Today I felt like the world told me to be happy. I think it was to remind me that I can be and I have a right to be happy because I have happiness inside myself.

I was feeling really old and dull today especially after work. I just started working with this new guy and I can’t tell what’s worse. Having a partner that’s annoying or an asshole? Well at least the annoying guy is from my neighborhood and he has investing things to say.

To give myself a pick me up, I decided to do a nice deep facial cleansing. I bought this really nice facial bar from Lush called Coalface. It’s really great, easy to use, made with all natural ingredients like sandalwood oils, rosemary, and most importantly, activated charcoal. It’s really great for absorbing excess oil on your face and it’ll gently unclog your pores with a very light exfoliation from little grains of the charcoal. I like how it balances my complexion while also giving good oil control and my face is matte but not dry.

As I was lathering up with my luscious Coalface bar, I was overcome with the need to just be clean of my depression. To wash away a sad, dull face that moaned, “I’m making my uncle’s and cousin’s death about me.” I’ve thought about suicide ever since I was a little boy and to hear how my uncle took his own life and the life of his 7 year old son is terrifying me into complete silence. A need to just rupture at the seams and fall apart.

POP.

FUCKING SOAP POPS OUT OF MY HANDS. FLIES IN A PERFECT QUADRATIC ARC INTO MY FUCKING TOILET.

and I laughed. And I saw myself laugh in the mirror and I remembered that I can be happy. I grabbed my sides to hold myself together as the laughs pushed and collided in my body. Happiness ached to be free.

I am only a prisoner of the cage I make for myself.