Dan Meets World

This word just hit me about 10m ago. Outta nowhere. I just said “man I feel volatile” and then I looked it up and the word and definition are really resonating with me.

Am I a volatile person?

If yes: I guess that’s one for therapy someday.

If no: When did I start? What’s the cause?

Idk. But one things for sure, I’m sorry to everyone. Volatility isn’t easy to be around.

I feel better about myself today.

These two joints are helping me heal this week.

Freebie is a biblical sermon that makes me feel #GodMode

Gotta move like I'm rollin' on my last day, I'm so consumed (Yeah)

And them demons hatin', yeah, they on me

Lost, can you hear 'em? Give 'em love when you see him (Tsh)

Existential Dread

Walking into work today that feeling just really hit.

“Fuck I gotta do this shit again. I do not feel like being today. What the fuck am I doing? Why the fuck am I here?”

In thru nose: 1-2-3-4-5

Hold: 6-7-8-9-10-11-12

Out thru mouth: 13-14-15-16-17-18-19-20

Repeat.

But today’s set sparked tears?

My LostBoi what are you going through?

Currently feeling: heartbroken, lost, lonely, broke, purposeless.

I know what to do in this situation. I think I set some kind of foundation for times like this.

#AbolishDepression

I am the star of my life. I am the coolest person I know. I am free and I serve my purpose my way.

*deep breath* just breathe, kiddo.

I love you and you are going to be okay again soon.

The new year is coming and I think it would be wise to set some goals.

I’m thinking that we’re outgrowing what we built from 30-35. Growth is never comfortable and healing isn’t something that ends.

I’ve been drugged up this month and it’s silently ugly. But this is my process. “I’ll be damned if I die sober”

But I’m not finna die.

Feeling loved is something worth suffering for, to me.

It’s that thing that makes us human and that is what I am.

Just another good kid in a maad city. #PrayForRay 😂

But if I’m giving myself credit.. I have lost 2 beautiful people and have had my beautiful heart broken twice so let a nigga crash out! Shit!

This weeks cocktail has been: Adderall and coffee in the am, weed when I get home and no physical movement until the next morning when I have to get up for work. Food intake has been nearly non-existent.

I’m going to free my mind some this weekend in an Airbnb somewhere a couple hours away and I hope that it can help me going into next week…

I’m starting to feel less proud of my resilience trait and am starting to resent the reasons that I am so.

But it’s 10:56 and my first haircut is due.

I’m hating it here breh. I have loved and I have lost. A lot. This year specifically. And it’s taking its toll on me. I don’t want to be dark.

Today the thought hit me: What do I want for my 36th year?

I felt a lot of pressure going into 35 but I was optimistic.

I need to take control at some point, huh?

I think I need more money. I just hate money. Idk.

I’m certainly tired of being alone, but I refuse to settle.

Idk man.

The coldest feeling to keep this warmth.

Sometimes we take a long drag and an even longer look in the mirror.

We think about all the things we’ve seen and how it feels like there will never be enough time to share it all.

35 might be my most challenging year of this 30s run but I’m starting to lean into it.

I think he’s afraid to accept love.

Sometimes I see pain in his eyes, but sometimes we love it.

He needs a vacation, honestly.