DanCalidlR

I owe 🥉 guilt and forgiveness, but I still deserve my space, don’t I?

When I woke up this morning, a tweet from the official account of the Student Council said that grades come out tomorrow, Christmas Day.

I gave my prelim grades one last look before I signed out and spend the Christmas Eve waiting for Christmas (and my final grades).

I was eating when 🥉 asked my what my password was again. 🥉 always knew. 🥉 has access to my account since it was made. But 🥉 asked me, then threw me the bomb.

“What was your password again? You failed a subject.”

I couldn’t believe it. I knew I was in trouble but nothing was finalized until it’s out. I had hope.

Asking what’s already known. Wanting to know everything first before everybody else does. Typical of 🥉.

“Grades are out tomorrow, the council said.”

“No it’s out now, I saw it. You failed one. Are you gonna get advised? What are you gonna do?”

I wanted to breathe, but I felt like I couldn’t. It still hasn’t settled in my head and 🥉 was already asking me for a resolution. I should feel guilty because I failed 🥉 but I wish 🥉understands that I failed myself, too. I burdened 🥉 but I burdened myself, too. My college life will extend one semester because of that one failed subject. I wanted to graduate as early as I can. I wanted to always be a regular student. I still had hopes to become a Dean’s Lister. All of that were gone. 🥉 wanted all of that for me, but I wish 🥉knows that I wanted all of that for me, too. I want to appreciate 🥉 and I do, but I wish I was the first to see my grades. Whatever the result was, I’d tell 🥉. I wanted to be the one to tell 🥉, I wanted to be responsible for my failures and be strong to admit my mistakes.

But for me, things never go the way I would’ve wished them to. 🥉knew first and was the one to tell me. The first thing I felt was disbelief, then denial, then disappointment. But I wasn’t surprised. This was something 🥉 would do. And this is something I would do. I always fail at doing something 🥉 wants. 🥉 wanted me to take up this program, so I did, and now I failed 🥉. It’s not the end, but what if this is a sign? I’m on my third year, have I stayed too long to quit now? And even if I wanted to quit, I wouldn’t be able to. 🥉 would never, ever allow it. Or maybe this is a sign to still fight. I’ve been doing this for three years. I can’t say I don’t want to be an accountant. It has become my dream and goal. I wasn’t debarred, this means I can stay. This means there’s still hope.

All of this were in my head and I wanted to think. Alone. By myself. To set my mind. To accept the situation I put myself into. To move forward and to know better next time. To do better next time. To figure out what I really want to do with my life. To know how to handle the coming year. I wanted to think about all of it.

I chose to bleed To keep you from bleeding But you want to bleed I wasted my blood on you until I’ve ran out. There’s nothing more to give.

All I want is someone who won't leave when I push everyone away because that someone understands it's the time when I need someone the most; someone who'll give me a tap on the shoulder, a reassuring smile, or a simple message every now and then just to remind me I'm not alone; someone who I would go through great lengths for because we both know that that someone will do the same; someone who'd rather see me mad than to let me be stupid enough to hurt myself or others. Just,