Ducky’s Art

Depression is like falling into a frozen lake. You heard the ice cracking but everyone told you that it was okay and you were fine. Then suddenly the ice breaks and you plunge into the cold depths. You can see people looking at you through the ice but even though they think they can you, they really can't. And you see everything in a blur. The water is so cold you are numb and just paralyzed. You have to fight to hold on to the reason that is keeping you from syncing to the bottom every day. Arguing with the voices in your head. My reason right now is my dog and the demons in my head tell me that I just kill him to it and it will be okay. That is how bad it is. No one sees that though. They tell you to just keep swimming. They tell you that they will pull you out and then they back up when you reach for them because they either don't want to fall in too or they think you should be able to pull yourself out. Every time you are able to find a hole and you swim up into the light to the surface to pull yourself out the ice just keeps breaking no matter how hard you try to climb onto it. You fall back into the darkness. Then people say things like, "Well at least you aren't in a volcano." "Why isn't holding my hand for five minutes enough for you to climb out?" "If you feel like that then you don't deserve me to be on top of the ice looking at you." They get upset with you for not meeting them at the movies but you are stuck and almost paralyzed under the ice. The world goes on around you, sometimes in slow motion, sometimes at full speed. After time goes by you fight less and less to swim towards the light, to get that breath of air, and to feel the warmth on your skin because you know you are just going to go back under. It's hard enough to keep from sinking to the bottom you don't have the energy to do anymore when all you want to do is just sink and disappear forever. 

No one talks about the functioning kind of depression. The kind that gets up and tends to the animals, the kids, cleans the house, and goes to work, The kind that understands that they are still responsible for their actions and they can’t make the rest of the people in their lives miserable just because they feel that way. The kind that just floats through the day with no hope and no joy but they do it anyway to not kill anyone else’s hope and joy. Then when these people reach out for help they get told they aren’t that bad. Even though they spend every moment in between their responsibilities in bed unmotivated to do anything for themself. They spend all day long fighting suicidal thoughts and feeling like they will never get better. These people don’t care if the people around them don’t see how they feel because they don’t want to be a burden. They know they are the only ones responsible for their feelings. Some of them want to feel better but in the end, they all stop caring. You hear those tips they give you like getting dressed and making your bed. Those do not work for me because I have no problem laying down in my clothes or on top of my made bed or just making the bed before my boyfriend comes home because I think he deserves to come home to a clean and made bed when he gets off work. I get out of bed every day to feed my animals and make sure their area is clean because they are dependent on me and I think they deserve a happy life. Yet every day I fight constant thoughts of not wanting to do this anymore, not wanting to be here, not wanting to keep fighting. I can’t find a reason to. In the end, my boyfriend can make his own bed, he can take care of the animals or they can be re-homed. No one needs me. I don’t think that every day has to be a good day, but I know every day shouldn’t feel the same. 

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