others.

That's all for now!

Trevor, it's been 8 years since our relationship ended. Today I saw on IG that your boyfriend proposed, and you said yes. I didn't think it would hit me as hard as it has. Your name has always been the answer to those that ask, "Who was the one that go away?" My mind and heart continue to travel back to vidid memories of our time together. The happy moments, the confusing, and the sad. I wish you could have gotten to know the man I've become today.

I remember the night I decided to pursue you. We had been texting as friends, but I would get jealous when you'd bring up dates with this guy Zach. I would spend those nights crying which sounds silly, but I knew I had a strong attraction towards you. It was a snow day and you had mentioned you were planning to spend it with Zach. I had the song Red Lights by Tiesto playing. It turns out in that day Zach decided to ghost you. Although you were upset I was low-key happy.

I suggested we hang out with the intention of getting to know each other as more than friends, you agreed. I can't seem to recall our first date, but I do think it had something to do with dinner and a movie. Hence why I can't remember! I just know that after it I felt those feelings you see portrayed in those cheesy rom coms. At the time, you were everything I wanted. Tall, handsome, smart, dark features, active, and ambitious as all hell. To a 19 something year old that looked like end game man. Little did I know our journey was meant to teach me something larger.

Our romance quickly blossomed. I remember we spent as much time as we could together. At the time, I was going to community college at MCC and you were finishing your undergrad at Western State while working at TD Bank. I remember ditching my theater class to surprise you at work with candy and a card. Even though I stopped in for those 10-15 minutes, it was worth seeing how happy it made you.

You eventually introduced me to your gay friends Sev and Stephen who lived in Albany, NY. Kinda random if you ask me. The first time I met them we went out to the gay bar Waterworks where Sev performed in drag. She was badass as fuck and opened my eyes to that fabulous world. You had an eye for people with a good heart and soul. I also got the opportunity to meet and spend time with your family. Although you parents had a Christian religious background they were welcoming of me. Your sisters were the best. So different and outgoing in their own ways. Your older brother although didn't live in Chicopee also seemed nice, but never got the chance to get to know him. He was also low-key hot.

Some memories that come to mind when I think back about our time together:

Going out to dinner with your coworkers and then after hiking through the woods to a lake where they took cute pictures of us.

Spending time at your parents house having family dinners. You introducing me to your favorite movie V for Vendetta.

Going on countless dates and trips to restaurants, mini golf, Albany, Providence, and more.

Albany trip when we went with Sev and Stephen to kayak. That was a good one!

Pool day at my parents house also included Sev and Stephen.

My cousin Meaghan's wedding. You looked so handsome all dressed up. We did have a fight that night, but it was dumb I'm sure.

Coming home to you after I attended my neighbors prom. Seeing you and my mom watching a show together. You both got along so well.

Sitting in the parking lot after getting ice cream and just talking. That was the night I saw the Remax sign quote, "Dream with your eyes open," which I eventually got tattooed on my arm.

Playing a Sky Full of Stars by Coldplay and even though you weren't the best singer, hearing you sing it to me.

Going to the gym with Taylor, my bestfriend at the time, and hearing about how she didn't like you for me.

Even though you were argumentative and thought you could win because you were going to law school I still loved spending any moment I got with you. I don't know why I cheated when I did. I had so much more to discover about myself. I guess the time wasn't right for us. After our breakup I was able to go to college in NYC, meet amazing people, start a career doing something I love, and live in 2 other cities / states. I'd like to think this all happened for a reason. I want to thank you for shaping me into the man I am today.

Congrats on your engagement. I hope you two share this love for eternity. I hope for myself I can find this too.

I love you,

The topic of my friend and his boyfriend getting married came up multiple times today. I should be happy for them, but all I can do is eye roll. Based on previous drunk conversations with my friend there was hesitation about getting married to his boyfriend. After this trip who knows. I wonder what will happen once we get back to Atlanta. I wonder if the hesitations are still there. I hate being negative on here, but I had to let this out.

Otherwise, our last day in Italy was magical. We had an amazing lunch across the bridge at a restaurant I forget the name of. I got spaghetti and mushroom pizza because I was a hungry girl. After lunched, we walked to a local town that overlooks the city stopping for drinks by the pool at Villa Cora. I got a vodka Redbull and a cappuccino because I felt tired. Our waiter at the pool was very cute. At the end he brought us a mixed shot. From there, we walked back to our Airbnb stopping at a couple jewelry stores which I knew were to look for engagement rings. Again, BARF! I hate being a little jealous bitch, but here we are.

I don't know where these thoughts are coming from, but I had to write it out.

I'll start by saying I'm not incredibly proud of the way I sleep around with men. I use it as a defense mechanism. However, I do enjoy it. After these situations I reflect on not only my past relationships, but the relationships my friends are in.

My best friend has been dating his boyfriend for almost 3 years now. They have been through ups and downs, but I'm still confused why they're still together. Regardless of having a 10 year age gap (my friend being younger) I don't see that as the true root of the issue. I think it's control and honesty.

I can tell that his boyfriend has a control issue. It's been evident by the way my friend succumbs to phrases like "{name} is right, I shouldn't be doing that all the time". I understand that your partner could help you become a better person. Wanting to go out and hang with you friends shouldn't be an issue and for my friends boyfriend it looks to be. My friend has told me his boyfriend struggles with being alone, but that sounds like he's needy. The boyfriend also doesn't hold a stable career and I notice that takes a toll on his confidence level. I've heard time and time before that the sex is good, but is that really everything? Yes, I see them being good for each other when it's good. When it gets bad though... I eye roll because I don't understand how or why my friend deals with it.

I don't like to wish negative things on anyone, but I really don't think they should go through with getting married. Is that me being jealous of what they have or being cautious for my best friend who I've know longer than his boyfriend has. The last few times I've been alone with my friends boyfriend, he's talked about buying a ring. Again... eye roll! My friend has told me verbatim that he isn't sure if they should get married. He's also said he's nowhere near ready which I respect. It ends up being awkward when I have these conversations with the boyfriend because he's always like, "what would {name} want," to which I want to reply I don't think he thinks you're the one until you work out your issues: control, confidence in yourself, and money.

Don't get my started on money. I realize that can make or break a relationship after seeing their situation. The boyfriend is a TV show creator, but the catch is nothing has landed yet. He's boasted about how if a show gets picked up, he'll be making $350K out the gate. Cool, but like I don't need to hear shit like that from you because we aren't that close and it feels like a power play. I think people should talk about money, but there's a time, place, and specific people to chat with. Anyway, nothing has gotten picked up yet. My friends mentioned how the boyfriend is always stressed with his jobs because he works so hard and doesn't make much. I guess good things could come and that may solve that issue. What if once the boyfriend gets a payout, he becomes a totally different person. Time will tell!

To wrap up this long rant... I feel like I don't know my friend anymore. He acts hot and cold. The way they show PDA seems off, so I'm just not sure what I see for those two as the future unfolds. I will always have my friends back over the boyfriend and never want to wish them unwell, but do I actually like the boyfriend and see them as end game? I don't know.

Signing off,

I figured I'd recap the last 2 days on the Pasitano trip of our Europe tour.

Yesterday, we took a boat with 2 couples and a mom and her daughters (I assume) to Capri. The boat ride had stunning views of the mountains, caves, and coral. We got off the boat and immediately Steven did some light shopping. The Italians (Frank + I) were hungry so I treated everyone to lunch at a beach club on the shore. I ate the best caprese salad of my life. Frank got a fried fish assortment, Steven got a fish panini, Tim got spaghetti, and I got ravioli. The food and drinks were amazing. After that, we took the train up the mountain to the center of Capri. The views as we were going were stunning! We walked around and window shopped at designer stores because let's be real none of us could afford anything. We had to be back at the boat by 4pm, so instead of heading to the highest peak of Capri we went back to the port early. The boat driver was a cute Italian boy who had Prosecco and snacks waiting for us as we got back on. During the ride back some of us slept while the others took in the views.

We got back to Positano and went straight to the amazing bakery that had the pasta filled pastry. Again, one of the best things I've ever eaten. Tim broke away from the group to take a time lapse going up the stairs to our Airbnb. The walk up and down was tough, but I'm proud to announce I beat the group back by 1m 30s a couple nights prior. It wasn't even a race, but that's the Capricorn in me. As Frank, Steven and I made it up the road we found the Mediterranean place that a local shop owner suggested. Steven only wanted wine while the Italians needed that + another snack. The service at the restaurant was so slow that we used Steven being "sick" as an excuse to leave. It relieved us from having to pay for water. Not too far up the road we found a small cafe that also had booze. The worker was a cute curly haired Italian boy with nice eyelashes. We were all gawking at his looks. After 2 large glasses of wine we ran into Tim going up the mountain. Back at the Airbnb, I went straight to the hot tub staying into for a total of 6 hours. The boys each joined me at different times. Frank and I had some bonding time with some snow involved. Tim and Steven were having a heart-to-heart wrapped up in blankets on the beach chairs. It was around 12a when everyone went to bed and I was left in the hot tub with my thoughts. I started out into the black abyss with the mountains and ocean asleep. It was peaceful. The hot tub water started to get cold so I ran into a hot shower before heading to bed.

I almost decided not to come on this trip due to money concerns. However, came regardless because I knew it was going to be an experience of a lifetime.

Signing off for now...

Today is the 2nd days in Positano, Italy. It's been a heartfelt experience considering my family is from Salerno.

Here is a little more about my family:

My Great Grandmom Agostina DeSimone arrived in NYC, NY on 6/21/1934 on a ship called Rex.  She was born Agostina Ruggia in 1903 in Salerno, Italy and was 31 when she came to the US. She passed away on 01/23/2002.  Her father's name was Liberato Ruggia, I only have her mother's first name Paradise.

Great Grandpop Donato DeSimone was also born  in Salerno, Italy on 06/01/1896 and died on 05/06/1982.  He arrived at the age of 17 in Philadelphia, PA on May 2, 1914 on the SS Ancona.  His father's name was Guiseppe and his mother's name was Concetta.

I was unaware about this information until I reached out to my Nana and Uncle Doug. I figured I was staying close to my family history, but didn't realize how close!

I started this Europe trip on 4/20/22. I came with my best friend Steven, his boyfriend Frank, and Frank's best friend Tim.

Side note: I almost didn't come because I was worried about money, but ended up getting a raise, bonus, and pro-rated pay. Needless to say I recovered.

We spent a day and evening in London. I saw Big Ben and other London architecture. Then we took a train to Paris, France staying for a few days and nights. We saw the Eiffle Tower and other architecture I don't remember the name of.

Now we're in Positano on the Almafi Coast. I need to learn another language because being here and not speaking my family's language feels wrong. I think the plan today is to shop and walk around. You have to walk up and down steps to travel which is killer, but worth it! I've been eating the best Italian food of my life and can't wait to see what more adventure awaits.

Signing off for now.

After having dreams about my recent ex-boyfriend for the past couple nights, I took it as a sign to reach out.

First text was, “hope you’re doing well” to which I see an imessage become green. I’ve been blocked!!! BUT WAIT... jk ... I blocked him.

So after awkwardly going to Instagram and hearing him say, “I texted you back,” I was like SHIT.

We continued the convo via Instagram, but it didn’t go anywhere. So... I reached out via imessage again (after unblocking him hehe!) and here is the rest of the convo:

Me: Would you be open to catching up over coffee one day? With the way things ended, I feel like I need closure. I understand if this is something you aren’t comfortable with.

Him: One question. Closure on what? How things ended?

Me: Yeah basically

Him: I wouldn’t mind but I don’t want to. In my opinion, You don’t deserve closure after how things ended and things that were said. I’ve excepted things for how they are. You broke up with me so you shouldn’t need closure since it felt like your mind was made up and clear. That day I felt like I didn’t even know you. And that’s because I didn’t. No hard feelings. I’m gunna continue my life to the fullest and I hope you do too. I should be the one asking for closure but I don’t need it. 

Me: Okay!

Him: I’m sorry I just can’t think of anything specific you would ask me that you don’t already know.

Me: I guess you’re right. I just wanted to clear the air because when we broke up nothing was said. On both of our parts. But I respect your choice.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED

Him: Things were definitely said. Hope you find your perfect man with a “career and goals” lol Have a good day though. I hope you find a job soon cuz I know you were super stressed about that. And I hope you figure out what direction you want your life to go in. You’ll figure it out soon I know you will. And wish you the best. -his name

So I have a few problems with how this conversation went. 

First of all, you don’t get to tell me how to feel or what I need / don’t need. 

I don’t care who broke it off, I wanted to catch up regardless. 

He then quotes something HE SAID even though I mentioned not much was said to begin with. WHICH WAS TRUE!

And then proceeds to the end conversation by signing off as if we were emailing each other. 

One of the reasons I broke up with him was because he doesn’t communicate well.