FUCK IF I KNOW

It’s past midnight and I’m back home at our house in Fairview, QC. Here to babysit my little sister for two days because mom is doing some early morning errands. 

I’m wide awake because I wanted to wait for the new iPhones to be unveiled today on the much hyped Apple keynote. It’s held in pacific time zone which means it doesn’t start until 1am here in Manila. 

I’m not really as exciting as it was a couple years ago. During these times, I always reminisce my first time having an Apple product. I think it was the 3rd gen iPod nano. It was a sleek mp3 device. 

I’m blown away by its design. The built is futuristic and I can’t imagine how they are able to fit it all in one device. I was in high school when I got that device. The feeling of being on top of the gadget race was impeccable.

Then a few years later, I owned a smartphone. It was a Samsung phone running Android 4.4 or something, I can’t even remember. I was blown away by the concept of having apps on the phone and the touchscreen was really amazing. 

Little did I know that iPhones existed. At the same time, my mom received a gift from her suitor, an iPhone 3GS. At that time, iPhone 4 was already released.

I badly wanted to have one and I promised myself that once I started working, I’ll save all my money to buy an iPhone. 

My brother got the iPhone 4S when he started working. It was the perfect smartphone at that time. I was so jealous that every time he comes from work, I’d try my best to get a hold of that phone. 

Few more years went by, and I’m still using the iPhone 3GS that my mom gave me. I was able to save enough for the iPhone 5S. It was also the first iPhone that I bought with my own money. 

All I can say is that the 5S is the best form factor and design that Apple has ever made. I held on to that device for the next 3 years or so, until its battery wore off and it died because I badly wanted to replace the battery myself. It was a bummer. 

I switched to Android phones and then bought the iPhone X when it came out. I’m very impressed by its performance and until today I’m still using my iPhone X.

I don’t want to dwell too much on the experience. I know everyone who ever had a gadget knew how it’s so nice to be able to buy their own device.

This note is just me saying that, Apple, you are so impactful in so many ways.

Today, you may not release a very impressive device, but I gotta say, you kept on pushing the limits every time you release a new device. You help the whole tech community innovate and improve (and copy, ehem, notch, ehem).

Thank you for bringing joy to the fans and thank you for pushing the competitions forward. Without you, the smartphones wouldn’t be as good as it is today. 

One practice that I recently stumbled upon and want to try is to write to my journal every single morning. The practice said it’s going to clear my mind for the entire day. So let’s try it.

Today is Aug 21, 2019 and it is a holiday here in the Philippines. I’ve been doing so well vlogging my life this month until I tried applying for a job, after that, I just stopped vlogging and haven’t been doing it for the past 2 weeks or so. I feel guilty that I let go of my passion again for the sake of finding a normal job.

But I want today to be different. I want to start daily vlogging again. This time, I’m going to try to record mundane things and make a story out of them. I’ll love and hate it at the same time. But it’s going to be okay. This time, I’ll fully commit myself to this and for the rest of my life, or for as long as I could.

I got the means, I only need to be disciplined with my routines.

Filming your day every single day seems a lot easier said than done. I know because I tried it, and most of the times, I just want to be buried in my computer at home. Most of the time, I don’t want to interact with people outside. I just want to play games and watch TV shows and read books. But I guess the price of being a YouTuber means you have to be spend a lot more energy outdoors. Or not, I don’t know.

I’ve got great views when I do an unboxing or a review of a smartphone so I think my channel will lean towards tech. I’m okay with it since I know I’m also passionate about tech. The only sacrifice I will have to make is actually buying gadgets that I don’t need just to review it.

A lot of people talk about dreams and why you should pursue it. We see a lot of videos online that tells you to follow your dreams. It’s very common knowledge that pursuing your passion is the purpose of life.

But only a few people talk about how to determine what your dream really is.

This is a guide on how to find your dreams, if you don’t know where to start.

Side note: Just a reminder that following your dreams is a high risk decision. But the result is always a win, it’s either you achieve that dream, or you’ll die trying. It’s still a win either way.

Let’s begin with a story. There was this kid who grew up in a very traditional filipino family. His parents wanted him to become a doctor as they’ve seen that he’s always been the brightest among his peers. In his mind, he’s going to be a doctor. Until reality hits him hard. He has no financial support to continue his studies. He quit college and worked full time in order to sustain his life. During those years that he has a stable job, he was lost. All that he thought about was that everything he’s going through was temporary. He never liked working on an office with a boss that’s a kiss ass to the higher boss. It was a vicious cycle.

He worked hard nonetheless. While he was doing this “temporary” job for more than 6 years, he developed a passion for watching different sorts of movies. Different genres. He’d download pirated movies in super high quality to understand the methods of the great directors like Stanley Kubrick and Wes Anderson.

And then he got intrigued with storytelling, he got into writing, filmmaking, and photography.

He never had an education in any of those but he saved up money to buy all the entry level equipment he needed. And finally, at the age of 26, he quit his day job and started his own company. He’s not a multimillionaire owning an organization, he’s still himself. He’s still broke.

But he’s living the dream. He’s a struggling artist finding his way to pay the bills and survive this city but he’s more than happy now than when he was earning enough at that day job.

The point is, you don’t have to quit your job right away. If that job is paying you enough to sustain your life, don’t quit.

What you can do is, on your free time, instead of playing games, or watching Netflix all day; try to find something that you’re really passionate about, maybe it’s painting, maybe it’s making biscuits, maybe it’s drinking beer (you can brew your own beer and sell it someday!) I have a friend who are into drawing and making vases (pot), he now has a business selling vases with doodles on it. He’s still working full time. It’s amazing.

The point is, whatever it is that you are interested in doing and that you are truly happy about, do it. There’s no point in wasting your one life in doing something you are not truly happy with.

Time is your ally and your enemy. You can always start at any point in your life. Don’t waste your time with things that are temporary and get your shit together, one by one. Quit playing games, quit flirting, quit wasting your time on movies that are not worth it. Make every single second count.

If you’re in your 40s and thinks that time has passed, no it’s not. You still have another 40 years to live your life to the fullest. You want to think about your family and your children, your legacy that’s left behind. Time is always more than enough. Make it count.

It’s been a month since I quit my day job and at times I feel like it was a mistake to take the leap of faith. I’m worried about the things that I left behind in order to fulfill my dream, my dream to become a filmmaker. On the other hand, I can see the vast potential of being free from the regular corporate life. I can do whatever I want. 

However, after a month of laying off, I’m still the same person as I was before. I realized that being free is such a huge responsibility. Even though I’ve successfully made videos for the past month, I feel like there is no improvement. Although everyone who watches my vlogs says that it’s getting better. 

One thing is for sure, with this responsibility to take control of every single decisions and actions, I have to be more disciplined. Most days when I’m on the mood to make a content or write, I would feel terrible because I thought that I’m running out of time. I wasn’t really running out of time. In fact, I’ve more time than I ever had when I had a day job. 

The time I have is plenty and I personally think that I’m not managing it properly. Before I go to bed, I’m telling myself to be more productive the next day, and then in the morning, when I wake up I feel like shit. I feel no motivation to get up and do something. That’s the first thing I need to fix. 

For the past years, I hated routine, and now I’m craving for a routine. Just not the same routine as I was doing when I had that job. I guess that’s where it should start. 

I wonder what other freelancers feel about having the time on their hands and I want to know how they actually manage to be more disciplined. I like how the people I look up to has the same discipline. They all have their own routine that they accomplish at the end of the day. I thought I was ready for it. I was wrong. 

It’s more difficult for me to follow the schedule that I made but who am I to complain? When I look at these people, they are relentless. They do whatever it takes to reach their goals.

I just finished meditating for the first time. When I say I meditated, I just put my headphones and music on and just closed my eyes and focused on my breath. What I learned from it is that it’s something I rarely do. Id’ always want to do something but also I won’t finish the task because I’m being lazy. Meditating helped me to point out and actually magnify my problem. It is not my surroundings, it was all me. 

From now on, I’d try to keep my mind silent for at least 15 minutes everyday and see what happens if I keep doing that. Would I be able to finally breakthrough? I have a positive feeling about it. 

A wise man once said, “If you’re really smart, you’d figure out how to be rich and happy.” Up to this point, I can say that I’m happy with what I’m doing but I need to figure out how to turn my happiness and passion into money. That’s another goal that I’m stressing about. I only have enough savings that will last for maybe another five months. In those five months, I don’t understand why I still don’t have the urgency to make the most out of it. 

It’s hard to break the mentality of being mediocre. I can say that I’m acknowledging the fact that I’m still nothing compared to who I want to become in the future.

But I’m lucky enough to have my thoughts about this. I’m in the right track. I appreciate that I still have some people who supports me with what I do and they are working hard to help me reach my dreams. I will not let them down. 

Hi,

I started a series called 30 for 30 but I never have finished it. I’m sorry for the lack of discipline. Today, I’m starting a new series again. This time, it’s going to be like Wil Darbyshire’s YouTube channel. I start with a number and just continue as we go along the way. No more limits. No more goals. I just want to keep going.

Today is July 1, 2019. It’s the start of the month. It’s also exactly the middle of the year. Earlier this morning, I’ve been having an existential crisis. I haven’t told you in this blog that I quit my day job a month ago to become a full time YouTube vlogger. It’s been one of the craziest decisions I’ve done in my life. I’ve always wanted to break free from the structured routine of the corporate world. Now, I realized that it’s not that easy. In fact, it’s more difficult because I don’t know where to start. I’m trying my best to still have a structure in my schedule but it’s actually difficult to follow it because you’re not following anybody higher than you. You have to follow yourself. And if you don’t respect yourself and don’t follow your own rules, you’ll end up with no accomplishments for the day. 

That’s why I’m having some crisis. One main reason to worry about is the passive income. In the freelance world, you depend on your skills and relationships to build trust with your clients and to earn money. And with my situation, I’ve realized that throughout the past years, I’ve never built any real connections with my friends or colleagues. That’s why it’s difficult to land a gig. 

I got my first gig this month for a cheap price, thanks to my brother. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished so far, and while writing this, I realized, I have so much more to learn and to do. I’ll have to build my portfolio so people will recognize my work. That’s probably my goal today.

There are so many distractions when you’re working for yourself. My lifestyle, my girlfriend’s schedule and my cousins who just wants to play video games all the time. My house is a mess too. I’m starting with that today. I’m cleaning the house, inch by inch, and while doing it, I feel better. 

I guess structure and routine is still very important for your balance. I’ll end this with a positive note:

April 28, 2019 - Sunday 6:53 AM Mandaluyong City, Philippines

I’ve already made up my mind. I will quit by the end of May. I saw Gary Vee’s motivational video and I know it’s not reliable because he’s clearly selling me his shit and I bought it. However, even if I haven’t seen his videos, it’s clear to me that I want to quit this job. 

Earlier today, I went to work meditating and thinking about not taking things seriously. I got in early and managed my emails that I haven’t attended to since it was may day off. I manage to pull through the day but boy was it so busy. I don’t know why staffing is consistently few during the weekends where all the retards are calling. Gladly, I’m able to change my mindset and got a trolling right wing paranoid customer who thinks he’s supporting his favorite YouTube channel and is dedicated to reporting the speculations that that certain channel is going to be taken down. Which is not true. The channel exists since a few years back and has never been taken down. So I decided to return the favor. I trolled that guy for one hour and he clearly thought I was with him. It was a good day.

I feel terrible whenever some random person who don’t know me thinks that everything bad that’s happening to them is because of me or my job or my company. I could care less about the company but I’m truly a sensitive person. All I want to do is get the job done as best as I can. Some people wanted to be pampered. To be heard. To be able to voice out their complaints. They don’t want to fix the mess, or even hear about the truth. They just want people to hug them and say everything will be alright when in fact, the only way it will be alright is when we take actions. 

Some people are dwelling on the things that makes them feel comfortable. Don’t be like that person. Be better than that person. I think there should be a certain timeline where you can immerse on the pain and when to move on or get up. If you’re on a phone with a customer service rep, don’t be silly and cry on the phone for an hour. Cry for maybe 5 minutes and get straight to the point. You think that crying makes these people behind the phone empathize with you better? Nah. Do you think your issue will be fixed even faster or your demands will be met? Nah. Business as usual. To be honest, we are trained to fake empathy. We are trained to tell you that we are going to do everything we can to fix your issue while in fact, we are just going to do it our own way, and that’s the only way. Hard facts. We even extend our help to those who are kind and understanding customers. We don’t like angry customers as much as you don’t like bad customer service. One tip, if you find a rep that is dumb and stupid and sounds like he doesn’t know what he’s doing. He clearly doesn’t know what he’s doing and don’t even try to make him do better. He will not. Just drop the call and get another rep. Where you can hopefully get a better one. 

The ones who care are really rare, but once you got them, you have to respect them and return the favor. Be nice but be firm and confident. You’ll get to where you want to be. This applies to both parties.  

April 27, 2019 - Saturday 12:41 AM Mandaluyong City, Philippines 

Last night, Jane and I talked about my plans for the next couple of months. I openly told her that I want to quit my day job. 

I don’t want to spend another few months in something that I don’t want to do. I have the strength to open up and tell this because I have a few savings left in my bank. I don’t want to splurge it to something I know I’ll regret later. At first, I want to put up a business, but then I’m afraid that it’s not what’s going to make me happy in the long run. So I decided to invest that money instead towards something I can incorporate with what I’m already doing. I will just use the money as a leverage to give myself more time to focus on my new found passion. Filmmaking. 

I already have the basic equipment. I don’t need to spend more on that. All I need now is to be able to quit my job and sustain my current living needs, like my rent and other bills. I think my savings is enough to last me for six months. 

Within that six months, I want to be able to focus more on photography and vlogging. I want to start becoming a freelance photographer and start pacing my own work. I’ve said this in the past and I want to say this again. I wake up every single day not feeling good about going to work and now that I have the change to quit and pursue what I want, all I need to do is to take the leap. 

I think worst case scenario is, after six months and I’m still not taking off, I’m going to take home based jobs to be able to sustain living in the city. 

I think it’s a crazy move, but I’ve been thinking it through for the past few months now. My heart wants to do it when everyone wants me to slow down. I cannot slow down anymore. I want to have enough energy to be able to make something and see the growth of my channel and myself. 

I know I’ll learn a lot throughout the six months of quitting my day job. I know this is only just the beginning. I’m starting with planning on a daily routine that is attainable and flexible. Next, I’d have to budget my savings to be able to spend less than what I needed. 

I’m feeling very positive about this. I want to tell everyone but I have to contain myself and grow from within. I’d like to believe myself more than anybody else and I don’t want the negativity to come from the beginning. 

Before I start though, I have promised my girlfriend that I’m going to make at least two videos per week this May. I will push my limit and see what comes from the effort that I’m going to make. All I need is to move my ass and not be a lazy bum. Or else, I’m really going back to zero. 

What the Avengers: Endgame taught me (no spoilers) is that, you can either move on from your goal or be very stubborn and try until you succeed. They had 14,000,000 chances to 1. And if you watched the Endgame already, you know what the outcome was. 

April 25, 2019 - Thursday 7:46 AM Mandaluyong City, Philippines 

In light of the Avengers Endgame, I’d like to write something that can maybe inspire or bore you depending on the way you can relate to it.

Imagine being alive in 2019. Imagine being able to watch the past ten years of the MCU movies. Imagine being young when you first saw the Iron man movie and how Robert Downey Jr. killed it with his acting. Imagine the excitement of being able to wait for the end credits and saw a small clip of the sequels. Imagine being present when Thanos killed half of the population. Imagine being able to see all of the good movies that came out on the 21st century. Imagine being able to enjoy all these things, in IMAX, in 3D, in all of those fancy movie theaters. Imagine being able to enjoy legendary movies and TV shows by just streaming it online. Imagine that you have access to all of these beautiful films. I can’t even imagine how vast the influence of media and films and movies and celebrities. I can’t imagine how life can be without graphic and moving pictures as a form of art. Imagine living in a world where we can’t present visually our ideas and stories. Imagine being stuck in a world full of black and white. There is no chaos, it’s not balanced, is it? 

I’m just so grateful that I exist today and I have access to everything that life can offer. I’m just so happy to be able to work and have enough money to enjoy the little things. That the problems that exist in this 3rd world country just barely affects me. With all the traffic, pollution and bad politics that’s currently going on. With all the terrors and crimes and other crazy stuff that’s currently happening, I’m still alive. I’m still able to enjoy cheap movie tickets, cheap food, easy access to food, water, electricity and WiFi. I’m still able to buy clothes that I like, even though I definitely can’t splurge. I pay for my own rent and I’m able to book for my own travels. 

I’m just so happy that I’m a person with deep awareness of myself and the people around me, although sometimes I fail. Sometimes I become ignorant and insensitive and resentful. I still manage to reassess who I am and what I wanted to be. 

I’m happy that I have access to books and things that will improve my knowledge, because I believe that the real purpose of life is to gain as much knowledge and experience as much things as possible. Life is about trying out new things. Learning new experiences, through failure or through success. Striving to becoming someone better than who you are yesterday. Aiming for something bigger than what you have ever become. Life is practicing and getting good at your job and dedicating all your efforts, to get that schedule or promotion you’ve always want to get. Life is about crying when you’re hurt or when you hurt someone you love. Life is about taking another chances, about building bridges, about getting bad people out of your life. Life is about building new things, destroying things, and building new things again. Life is about finding what you love the most and doing it again and again until you become really good at it. Love is enjoying your most favorite ice cream in the middle of the night while watching your favorite movie with your loved one. Life is about sharing your best moments of laughter and joy with your friends. Life is about exploring your outer world, sometimes discovering new things by yourself. Life is about being calm when you’re alone.

April 24, 2019 - Wednesday 7:09 AM Mandaluyong City, Philippines

One of the small things but has the best feelings in the world that only us with poor eyesight can relate to is removing your contact lens after a tiring day. It’s like taking off your bra for women or changing from your work clothes to your house clothes, or just entirely being naked at home.

With that being said, I just got home. I’ve been contemplating all night what I’m going to do with my savings. I was thinking I should put up a clothing company or start my photography career. My girlfriend said I should do both. Now, I’m even more excited to quit my day job since I actually want to start both. But it takes too much time. I really try to track down my schedule up to the last minute and I only include one hour free time at most. With six hours of sleep. I don’t think it’s feasible to start a company with so much time being taken away by your day job. It’s not like we’re in a first world country where the public transportation is quick and accessible, the internet is not so strong, people are so lazy here and not too quick to progress. The government is corrupt so all the legal stuff and paperworks takes an eternity to be completed. 

I have to find the silver lining here. My schedule is going to be of that of a real person again. My day off will become weekends again. I think I can do it one at a time. I just sometimes want to rush things. I want to always take the risk. I have to control myself and be a little more patient. 

I should be able to burn more time in these things by then. I’m so glad that this is the only problem I got right now, except of course, my skin problem. 

April 22, 2019 - Monday 7:26 AM Mandaluyong City, Philippines

I have been away for a few days from writing. We went to Pangasinan to have a quick holy week vacation. It was fun but I didn’t have a chance to make a vlog because I was tired all through out the entire weekend. I drove the truck for the family for 9 straight hours and then the rest house we stayed in wasn’t that cold inside. I took a nap most of the time.

I’m trying to figure out what makes me feeling very tired all the time and I want to know if this is related to my psoriasis. 

-

It’s now the 23rd of April and I’ve not had the chance to finish the entry yesterday, because obviously, I was drained.

I need to write down my thoughts today because a very important thing happened last night. An earthquake of magnitude 6.1 hit Luzon, the region where I am currently located.

It was past five in the afternoon and I’m on my deep slumber and even vividly dreaming I was being chased by some people who wants to kill me, then suddenly I’m being awaken by a strong shake. I woke up without even hesitating to sit down and look around. It was the most unrealistic earthquake I’ve ever felt. I felt like the whole building is attached to me as my body felt like it’s swaying left and right from the ground. I can peeked outside the window and saw the other buildings around the area swaying too. I don’t know if it was exaggerated because I’m still half asleep and I thought I was tripping but after 30-40 seconds of continued shaking I realized it’s all real. 

The few moments where you are aware that you have a good chance of dying feels like eternity. It haunted me for the next several hours. I was not able to get back to sleep from the fear of it happening again. I can’t even breathe normally. I try to collect myself and attempt to fall asleep. Two hours later, I felt something weird like in my nose. It was bleeding. I thought I’d blame it to lack or sleep or anxiousness and I felt dizzy for the rest of the day. 

During those moments of terror. All I can think of is how I’d want to see the people that I love the most. My girlfriend, who is at work also panicking about the earthquake. My brother who I tried to wake up but wouldn’t because he just installed his new air conditioning and slept so good. My mom and my little sister, who I know will always think about me. I thought about the things that I haven’t done yet. My goals in life. I want to be able to do them before I die. 

I think experiencing these types of disasters are one of the weirdest but greatest chance for you to realign your thoughts. To think about the things that really matter. To talk to people that matter, and to let go of people that don’t. 

Earlier before I went home, I heard my team mate talking about when his phone was stolen in the locker area and how he found out who the person is through CCTV. He told his friend that he don’t want to reveal the name of the offender since that person is well known in the office. He’s willing to sacrifice his own dignity and personal belongings just to not stain this person’s integrity. If I were the one who lost his phone to a person I knew, I’d definitely tell everyone his identity. I think it’s our duty to put bad people into the spotlight to show everyone that not all good people are losers. It’s our responsibilities to defend the weak and encourage honesty and dignity. 

April 17, 2019 - Wed 7:05 AM Mandaluyong City, Philippines 

Hey, what’s up everyone. Just got home and sitting already in front of my laptop to start writing. At this point, I just want to be able to go through with this. I’m tired. I don’t have enough energy to even sit in front of a screen again after that grueling 9 hours shift staring at pixels on the screen. My eyes just wanted to pass out.

I was debating with my girlfriend earlier if I should quit within the next few months as I’m already telling her that I want to give up my current job in order to have time for my passion. She keeps telling me to have a concrete plan. I have a few savings that can last up to 6 months if I’m frugal. I will have more time for writing and making videos. I will have more energy to do more. I will have more chance of being able to pursue my dreams. I will not be locked in a big air-conditioned space in front of a computer for 9 hours while arguing with stupid customers. I will have more time to become an expert in photography. I will have more time being creative. If that’s not a totally valid point then I don’t know what she means by having a concrete plan.

All I know is that, I want to promise myself that I will be more disciplined as time comes. I will make an effort the same way I make an effort to write here. I think that there are improvements. Which is really good. I want to continue being able to create something everyday. I can definitely say that they are right. Creativity and discipline equals mastery. I love it.

I’m planning to finish the book I never finished after completing this 30 for 30 series. It was about my college experience. It’s going to be fun because even though I didn’t graduate, I actually have more than 5 years of experience in 3 different universities. This book is a fiction but I’ll also include snippets of my stories in my school. It would definitely include the reason I didn’t graduate. I will be proud of that work. Especially since I know I’m more disciplined now than I ever was. 

It’s the day job that kills my enthusiasm about life. It’s having a routine that doesn’t satisfy my passions that kills my energy. I need to make an action plan and pull through. I am ready for this. It’s a win and win situation. If I become successful with my new ventures, then I can say that the secret to life is, as cliche as it sounds, take the risks and never look back. 

April 16, 2019 - Tue 6:47 AM Mandaluyong City, Philippines 

This is my fifteenth entry. 15! I’ve been on fire lately on posting my entries here on Tumblr. I’m so proud at being able to finally become consistent on one thing. I started this series because of the book I started reading last month but I haven’t even touched that book ever since. I still don’t have enough time to do everything at once but I’m hopeful that I could finish that book by the end of the month. 

Today has been one of those lame days at work where nothing really crazy happened. I got home on time and I don’t even want to think about work anymore. The longer I stay there, the more I talk about quitting. 

I heard some people at work in the past since I was training that they were either going to go to another department for better opportunity or quit at this job but until now, I still see the same faces. They never take the risk. I might’ve made my work sound like it’s an everyday nightmare but it actually isn’t. It’s actually a good paying job on average. We have free full course meal through out the day, including desserts and fountain drinks. We have free WiFi all around the building. We have everything. That’s why most people say they want to quit but couldn’t. We are going to a very comfortable job that keeps our bills paid. It’s a routine job though. Everyday you meet the same faces, you deal with the same stupid customers and you have to kiss their asses while you’re at it. Because you are a customer service rep. You can’t tell them the truth if it will hurt their feelings. 

I was trying to distract myself from the fact that I’m still not able to be someone I wanted to be. I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts lately from Joe Rogan. He’s a very talented personality. He brings out the character in people he interviewed in his podcast. He’s a cool character himself. It’s great to know that he also grew up poor. I take inspiration on people who are able to get themselves out from being poor. Being poor is equal to being a loser. I heard that quote from The Wall of Wall Street. There is no nobility in poverty.

April 15, 2019 - Mon 6:39 AM Mandaluyong City, Philippines 

Today I got home with the feeling of overwhelming positivity. I don’t know if Mcdonald’s large sweet black iced coffee is the main key to my crazy positive feelings towards life right now or it’s something else. 

Last night, I was feeling depressed to know that I’m heading to work on a Sunday night where an average person is at home chilling or hanging out with their family and friends. I took a cab instead of my usual walk which makes me even realize that taking the lazy route is not worth it compared to what I feel after walking. I could say that movement really is a great tool to pump your blood and release those happy hormones. Minus the intense sweat and bad odor from scorching heat and pollution of course. 

But this morning it’s different. I feel energized just to see myself walking home to my tiny apartment on the 21st floor of a condominium building in the heart of the city. I open the door and I can see all my investments are put towards what I love doing. I have an office table with two computers that I bought with the money I worked hard for. I see all my cameras lined up messily on the table too. This is my life. I went into my bed room and saw my beautiful girlfriend sleeping comfortably on our queen sized hand me down mattress. She sleeps very peacefully. I love seeing her weird body positions whenever she’s sleeping. You won’t even imagine how funny it is whenever I get home and she’s in the middle of the bed on a weird bent position like a contortionist. What’s even funnier is that I can even resist kissing her whole body while sleeping. She’s on the curvy side and I love every curves of her body. I love her scent too. 

Anyway, today I tell myself that I’m going to be more strict about my schedule and that’s why the first thing I do when I get home is to write here. It’s amazing that I’ve been consistent for the past couple of days now. I guess there is improvement. Also, the fact that I’m now legitimately a writer means I’m already winning in life. No need to be sad and complaining all the time. 

The only thing I have to do now is to keep doing this until someday, hopefully, I can earn money off of writing. Which of course, something I should learn about along the way. 

Last couple if weeks I’ve been thinking about putting my own coffee shop. But I guess I can’t do that now because of lack of financial sponsorship. Basically, with a little amount of savings that can only last for 3 months, I’m still broke. I always think of big things when it comes to business. I think that when you want to start a really good business, you have to be all in and you have to make sure that your business looks presentable. With that in mind, my money can’t align to what I really want for a coffee shop. What I want is just too damn expensive. 

So I’m thinking, what’s the best way to spend my P100,000 savings? I still don’t have an answer. I don’t want to just put up some random food cart franchise that I didn’t really like. I don’t want to start my clothing company until I at least have a decent amount of fan base. I do want to spend this money on traveling and experience with people. But this time, I’m telling myself that I have to record it. I have to make good memories and share it to the world. My experiences. My thoughts. My struggles. I have to just put it out there. Not overthinking if someone will like it or someone would judge it. The hell, it’s my life. No one else should be able to tell me what to do or what not to do, except myself. I would trust my intuition a hundred times over someone who has something to say but was never really on the same position as me. 

April 14, 2019 - Sun 6:58 AM Mandaluyong City, Philippines Today is another Sunday where I wish I could spend more time with being myself and my friends. But I had to do my daily routine and go to work tonight. Which sucks because it’s everyone else’s day off. I’m so sad that I’m still not getting my weekend off for more than two months now. I hate this job. 

On the other hand, I’m so stoked to finish my new vlog. This one is just a short trip to a coffee shop with my girlfriend and my cousin. I enjoy being with 2-3 people whenever I’m out, rather than being with a huge crowd. We went to Filling Station cafe, a big 50s diner-themed restaurant that’s open 24/7. It’s overrated because of fancy interiors where you can shoot nice photos but the food sucks and the coffee is decent. If you guys are planning to try it out, just go there for the coffee or desserts. Don’t order that 6pcs chicken wings worth almost P500. It’s not worth it. 

Then we walked through the pubs and clubs near the red light district of Manila. There were foreigners everywhere. Especially old white men who flirts with every trans/shemale we saw. The red light district is gross. The other side is Poblacion where many young and young at hearts gather. They drink expensive shitty drinks and flex on their (fake) status and overwhelming (fake) confidence. I like how people waste time and money on things they don’t really need. I’ve been there, it’s fun but it’s temporary. When you get home trying to take all your clothes off while stumbling to your bed because you are too drunk to even wash your face, you lay down and stare at the ceiling while you don’t know if the bed is spinning or the world around you. The spin is slowly picking up to the point that your hear races and your mind can’t even function but you think about your ex, or what you did wrong, or what you could’ve done but afraid to do. You look at the ceiling as it spins and spins and you close your eyes and reached the oblivion. You are at peace for now. 

Ah, heaven. 

And then you wake up, you want to grab a cold glass of water because you feel like there’s something stuck in your throat. You don’t want to taste your own saliva because it still taste like the memories of last night. Your mouth dry. It’s bitter. You try to tilt your body towards the side to grab your phone and you can see 15 notifications from three different people. You told your ex that you still want him or her. You told your mom that you love her. You called your boyfriend/girlfriend but they didn’t answer, so now they are trying to call you back. The moment you wake up, you felt like everything is falling apart. Your head swerves left and right as if a ton of brick was put inside the back of your head. Anytime now you’re going to puke. You fucked up again. You laughed a little telling yourself for another time that you will never drink again. You are able to finally reach the bathroom and looked at the mirror just to see your dried up face and messy hair. You wash your face and brushed your teeth and the only thing that came out of your mouth is, “I’m hungry.”

You’re hungry for food. You’re also hungry for affection. For attention. For love. You shouldn’t be treating yourself like shit. You should give yourself some time to rest. You should be responsible for your own actions. Even when you were drunk. You should be aware that every single thing, I mean everything you do, is all up to you. Your life may be a mess now, but if you keep changing a piece of yourself, your habit, your lifestyle, your diet, your emotions, you can be someone you always wanted to be. At least that’s what some people who “made” it told us. 

April 13, 2019 - Sat 6:39 AM Mandaluyong City, Philippines

I am nearing the point where I want to quit my job in order to go full time on YouTube but also scared that I don’t have any talent on this new venture. I’ve been making videos since 2017 but I still can’t find my own style. I’ve been trying to copy different styles from my favorite YouTubers but the current one seems to fit the best. I just want to be able to have more time to do it every single day. I think for YouTube, quantity of videos almost always translate to good quality. Imagine being able to master your own craft every single day. It’s going to get you to where you want to be. 

I still doubt myself if YouTube is where my heart really is. It’s a tough game. But I feel completely satisfied whenever I finish my product. At my current day job, I don’t feel I get rewarded enough for what I do. I feel like a slave. Not that I’m saying I’m entitled for something more, but if you’re an employee on any company here, you’ll definitely get what I’m saying.  But I’d rather choose to have my own schedule and work on my own pace than having other people disturb me all the time for their demands and needs. 

Being a writer is also one other thing I’ve been wanting to be. I am so fascinated that a book can motivate and transcend knowledge and inspiration to millions of people. I want to be able to write a book someday. I want to say I am willing to sacrifice all my vices and other things just to be able to write. But the reality is, life can be realistic sometimes. What I meant to say is that, sometimes, instead of grinding for what I wanted to be, I waste my time sitting in my room playing video games or slacking off or doing other shitty things. I wish I am more discipline like some people I see. They have laser focus on what they wanted to be. But the good thing about writing is that, it makes you self aware of your weaknesses. Like today, after a long day of playing 2K and watching random YouTube videos, I decided to pour my thoughts and reflect about my current state. 

I still feel stuck. I still feel like I’m the same person for the past 3 years. And then I’m back in the Philippines. My dream of being in the US has been off the picture and will not be my priority for the most part of my life moving forward. I am building myself again one step at a time. I’m 8 months back in the Philippines and so far, I’ve only been able to make a little difference. The hunger keeps growing and growing until sometimes I can’t contain it anymore. 

Should I give myself a certain timeline before I quit? Or should I wait and go with the flow? Who knows. I’m just going to dedicate today’s entry for whenever I quit my current job. I hope I find my happiness and contentment soon. 

I want to end this on a positive note. The other day I was watching a movie or a video, I don’t even remember now at all. But it was about depression or something. The video is very motivational, as it shows how beautiful life can be. Just by starting with speaking about positivity, your day could turn from hell into something bearable. When you live everyday as if it’s the first day of your life, you will see life differently. There are so many things you can do in this world and being resentful or hatred, or loneliness, or killing yourself is not worth it. 

April 12, 2019 - Fri 12:35 AM Mandaluyong City, Philippines

Ah, I totally forgot to make an entry again. Poor me. Can’t even make a habit. 

In other news, Mcdonald’s Iced Coffee just got revamped and now they have large size and sweet black! My psoriasis is definitely not ready for that. 

Let’s talk about my psoriasis so far. I got diagnosed last 2017 but the problem started way earlier than that. I noticed a small dry skin under my nose since 2012 and I was never really bothered by it. I even thought it was just allergy but no matter which food I omit, it never came off. So I told myself, meh, it’s just something I can live with. Fast forward now, I have at least 25% of my body covered with dry skin plaques that sheds every two days and then my skin becomes red and painful again. 

Almost all food available to me is a big no. Like beer, sweets, bread, pasta, and spicy food. Life just got more boring. Not only that, I cannot be stressed anymore. How do you even gauge stress? I’m 26 years old and the only thing that makes me happy is stress. I love doing something. I love moving. That’s one good thing though. Exercise helps a lot in the process of healing. Sunlight too. Morning sunlight. But too much sunlight is bad. I don’t know, my disease is so confusing. 

I went to the doctor and they told me that this is a lifetime incurable disease. Well, fuck me. The medications are expensive. The lifestyle is expensive. I’m basically Deadpool but without the superhuman strength. Bless my wallet and my savings. 

One main stigma about psoriasis is the way it looks. It looks entirely gross. It looks like it can be transmitted. BUT IT’S NOT. Good god. Don’t worry kids, don’t judge the book by its cover. 

One other thing about this disease is that, it takes a toll on your mental health. Your confidence is deteriorating. Your body image is fucked up. Ah, and have I mentioned that it also fucks with your brain chemicals that makes you feel depressed? Nice. Also, prednisone, one of the meds that actually cures the skin inflammation, has a side effect. And guess what, it’s depression. Good luck. 

The best treatments I’ve found so far are listed below: 

- Take a shower regularly. Your skin doesn’t want you not taking a bath as it dries way faster and it will hurt the next day. 

- Eat healthy. I’m guilty here. I love sweets and beer. And no matter how bad it is, I still love drinking and desserts. 

- Have a great support system. Most people look at you as if you are carrier something you can pass on. Educate them. Once they understood what you’re going through, they would definitely support you. Shout out to my girlfriend who never stops loving me no matter what I look like during my bad days. 

- Just accept it and be a badass. Since there’s no way out of this problem, you got to accept it and fight it as much as you can. You are a human being and you are blessed with so many opportunities to fight the problem. You can do it. 

April 10, 2019 - Wed 7:43 AM Mandaluyong City, Philippines

I want to start this entry by telling you a story I find very embarrassing and funny. So I was walking inside our office production floor as I went to the bathroom to pee. I washed my hands and headed back to my area. As I walk back to my desktop, I saw my friend talking to someone that looks like my other friend whose back is facing me. As I approached them, I tapped the shoulder of that guy who’s not facing me. I tapped him hard enough that his body moved a little bit, as he jumped to his surprise and faced me slowly with a shook face. I literally saw him slowly facing me and I realized that he’s not the guy I was thinking he was. He’s our manager’s boss. He’s like one of the top biggest names inside the production floor. I quickly changed my tone and smiled back at him saying, “Hey, boss. How are you doing today?” and quickly walked past the two. In the back of my mind I was thinking, good god, I was being so friendly today. 

Lesson learned, never be as friendly as I was because you might not know what surprise you are going to get into. 

The next few hours, I saw the same guy again near the elevator lobby and he smiled at me saying, “Hey, your shirt looks nice.” 

I think I made a new friend. It’s a good thing because he’s the one who approves our vacation leave. 

-- 

Anyway, today is a pretty solid day. I finished work on time and I got home with the enthusiasm to run. So I ran. It was my first time since four months ago to run again by myself. Which is always a good thing. I circled around four blocks near Kapitolyo which is a new sight for my eyes and discovered local restaurants and retails. I will definitely do this more often. Running is definitely one hell of a drug. A stress reliever. The kind of drug that makes you high and also simply makes you a better person.