Dane

My name is Dane Dolores, I'm 21 years old.

I'm picking up writing again, and I figured since I'm going through a transitionary period in my life it's best to keep a journal of sorts to document my life at this time.

Historically when I'm writing entries, I always keep the first entry short because I really suck at introductions. That's probably a lament to how I am in social environments as well, I can never get past the awkward phase of saying "hi." So I just try to talk to people like I've known them for years.

I'll try to sprinkle in images or songs that I'm listening to as well.

Okay, that's all for now. See you later diary.

Currently at my mothers chemo as I’m typing right now. This is the last treatment for a while so I’m relieved. I always feel mentally shot being in the room with my mom though. I don’t talk much and even if I do its very brief responses in a quiet but soothing tone

The two parties went well. Summerween was a little loaded as I met Bro along the way while we were sitting around waiting for the party to start. He wasn’t feeling too good mentally, so I had to tell him he should stay home for this one. I didn’t want him to be triggered or set off by something in his mental state, or willingly let him abuse substances to “escape” rather than to have fun.

At the party I met a lady who judged me by my astrology sign (I’m a Leo) and it bummed me out a little. I didn’t take it too personally, we don’t know each other. She was more interested in talking to my friend as they were from the same area as well. Later I met Joy, Stallion and a homie and we flicked up and danced. We later dipped off to go to the club in the city, where Joy ended up joining me surprisingly. I thought she was going to go to the other club where we first met, so that was nice. I paid for her and her friends entry at the door and went along my way.

I also picked up Tiger and Luna to dance along with too. I ended up shaking ass on Tiger for the night and dancing with Joy towards the end as well.

I also met another lady I met off Tinder, but we reconnected through TikTok I believe. It was her first time going out and being in the party/club space, and shes 24. I don’t have a name for her yet as I have to see her more, but we exchanged pleasantries. She said I was handsome which made my night! :)

The club also was very good. People just dancing, living in the moment. No weirdos, just vibes. The only weird people actually was Security who ended up following the girl who called me handsome outside for some reason. I don’t know whats up with people like that, but it’s whatever. Her mom ended up picking her up because she wanted to save money.

The day after, I ended up going to the birthday rave. This night was insane because I met a lot of people from my past:

I came in with Angel and her boyfriend, which btw. Really great fucking guy, love him to death. I think Angel surprisingly has transitioned into being a really good friend.

I saw an old coworker (31, with a kid) who I flirted with briefly in January. We shared our first kiss and I asked about coming back to my old job. TBD on that.

I ran into Beau as they arrived from work with two of their friends and ended up confronting them about how I was upset about the way that they chose to end the relationship. They didn’t seem apologetic at all, just moreso “yeah I know what I did was bad.” They told me that from my messages that I seemed I was over with the relationship, but that wasn’t true at all. I think they still have some feelings for me, but I think I’m done with them. It felt good getting that off my chest, because throughout these entries, it really was the social capital, time investment, how we spent 3 months dating, all for a breakup text? No thanks. I even pointed out the lack of interaction on social media despite us following each other on everything, they knew that was shitty too.

I ended up dry crying and breaking down for a bit on the steps and at the bar, that was an emotionally charged conversation and it fucked me up a little.

I bumped into someone I haven’t seen in 2 years with her friends. We took a picture, and someone I met at a Bladee concert that I believe was on a solo trip. Very fun :) and the bartender who hosted the open deck dj night earlier this July too.

Obviously I saw Indy again and got a better introduction of who she was as a person. She’s a rave girl for sure, and she came in with two great friends who practiced amazing rave etiquette. Waving fans in the crowd, trading Kandi, and brief water breaks to keep the energy up. We danced pretty close together and shared a nice moment. I invited them to my birthday party in August. Really great people.

Most importantly however, I ended up bumping into Dream’s friends. They saw me and I saw them, and we just.. didn’t say anything. They looked pretty guilty and shy. One of her friends, a man with a beard, actually knew someone from my friend circle. The beard guy ended up doing some weird shit in middle school which made me think about how that whole friend group is weird. Because if 1-2 people in your group are weird, that kinda says a lot about the whole group.

Overall it was fun seeing that many people from my life though. It was different eras, different vibes, I felt like it was a huge test of who I was. Sometimes I think about if it was a retrograde, or divine timing, or maybe a message that God was trying to tell me something. Conspiracies aside, it was eventful, fun, and I learned a lot about the people I liked and cared about.. definitely learned to stay away from weird people, and I learned about myself too.

In therapy, I covered the Beau interaction as that was my strongest reaction, and we both came to the conclusion that they just couldn’t communicate.

currently listening to a banger trance mix i got from this guy off of soundcloud, he makes dipset remixes of songs and i really hit it off with him. really good guy, love sharing the world of music with people and growing really.

i have 3 parties this weekend, 2 on friday. one on saturday. the first one is a summer-ween costume event where i'm gonna dress as a cowboy with my friend, we're gonna play it off like brokeback mountian or some shit, then undress a little to be open for a club function an hour away in the city. supreme vibes loading for that one.

saturday i have a birthday rave that indy hit me up on last minute. i figured, fuck it why not? lets do it! i also invited angel and her boyfriend to tag along as i'd feel more comfortable being around people i know this time so if i have to pivot off of social groups i can. i think i might spend the night at her place after the friday function… not sure

next week is another party on friday that joy is hosting, im super excited to go to that. joy is slowly etching in my mind as someone to lowkey network with in this whole like.. party space. shes cool, and given that we both share the same social circles and spaces, it's best to just keep it friendly.

indy on the other hand might be cool to talk to, i want to use saturday to also get to know her a little better on breaks, well see what's up with that. im just excited that im going out a lot and for once, finally just reclaiming my energy. it also helps that i made up with that friend that called me irresponsible. not a huge fan of the old "water under the bridge" method but, if we're in a good spot, we're in a good spot, and im not gonna worry about that.

this mix is so good, i've honestly considered going to one of these events sober just to dance. i don't need substances to have a good time at all. i love music, music is all i come for. i love life right now.

P.S. i just need to build my mentality around not finding someone cool and instantly keeping them, actions will show everything

recently i think the departure of people that mattered close to me: bro, beau, dream, princess to a degree, has exposed a emotional wound that gets louder as my college experience comes to a close: i want to matter

and it's not so easy to have a group of people that i care about on the daily. a lot of the people that i talk to, i really.. really give a fuck about them. i don't care if im putting my eggs in a basket or if i should be more open because im young. we are living and making memories in real-time, how can you not matter to me?

and adjacent to that as well, im learning so much from people my age or older every. fucking. day. it's honestly one of the reasons why i haven't seriously considered killing myself, but those thoughts linger too.

i'm not used to the volatility of friendships passing by at this rate. it scares me, it rewires my brain to trust and put investment into people so fast. which isn't inherently bad, im moving intentionally with a purpose of having a meaningful relationship, but i am different from you, and different from joy, stallion, beau, bro, etc.

some people can be living in their 20s as a party hard lifestyle, then later think about permanence and sticking with people who matter later. it's just life, and since im also djing and involving myself in these circles it's hard to not conclude that people don't take things too seriously right now, and here im trying to stabilize a very structured, consistent lifestyle that i used to have with my new endeavor of the local party culture.

it's fucking hard man haha, i struggle with it so much. it's really a thankless job being respectful and kind at all times, trying to keep the peace. i've grown to accept that people my age do really stupid weird shit so they don't understand the things that they say or do, or are afraid of confrontation. whole time, we never really grow as people unless we get uncomfortable!

that's also why going out has been such a fun experience for me. right now im not really using it as an escape or to fill a void, but more as a tool to learn more about my city, about myself, about people. which is better than investing a lot of money to travel, money that i dont have (yet). but i'll be saving later this fall.

i put a lot of pressure on myself to matter too, looking back at the time where i drove joy and stallion while they were recovering. that moment mattered to me because they saw me. they saw the real me when shit hits the fan, how i try to put in my best effort to make sure people are okay. i don't expect them to understand the significance of that night, joy told me its usually what happens after a night out, and with stallion.. probably the same thing. but for me, especially being called "irresponsible" for doing the same damn thing at the end of a party i help threw.. haha yeah idk. it's just a lot

i don't expect people to get what i get, but i want people to know how much what im doing means to me and them. it felt good being recognized, when so far this year i haven't felt that way as much as i wanted to.

i love the people in my life and i would prefer if they stay for a really long time too, but no promises.

therapy around 1pm today.

(for reference, this is the same day, 7/3 into 7/4)

continuing on from my last entry that was in my drafts on the same day, that night was a character-defining moment for me.

the girl that is the "someone that's friends with beau" whom i talked about in the last entry, we'll call her joy. joy and i met through a university club that hosts parties locally around my campus, but imho we really met on TikTok then later met up at the queer club. it was a last minute thing for me as she posted if she was meeting anybody at the club tonight on her ig story, and since she'll be hosting events with this uni club later in the fall i figured i'd try to meet her to see what she's like. she actually is hosting one in the middle of july too, i'll write about that as well.

we've built up a good rapport over text and i wanted to make the irl connection happen sooner than later.

this queer club had a promoter host here from 9-2am, and it was a 3 story club consisting of dance floors for the first and second, and a rooftop that was very hot to be at but people use it to smoke there

to start this recap off, i came early to try the happy hour drink specials, they had a $12 pina colada, which really was $16, so fuck that. tasted really good though. i didn't eat anything prior to this event because my intentions were to get drunk with the least amount of money spent on drinks, and i also didn't pregame because i'm also arriving alone. so worse case scenario if shit goes left, i need to be aware of my surroundings

joy didn't come until later in the evening, around 11ish or so, so i mostly spent that time orbiting around a friend group where i knew one guy i met from the open decks from the queer bar in my previous entry. i also recognized a homie from my uni so that was cool too

early on this club had live performances from local artists in my city, i recognized one i knew from 2 years ago as i went to their free concert back then, it was super nice.

after that, i explored the second and third floor. the first floor wasn't really playing great music until later in the night, the second had some pretty slow tracks (like 128-135 bpm wise) and mainly had bouncy stuff kaytranada related if you know them. i got a free vodka seltzer to finish from one of the people in the friend group which was awesome (pretty much free drink!) and i had free hits of a joint when we all transitioned to the third floor to just decompress for a little

as we were going back down, joy and i met and we hugged. i didn't mention this before but i figured it'd be a nice gesture to buy her a drink for the first time meeting her.

WHICH, small tangent by the way. but if you're meeting a lady please buy her a drink, just out of courtesy.

anyways, joy was accompanied by her friend stallion who also shared the drink i bought them ended up being a really cool person as well

the music was ramping up a lot, nice jersey club selections.. actual fast shit playing. i loved it. at this time too the friend group i was orbiting decided to leave early as the music wasn't up to their taste. completely fair.

i ended up trailing along with joy and stallion to the second floor. i offered to buy joy a round of shots for us as i told her this was my last drink fr so i can just chill for the rest of the night. however maybe this might've been a bad idea for her because after that shot she was completely gone. i noticed she was feeling very loopy and i began just giving her small cups of water to hydrate for a little.

this also came at a funny time where EVERYBODY that I've seen or talked to either on grindr, tinder, bumble, whatever was AT THIS CLUB specifically on this day. friends of people i went on dates on years ago, or people i briefly talked to on dating apps, etc.. it was a mess. one in particular was a lady i actually matched with literally 3-4 weeks ago but didn't talk to that much, joy ended up talking to her and i honestly just confronted her then and there and she quickly brushed it off but i really didn't think it was that big of a deal to use dating apps. i also had a drunk buzz going so i was just chilling out, i brushed off that convo with that lady as my focus was on joy.

i had her lean on this table with a barstool and frequently administered her cups of water, then we transitioned into the third floor at the roof top to find stallion. it didn't help that it was a little toasty but she had a mobile fan at this point in time that i put to good use. she ended up mingling with other women and taking pictures with them which in this case i didn't mind too much as i thought she just needed to wear off the nausea from the shot (for reference this was tequila). and we later went back down to the first floor for air conditioning and to find stallion.

walking down the stairs was a little rough, i think from the vertical descent and constant heat it contributed to her nausea even more and she began to feel very loopy. she hasn't ate anything either too so my thoughts instantly traced to thinking how much alcohol she consumed for the pregame. i feel bad because maybe it would be better to have a sober conversation otherwise but i'll save that for another day honestly.

prior to all of this, earlier in the night i ended up chatting with a bartender who was super cool. i honestly considered working at the club as overall my experience despite this has been pretty good, and i see myself visiting this club a little frequently in the future. glaze aside, i asked if he had a chair where i could sit joy in, and he escorted us outside to the small lobby outside the first floor where stallion also met us. another girl, well call her indy, who was also cool with joy ended up assessing the situation as well.

there was a security guard who tried to butt in that joy and stallion knew and was telling me "i got it bro," which respectfully i fuck with security guards, but i really didn't trust him. and just due to the nature that security guards pretty much have a transactional relationship with women in clubs in regards to free entry, access to events, etc. i just didn't think he would be the best person to take care of joy and stallion who was also super drunk at this time, and was DD. indy got a little aggressive towards me because she didn't know me and i didn't know her which was fair. why would u trust a random guy right?

anyways, we usher joy and stallion outside where they collectively ask for their ids and joys belongings, including her phone which was gone at this time. i thought i had grabbed it when we took the tequila shots on the second floor, but i ended up grabbing stallion's phone, and i offered to carry joy's in my pocket when we met at the first floor, but she declined at the time trusting to carry it. she had no pockets btw.

so indy offers to go look, and i end up joining her. we reenter the club and she ends up getting distracted and starting to dance with me very intimately. i returned the favor because, well i did find her a little attractive and she was cool. she later revealed that she's overwhelmed and also took acid which would later be shown as she had a pretty hard mood shift when she started to get really close with me, i was worried she was having a bad trip, and honestly i felt like i was wasting time not prioritizing joy and stallion's safety, so i told her im gonna text her on Instagram to update her as i'm going to take care of them and get them home. a little reassurance that everything was okay and she agreed and we hugged. i departed and went to look for joy and stallion.

in the street i ended up catching them laying on a wall together in an alley way. stallion was the DD but i ended up taking her keys at this time so she wouldn't do any funny stuff, then proceeded to make a plan where we'd find stallion's car, then i'll drive them to their place, order them food, then get an uber back home. this plan evolved into driving myself back to my place, ordering them food, then letting them recoup before stallion drives back home.

for the first part, we pretty much spent almost 2 hours getting lost and walking randomly throughout the city, i honestly thought about giving up and just buying separate ubers because i felt defeated. im in this situation where these are two drunk ladies randomly roaming throughout the city with no sense of direction, and me (decently sober at this point) also have no sense as i don't have anything to go off on.

the reason why i named stallion stallion too is because they are quite an initiator. they were wandering off a lot trying to sober up and find their car while joy was pretty much leaning on me for support as we walked. even asking to give her a piggyback ride, lmfao

i was trying to fight back crying because it was a lot of stress, and this situation seemed like a nightmare. i'm a random ass guy taking care of these two women. it's not that it's bad though, i'm just extending the kindness forward. and also per my last entries, i literally wasn't taken cared of at all when i hosted that party with my friend on campus and ended up throwing up from drinking too much. that was a traumatic experience that i don't ever want someone that's struggling or NEEDS help to go through it alone. so in this situation i wanted to help. not that i needed to.

there was a brief moment where stallion ended up wandering off in a different direction while joy sat on the sidewalk on a random street, i ended up following stallion pleading her to come back or at least all of us go together, and im trying my hardest not to use any type of force or hard persuasion as talking to someone who's drunk and is refusing service or stuff because their mind is fighting to stay sober but also think very irrational is a slippery slope. what got her to stop is i told her she was going the wrong way, and we should go back. which thank GOD.

we regrouped and ended up walking to the location where she took a selfie as that was where the car was potentially parked at. we walked and ended up finding the car. stallion was scared because she was afraid it got towed due to maybe illegal parking. but we did it.

we got in that motherfucker and they both passed out for a solid 10 minutes, i woke up stallion so she didn't fully fall asleep and checked in if she was good to drive. at this point i volunteered as i had my license and also practiced earlier with my grandfather that day before going.

before this stallion drove back to transmission to see if we could grab joy's belongings but since it was closed they pushed it for tomorrow. they called the security guy who told me he "got it" and asked about their belongings, he asked if they were still in the city and "what y'all on," which.. fucking yuck, read the situation better.. but again, like i said.. transactional relationship. stallion brushed that guy off so fast and said bye.

this was the BIG test for me. for the most part i practiced driving with my grandmother or someone in the car with me. here i am tasked pretty much to drive to my place, which wasn't too far.. like 16-20 mins away, and also do it in the dark. stallion had her reservations as the logistics of the car + emotional significance made it really hard to trust me, but she eventually gave in and crashed in the backseat of the car while joy was in the passenger seat blasting music

the ride home was for me a significant moment in my life so far. doing this wasn't a heroic act of any means. i don't care for the glitz and glamour to be labeled a hero. but it was a true testament to my character and morals as a human. any guy in my shoes would've just passed it off and went home. but i think for me i just know what it feels like to be discarded, to make mistakes, to fuck up. and for this one moment, i felt compelled to help. yes it gives a fantastic first impression because i had a big responsibility that i took on, but also for me its a becoming moment as a human, and.. really dane.

i wish i could put it into more descriptive words, but it just felt good helping these two get home safe. i drove to my place and gave them the food i ordered for them (it was like mcdonalds.. something chill and two drinks) then notified my grandmother about my friends sitting outside and if worse case scenario they can chill on our couches before stepping back out.

obviously im a huge stranger still to them for the most part, and stallion has something to do in the morning + joy had work but she called off.. so they just rested for a moment after and then went on their way

closing this entry. its currently 7/5 so a day ish after. i talked to joy and recapped the whole night, and then indy who sent me a voice message saying i was an angel. i felt compelled to maybe ask if i could get to know her better and establish some relationship but i think meeting her at another function would be better to do that.. sober as well..

currently im south of the city at my aunts house typing this while i recover from getting drunk off wine and a little shooter of jose cuevo that tasted like juice.. it's white peach shooters if you're interested in them. really good. but yeah, i'm gonna finish this, head back home, get ready for therapy on Monday, retell the story to my therapist and schedule the dj club stuff for Tuesday. as a human im really happy with myself. i'm not gonna get over this story for a decent amount of time. maybe in the fall i'll probably think its old but man.. i did a really good thing. that was fucking awesome.

attached is a picture of the live performance on the first floor before the djs started kicking in, this was around 10pm

open deck night went well, i got a lot of compliments on my set. bought a couple drinks but they were pretty expensive, for reference: a modelo beer was $11, vodka redbull $16. the vodka redbull was chill but i found the beer to be a little ridiculous given that shots were $5, i didn't learn that until the bar closed

also someone took a shit in the middle of the dance floor, place started to smell like eggs. yuck, i could feel as if my dj skills were improving heavily though. i keep getting a recurring compliment of no mistakes, that's awesome. and since restarting my usb i've been able to curate good playlists for myself, so for that im happy

vibes were great until a homeless person who did ballet came in and gave some guy i was growing to be friends with adeath threat, had to leave there. No thanks

tonight i'm going to a queer club as a last-minute plan. there i'll be seeing someone that's friends with beau. did i find that out initially talking to them? kinda-sorta-not-really. i’ll think of a name later because i’m not so sure of who they are as a personality.

so far they seem very interesting, im curious to just have a talk with them. if anything ill offer to buy them a drink. i’m not really pleased about the beau reference but again, i think just getting into the queer scene here everyone knows each other, so im just curious to see how that is

There's a DJ open deck open tomorrow at a queer bar in my local city and I'm very interested in putting my hand in the towel and just performing.

i just wiped my usb stick clean to just redo my library and organization, i pray i dont have to buy a new usb at the moment but i will have a backup soon just in case, i'm trying not to be a poser but due to the influence of my friends around me and exposure i've been heavily invested in vogue/ballroom culture

i never mentioned this but 2 years ago i met someone that's actively in ballroom and is in their respective haus, and it exposed me to this amazing world of art and culture that i honestly think is super fucking cool. also to mention after that i just naturally met people that also have some ties into that culture or are related to it in some way, maybe its me being queer or the actual queer community in my area is really small so everyone kinda knows each other, idk. i figured maybe i could play some ballroom tracks but idk if people would fuck with that, but i don't want to play it as a "moment," i really respect the culture and honestly want to learn more, maybe ill ask if i can go to a show just to watch

outside of that, my mentals been good. i'm taking beau's situation as face value and just living my own life and discovering myself in the process. i hate this weird buffer period of your 20s,it feels so volatile. i wish i could keep everyone i meet, but it's okay to let a few chapters end. i don't talk to that person from ballroom anymore, nothing personal. just felt we were different people (they were looking for a relationship, yes we hooked up). deep down i feel like im chasing something thats not even there, maybe it's identity? i don't really fit anywhere for being queer, im more like just a reserved.. guy if that makes sense, maybe it'll all change soon. i'm excited to learn more about who i am, djing has been a solid pillar in my life and a great anchor for standing the storm that is well.. my mom's cancer, beau, depression intertwined in just transitioning in and out of relationships, its a little complex. i write about it a lot, but it's in hope of trying to find myself.

Being at Angel's apartment with her boyfriend made me realize something kind of important: I don't think a lot of people around my age are used to confrontation or uncomfortable situations. This isn't to deflect anything though, me being there is very fried. However I don't think a lot of people are able to work through difficult or weird situations and have humility. I say that in part because of me being blasted out of my ass the other day and being locked outside of my "friends" dorm while having someone I just met that day take care of me. Crazy vibes

Love Island USA is now getting boring to watch for me, I might tune out this season and the next couple of episodes until the finale. Everybody there is just not good to watch television wise. I'm not a big fan of the freak contests anymore. I'm watching this one because Megan Thee Stallion is in tonights episode (sorry for spoilers).

I'm wondering how Bro will react to my reaction of checking up on him. I don't know if it was over-the-top of me to like act in that manner, but I just figured I'd give a check since he was a little off. We'll see.

This July I'm going to make plans to hang out with some friends, I get paid earlier that month I believe so I'll just figure out an ideal plan or something.

So much has lapsed in the past couple weeks with me personally. I have a friend named Bro who is currently missing and I had to file a wellness check. He’s been going through a lot, I don’t want him to be dead.

I saw a tiktok of a DJ that recorded me and Beau dancing together. That stings, reposted it though. I dont give a fuck

I create these problems myself. My mom has cancer and I’ve been handling it pretty bad. Last night I got too drunk and ended up throwing up. I was DJing at a friends crib and since it was towards the end I didnt think it was a big deal that I was wasted. But im being called irresponsible. Thanks

My relationships are very volatile at the moment and I’m hurting myself to feel something. Being in your early 20s and dealing with immature fucks doesn’t help either.

Im going to a party im djing for tonight

Hung out with some friends

Im pushing but its hard to remain present

I just feel like a blob

I'm making this off-the-cusp diary entry while I wait for my ride home. I had a DJ club. I brought my DJ equipment. I think I did pretty well.

I think to harder capitalize on next week is to really just bring in a complete library of songs I like to listen to. It's really hard for me at this time because I like a lot of songs, but I need to like organize it in a way that I know it's gonna be bangers for sure. I haven't eaten all day today. I think that's literally just my eating disorder kicking in. Usually I like forget and I try and push it to later, and I think it just gets to a point where like I'm just exhausted and like I guess I process stuff differently and it's really bad to like run on like no fumes, which I'm really kind of pissed over. It's one of the biggest hurdles when it comes to like gaining weight. I just don't know why I don't like eat. I think it's because I grew up poor that we didn't have any food, so I have that like mentality of like not really eating anything. I bought a Sprite to just like quench my thirst because there's some pizza and stuff on the way home.

I see Beau's activity on Instagram from time to time. We haven't really been speaking. It's kind of like a weird, standoffish-like, thing that's just happened. And honestly, I'm gonna let it be because I felt like I was disrespected, and I don't think Beau is... I don't know, I don't think Beau has the capacity to hold a conversation in person about us. And I'm personally still upset over it, but I try to distract myself by just doing things in real life, and that's been grounding me. I still get so... I just feel down because I feel like I've complicated so many, like, friendships, and it's just a mess. And it's not because of sex, it's just, like, I don't know, I think I have a wrong way of going about things. Maybe I’m too hard on myself

It’s hard to feel like I belong anywhere too. I have this poisonous thought of feeling lesser to the communities I contribute too. Like DJ club for example. I feel like I’m not grooving hard with any of the DJs so far. Maybe I’m coming off pretty shy, I consider it such a huge identity of me now that I want to get better.

Maybe this week I’m just hard on myself in general. Sometimes I feel like I’m distracting myself from the pains I carry. I try not to mention this in a huge post but I found out a while ago that my mom currently has stage 1 breast cancer. It’s been eating at me a little bit where I just feel like I need to shut down. This running on fumes bit is real, and at times, I’m not afraid of dying.

But what does dying even do these days? I don’t see much of a motivation to go, it’s harder to do that than live. And frankly, I love living right now. It’s just hard to see the greener side these days.

My driver is currently talking to AI to make a fucking video of some crashed car bruh lol. Some world.

I feel like a failure. I’m trying, but it’s not my best. I will do better. Im trying to lean on my social support system but it’s hard to not think that everyone hates me or feel like an inconvenience. It’s my irrational thoughts, that’s all. I’m okay.

This week is going to be pretty busy. Today I am starting to do some summer projects for my campus job, and honestly that's gonna be my biggest excuse of having a summer job over the break until I can actually get like something decent. This one is pretty nice. Just chill, I think I have two to three pieces of content that I’ll be working on for the summer.

Tomorrow, I scheduled to hang out with a friend that I made from my DJ club, and I was gonna come over to his place and just play some restoration games before the new episode of Love Island USA comes on. Wednesday, I have the Burning Crusade Anniversary raid to kind of go to.

I'll be honest, I'm not the biggest fan of like, WoW at the moment because I kind of want to just get out the house and do stuff. And Thursday is kind of a slow day. I think I'll treat that as a rest day while I finish some job projects and kind of get ahead on that.

Friday is gonna be a pretty big date day. I'm going out with Dora in the city to check out the museum, check out some spots, eat some food, kind of treat it as like a full day. And I think I have my week wrapped up pretty nicely. In lieu of the aftermath of Beau just being frustrating, I feel like I have my head on some pretty comfortable stuff to do throughout the week. Not really a distraction, but just to kind of ground myself.

So instead of having the conversation we planned around 5:30 to have closure about our relationship, they sent me a voice message through iMessage asking to reschedule for Monday or Tuesday. Their reasoning was that it had been hot outside and they havebeen working a long shift as a server, and they just wanted to go home and sleep.

I'm going to be honest, I'm not doing that. I passed on the rescheduled conversation. I wished them well, told them to focus on themselves, thanked them for their time and to not burn out, and left it at that.

I also told them that the situation hurt, and it's hard not to feel hurt when there is such a sharp change in direction, especially after spending so much time getting to know someone, but we're still cool.

Seeing their stress come out in unhealthy ways has made me less interested in trying to rekindle anything romantically though. I can understand that someone is struggling while also recognizing that I don't want to be on the receiving end of how they handle that struggle. I know they're stressed out, and I know they have a lot going on, but that isn't an excuse to treat people however you want. Stress can explain behavior, but it doesn't excuse it. At the end of the day, I don't think I was being overbearing. I was trying to show up, communicate, and be present, and I think my time and feelings deserved more consideration than they were given. This made me feel emotionally discarded.

For reference as well, I was struggling stressing with apartment rent 2 years ago while working 40+ hour/week shifts, and nearly failing out of university. However at that time, I still held the respect and space towards a lady I was seeing then. See the difference? So this was completely surprising to me.

I don't have any ill will toward them. I genuinely wish them the best, and I think we can be friends. I'll still support them, be positive, and enjoy the good memories we shared. I just don't feel much desire to revisit the idea of something more after everything that happened.

In other news, I went to the Baltimore rave and had a really good time. I think taking this time to go out and do things for myself has made me feel a lot more in control. More than anything, it has reminded me that I still have autonomy over my life and what I choose to do with it.

Lately, I've been trying to focus on the things that are actually within my control. Going out, seeing friends, DJing, and making plans for myself has helped me feel more grounded. Instead of waiting around for things to happen, I've been actively participating in my own life, and I think that's been good for me.

Overall, I feel pretty good about that.

On the harsher end, and this is mostly just me venting, I think what has been difficult is the whiplash of it all. Going from investing time in someone, really liking them, and feeling like things were moving in a positive direction, only to suddenly hear, "I don't see you that way anymore," is jarring.

What makes it harder is that I wasn't the one driving everything from the start. They reached out to me first on the dating apps. They were the one who called to schedule a date. A lot of what I was doing was simply responding to the energy and intention that was being shown to me. I wasn't trying to force anything. I was matching what I felt was being communicated.

Because of that, seeing everything fall off a cliff without much communication or explanation feels immature and nuts. Maybe that's a harsh way of putting it, but that's honestly how it comes across to me. It makes me question whether that's something I would want to be involved with romantically in the future.

At the same time, I don't think they're a bad person. I still think they're someone I could sit down with, have a good conversation with, and enjoy being around. That's part of why the situation is disappointing.

I think what hurts the most is that I saw them as a very emotionally mature and well put together person. They seemed like someone who communicated well and someone I could genuinely connect with. Seeing this side of things has been surprising. More than anything, it's been disappointing because it challenged the image I had built of them and the expectations I had for how this situation would be handled.

I wanted to make a follow-up entry from the previous one to update about the Beau situation.

Beau has decided to end things. When I was kind of figuring out the plans and logistics for tomorrow given that the venue was put an hour away from the campus that we usually frequent, they got overwhelmed and they were like, "yo, I'll pay you back. I'm not really feeling like going anymore."

And that also led into, their explanation of ending things. They said that they don't think they really see me as a romantic connection anymore, and that they want to just be cordial friends. They weren't really sure what the reason is, but the main one primarily just being that they're moving and there's just a lot of stress lately, trying to work and save a lot of money.

For me, I gave it like 2 hours to just kind of process the news or so because I'm not really upset about the outcome as I was kind of already thinking about that in my previous entries, but more so that I wish the expectation of our relationship was thoroughly defined early on instead of just kind of pushing it back. I also aided in that because I didn't really wanna talk about it until like July, August-ish, close to when it was time for me to leave. And I felt like we just had a mismatch in expectations and just preparedness of what the summer would look like.

Reflecting on this relationship, it was pretty positive towards the end. I went on one of the best dates I've been on in a long time, and I think the electricness of our connection was really cool. Processing this relationship post-you know, after though, I feel like I have to be honest that my social atmosphere consisting of people that I've done stuff with and like bringing them around, like, someone I really like was very messy and it was pretty bad. And while I can comfortably hold those boundaries, that isn't for everybody. And I'm like an anomaly in this situation or picture when it comes to just like upholding boundaries. With that being said, I just don't think that they probably are messing with that personally. Also, long distance, not a big fan. I just wish that there was a better expectation to re-calibrate that sooner rather than later. So it doesn't, this conversation doesn't come up like a stress reaction.

We're gonna have a talk later this afternoon around like 5:30 to kind of just debrief, but after that, I think I have like next week kind of planned out pretty well. I have some good events going on. I have Dora I'm seeing, which is cool, but I also just wanna kind of lock myself into like a job for a little bit and just kind of work just to alleviate the stress.

I'm also just kind of in the dark about what I need. I feel like I might need some distance. Doesn't necessarily mean ghost or don't talk, but just not as much communication. Text-wise, I don't mind, like, Tik-Toks or like sending memes. That's cool, but I'm gonna need a minute to just, like, chill. But obviously, I feel like our connection is going to reduce itself probably to just like, maybe just viewing each other's stories on Instagram. That's the only thing I kind of hate about it, especially because the way we've met and know each other and like through the whole friend group stuff, which was messy from the get-go. So it's not going to be the best exit. It's gonna be a little bumpy one. I'm gonna be a little bit emotionally charged, for sure. I just don't know how to handle it, but hopefully I can put it in a direction where we both can move comfortably.

I’m making this entry a little late. I didn’t really feel motivated to write at the time about how my therapy session went, but overall it was really good. I had a big opportunity to talk through the situation with Dream and Beau, and I think that helped me process things more clearly.

My therapist’s perspective and how she helped me work through everything made me realize I’ve been processing things in a more healthy way than I might have in the past, and that I’ve actually been developing better tools for handling it instead of spiraling or overthinking everything.

The session itself was pretty chill on Monday. On Tuesday, I had DJ club, which was really cool. We ended up on a rooftop, and I felt like I played pretty good music and had some really solid transitions. I am still getting used to listening by ear through speakers, especially with bigger equipment. We are using a singular CDJ-3000 and an A9 mixer, and we also had one CDJ-2000 on the left side. Normally we work on 2000s for both left and right, but since we had a 3000 available, I have been trying to use them as much as possible because it is a better learning environment and helps build real experience.

After that, I ended up turning Tuesday into a Love Island watch party with some friends at a bar. I do not really talk about Love Island that much because this is more of a personal diary, but it was a really fun night out. Overall, this week has just been about taking time for myself and actually spending time with people.

I have also been trying to zoom out a bit from revolving around Beau. I know they have been really stressed and kind of shutting themselves out lately, but when we talked this week it felt more like our normal conversations earlier in the semester, which was nice. We have a party on Friday that we are both going to, and I might see Angel later too just to catch up and hang out. I am not trying to get too drunk or anything, just kind of feeling the night out as it goes. Overall, it feels like a pretty full week. I have also been saving money for future trips, and next week I am going to the city to spend time with Dora, the person I went on the orchestra date with.

While this has been a really good week overall, I also want to shift into how I have been feeling mentally these past couple of weeks.

I am pretty bummed that I did not hear back about the internship. It has been about two to three weeks now, which usually means I did not get it. That has been a big hit because I have been applying to jobs and I feel like I struggle with getting summer jobs during this period. I usually have better luck in the fall or winter, and rarely in the spring. I really want to make some money this summer, not just for income, but also to have a routine and get out of the house more. I still have my social media job, which I am grateful for, but I would like something extra. I might start looking more in the city and see what comes up.

With Beau, I have been trying not to let my anxiety take over. When I like someone, I tend to be very intentional, going on dates, meeting up, and spending time together. When there is a disconnect in any way (drop off of consistency for instance), my mind can jump to worst case scenarios. Sometimes I start thinking I am being quietly judged for my past or who I am, even though I know that is more insecurity than reality.

I also understand now that the Chicago move is taking up a lot of their mental space. When we talked the other night, they mentioned needing to work more and make more money, so it makes sense that they are a bit more unavailable or closed off right now. I just do not want them to completely isolate themselves or shut down, because I care about them beyond just dating. I want them to have support and people in their corner.

At the same time, I do not really know how deeply I should be investing right now, especially with the move coming up. I am trying to monitor myself so I do not come off as overbearing, and I do think they appreciate when I check in and call sometimes and give them space.

This gives me time to look over what my life will look like in August, post-Beau. I am just trying to stay mentally open. I know I will probably start talking to new people again, whether that is casually dating or just meeting people normally. I have been thinking about what that looks like if Beau is fully focused on themselves, and at that point, I guess I would want to understand when it makes sense to move forward and stop holding myself in place.

I do not want to step on any toes. It is more that I do not want to stay stuck in uncertainty either. I want something that actually has direction, not just conversation without movement.

I think I will always care about Beau and appreciate what we have, even if it does not turn into something long term. That makes me a little sad, but I do not want my whole life to revolve around uncertainty. I want to stay open to whatever else comes next.

Heres a pic of the DJ setup, also forgot to mention I went to a chill taco spot with some friends Tuesday too. Hype asf

Today, I'm gonna start this entry off on a positive note, because I feel like I just completely blew the situation with Dream a little bit off of the mark. And while that ended in a pretty abrupt way, at the same token, it's not the end of the world. Their decision to cut contact speaks to their boundaries and how they chose to handle the situation. My actions still contributed to the circumstances.

That's just life, really. While it's a little somber, it's not the end of the world. And even if the situation with Beau topples because of that, I do worry a little bit about a sort-of fallout from multiple friend groups, but we're all adults. I feel like that would maybe be the last thing that would happen. I actually don't really expect that to happen.

As these- Beau and I's relationship, and Dream and I's relationship, are probably isolated events. Beau is probably thinking about a lot of things right now in their personal life, given the fact that they have a big move coming in August, work, and are coming off of a stressful trip with some friends. So I'm trying to zoom out on the mishap and just trust that our conversations after that party, since we immediately had a conversation after that night, is just going to be the foundation of trust there. And if not, it's okay. There's nothing to beat up about it.

Anyways, I went to the party. I had a lot of fun. It was good vibes. Personally, I felt a little stuck out being the only guy there, but it's okay. One thing I didn't like was the roundabout birthday shot choice being Don Julio, which is arguably one of the worst tasting tequilas. I don't care who says otherwise- it is a terrible drink. Along with the sober eats being Taco Bell. That's a really bad mix. I was actually a little bit nauseous heading to bed, but thank God I didn't throw up as I handled my drink pretty well, and I was able to compete a little bit with people drinking too.

One thing that also kind of stunted it is I got drunk allegations pretty early on, and I think it's just because my actions were just more so relaxed. I wasn't really trying to be kind of crazy about it. But obviously, I was getting there, so I kind of wanted to just chill out while also having a good time. And I think it worked out for the most part. I had fun.

Right now I'm about to take Tylenol and kind of just flush this nausea out and go on a no drinking binge until the 12th, which is theoretically when me and Beau are going to go to a party.

What I'm trying to do for these next couple of weeks, hopefully, is to just zoom out of situations and approach it with a more balanced view instead of thinking that every single decision or situation, even if it's my mistake, is a complete and total judgment on my character. I literally spent the recap entry praising about the good I've done. And I have done good things and I have done bad things, but overall, I have been a pretty decent person. And that's growth. I don't want to just be hard on myself all the time because I feel like I won't really recognize the effort that I put in to be a good person. And if I'm gonna be judged by one or two situations, then so be it.

Obviously, I don't wanna meta game and have this, like, thinking be like a cushion for more serious events. This is just like, your run-of-the-mill petty drama situation, which I feel like you should just move on from it, you know? Focus more on myself. That's how I'm trying to visualize moving forward.

A bit of a somber update. this is still fresh so my thoughts are going to be a little unrefined for the night.

Today I discovered that I was unfollowed by Dream on all socials, and number blocked on iMessage. This also prompted me to act on impulse and remove that guy that was acting a little weird towards me, don't know why I get the courage to do that but its all good.

I'm catching the hint that she probably doesn't want to talk to me anymore and that is understandable. I'm now starting to realize that the overlapping social circles that I brought in for that house party early May was a bit of a bad decision. Now I've lost a friend I've known for two years, and I'm going to probably assume my relationship with Beau has soured a little. Optics optics.

Reflecting on this, I'll be honest. I don't think I've been morally moving the best lately. It doesn't help when you try to work things out with someone and verbally touch base just to again, have these wooden bridges fall apart. It also doesn't help that I saw one of Dream's friends that I followed on TikTok and I commented on one of their post, which might've been a little bit of a lighter to activate the whole blocking thing there but the main point is still the main point: I'm moving crazy.

As I reprocess these past few months again, I can't help but just feel.. disappointed at my behavior. At my core I have these fluid boundaries and just because I communicate my behavior or actions, doesn't really hold up any reliability on people to feel like they can trust or respect me. Often times I get into little bouts of depression because I'd look back on the connections that I've built and ask, if I am really authentic and myself with the people that I hang out with?

I know its my early twenties and its another developmental stage you go through before your personality "hardens out," but I can't help but feel as if I haven't changed at all. I feel as if I'm a more slicker dude with a morally gray character, and I'm probably overexaggerating but I'm starting to understand that sex and friendships don't mix all the time. I'm bouncing between different labels of my behavior, which all aren't true- I'm just being dramatic. But one thing is true: I am messy.

I am messy and this is the outcome of being messy. Multiple year connections just gone at, and not necessarily "one big moment," but misaligned expectations, poor boundaries, and miscommunication, leading up to weird situations. All of these are small stepping stones resulting in one big, "crash."

Even deep down, my situation with Beau is fucking messy from the jump. Years ago when we met, I had already hooked up with a friend that they were(?) friends with. I still follow them to this day but I rarely see any interaction from their posts, and the last was in October of 2025. Also to mention since like, late 2024/early 2025 said friend also has a partner.

I wish I could easily pinpoint how and why I am so messy, but right now I want to chalk it up to just a lack of strict boundaries with friends, adapting to people's expectations (which essentially is adjusting myself to keep the connection stable, or people-pleasing), and maintaining the relationship instead of defining it or actually evaluating it. This leaves me tolerating unclear situations and uncertainty between a lot of people, which has made me feel comfortable with telling people straight up, even Beau that I essentially "don't care" if you end up finding someone else. Even when I really do.

I wouldn't say this is a "mature" response either. It's a development of ambiguity from casual hookup culture that I engaged in as an 18/19-year-old, a desire and pressure to fit in, which doesn't really account for what I really want out of life. I'll probably touch on this in therapy as that lesson seems to be a recurring theme in a lot of my thoughts. I get situations where I don't really feel myself. I feel like I'm performing to people. Deep down that mindset gets so toxic that I've considered suicide in some aspects, not because of the typical excuses, being sad, hopeless, not feeling like I have anything going for myself etc. But moreso, I don't know if I can really be myself at this time. Frankly, I don't even know who I AM.

Deep down, with the recurring themes since December:

I don't have my own "room." I live in a basement (instability)

I have different friend groups (journeyman)

I tolerate ambiguity, and adapt to people (try to fit in)

and for so long I've felt so comfortable with this.. mask, that I don't know who I am behind it, and often that teeters into destructive behavior, or me practically creating these wooden bridges.

Suicide will never be an answer to this, fixable problem. I'm so young that I can turn my life around for sure in a couple of years. However, I am tired. I am scared that I don't really know if I can truly be me, because I don't know what makes me, me. I don't know what makes Dane, Dane. My sense of self is state-dependent and socially anchored, rather than internally anchored.

I'm going to leave my thoughts at this so I'm not just spiraling in a loop, but I'm glad to have finally put thoughts to these, emotional abyss pools (depression) every now and then. I wish I could say sorry to this but it won't fix anything. I need to be better. I just don't know if I have the strength to do so.