A Little Faith

This morning didn’t go to plan. At all.

My son woke up around 4:30, and I soon discovered that I had forgotten to put his diaper on. (He is freshly potty trained but hasn’t quite gotten the overnight part down yet.) So that was a mess, and I had him in the shower while he fought me the entire way.

I crawled back into bed around 5:30. I was just going to stay up, but I started to feel pretty crappy with such little sleep. My leg was hurting (I had a back and leg injury recently) - it was just a nightmare. I don’t know what time I ended up falling asleep again, but by the time I woke up, it was nearly 10. I do remember shutting off my alarm when it went off at 7:30, and I had just started to doze off. So being ripped out of sleep gave me that gross dizzy feeling.

Anyways. It’s 11 now. I’ve just had my breakfast: egg whites, one egg yolk for taste, spinach, avocado, coconut oil, and a bit of feta cheese. Salt and pepper. It was great. I’m sitting back now with my black coffee - which isn’t really all that bad. I do know I’m going to miss my creamer and spoon full of sugar in the raw. So good. But maybe I can really acquire a taste of black coffee. I know my brother was saying if you drink it long enough just plain then you start to really be able to taste the different flavors and hidden notes in a good cup of coffee. I had planned on getting on the treadmill today or going for a walk so hopefully once I get my ass in gear today, that’ll happen. I forgot to do my weight this morning because I was so frazzled. Now that I’ve had my morning meal, I’m going to do my best to fast until dinner, which will be chicken piccata. We’ll see how it goes. I may have to have some kind of snack in between. My stomach is still stretched out so it’ll take a few days for it to shrink so I won’t get as hungry.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. For weeks.. or has it been months or years? I’ve gone through a lot in this life. Changes.. good and bad. I’ve been a lot of different shades.

I remember when I was happy with myself though. And it’s been a long time since that’s been real to me. I’ve gone through all my life shit - made mistakes, had cancer, had a baby, moved a bunch of times. I went up and down and all directions.

My most recent bout of shit was when I went through an active depression, still going through the motions of life but unhappy. I ate and ate and didn’t get out of bed, didn’t care, didn’t care to care.

I gained 75 pounds a year. Maybe a little less. Either way, I was almost my heaviest weight again. My heaviest was 260. I was at 252. It hit hard when I got to that number for some reason. And I immediately took action. I was watching myself and the number was going down. I got to 235. But then I started slipping up again.

Right now, I’m in the 240s. It fluctuates. I hate that my face has filled out and I have all this fat under my chin - that’s always my signal that I’ve gained too much.. my face starts to fill out. And I hate it. My stomach hangs so much more, water gets trapped there. I remember when I got my first rash there. It just ate the skin away. And I laid there and just.. felt disgusting.

None of my jeans fit. So many of my clothes that I loved don’t fit. I had to start buying bigger stuff. 2X and 3X. I wear a size 18 jean now, instead of a 12/14. I can’t breathe as well. I have no motivation to run around with my son. Or play and be fun the way I used to be. I just want to do nothing. I bought a treadmill that just sits in my room.