stuff and things.

I would like to give up.

Wednesday night I got into a heated "argument" with my brother in law about different types of rape and about consent. During this I dropped hints of my own experience with a male who took advantage of me. I didn't at first out right say "this happen to me" but I used parts of my own encounter to talk about the topics. At some point in the conversation he decided to say that things like cuddling and making out "could give the wrong idea and lead them on".....at that point I fucking lost it and may have gotten a little graphics with my words when I finally said "this has happen to me and IT WAS NOT MY FAULT "!! Since that night I have been thinking about the actual incident. It still hurts a lot. I still blame myself even when I KNOW IT WASN'T MY FAULT. He begged and begged and begged to let him eat me out, to just let him have a taste. Even though I said over and over I didnt think that's a good idea because I knew you will want to go further and I was not ready to go there yet. But you still begged and promised that it's okay of I didn't want to and that we didn't have to and it wouldn't lead to that. So I fucking caved. I let you go down on me. While you were you decided to pull your pants down and playing with yourself and I was only aware of that because you came to kiss me and I felt you had no longer had pants on. I covered myself. You told me to "relax" and that you wouldn't put your penis inside me. You just wanted a kiss. I believed you. I tried to relax. I uncovered myself. You kissed me while putting your penis inside me. I pushed you away. I told you I was upset and hurt. You told me I was over reacting. You told me you "didn't mean to" and that we should just go have dinner and come back and watch wrestling. How does one "accidentally" put their penis in someone? Too bad I wasn't thinking clearly at the time and still liked you at that moment. I had to still process what had happen. Yes, I ate dinner. Yes, I went back and watched wrestling. The whole time all I did was think about what had happen. How could he do that? I liked him. I thought he cared. Why would he say he wouldn't do that very thing he did? Once he fell asleep I switched bed and tried to fall asleep. We were in a hotel because he had came to visit me. He had just gotten out of an "abusive" relationship and wanted to reconnect with me. I thought he cared. He clearly did not. The next day, at work, when talking to my coworker/bestie(who is an ex sexual assault advocate) I realized what you did to me was a form of rape. You may not have held me down and raped me but what you did was definitely a form of sexual assault. I seriously hope no other lady has had to have the same experience or worse. I hate seeing that you get to have fame. Articles written about you. Calling you an "unlikely hero". You getting to win title belts and make a good name for yourself in the business I have loved since a child. I am scared to goto independent shows because I don't want you to working one. I am scared that one day you may end up on my TV. On AEW/IMPACT/ROH/WWE. I don't want to have to give up soemthing I have cared so much about bevause you have tainted it for me. I also hear you and your band got signed to a record lable, I don't want your music to play on my radio or anywhere else. I don't want you to have anything good. You don't deserve it. Multiple years later I am still effected my your actions and you get to just carry on like nothing happen. It's not okay.