hands all over

You’re ridiculous. You will not, and when you’re fifty and admitting that you don’t hate me, I’m gonna tell you I told you so. I do too, I just can’t show you that proof right now because I’m otherwise occupied. Less people like me? Should I be offended? And hey, you tried to keep me out but you could never get past my awesome charm. I think you did, it’s all coming back to me now. I still stayed though even through your hitting sprees. I am not an idiot, you just find me charming, and won’t admit it. …. Can so. I am not being a baby, and if I am it’s Charlie’s doing. How come only you can do the thing? Banned, but I just did it, so now whatcha gonna do about it? I tink you could sing anything and he’d fall asleep to your voice. … I knew there was a soul in there somewhere. Good, I’m okay with this.

I am not. Mm, I guess that's not so bad. So many more years of telling you that I can't stand you, and I can't wait for those years to come. It'll be great, Adrian Mason. Not complaining about you being otherwise occupied. I'll complain later. Probably, but this is me insulting you, so then again, probably not. I tried very hard. It's not my fault you're persistent. You did, though. I'm glad you did. You're an idiot. A charming idiot, on your good days. But an idiot. You're being a baby, and you're not allowed to blame my son. S'not his fault you're a baby. That's your fault. Because I'm Carson, duh. I'm gonna smack you. That was sappy. Stop, you're gonna turn me into a sap. ...Shut up, before I take it back. Good.

If you live to be 90 and still hating me you earn your own tv show or movie about how you went through life hating me. You are a liar. No, it’s definitely longer, you’re just not willing to admit that you might actual have a soul under that exterior of yours. Your probably right, not having you wanting to hit me upside the head the first day we met, might have made you very boring. …. I can so stop you. It is so, its a very sensitive arm. That does not make me a wimp tho! He won’t when I threaten that stuffed bear of his. Okay, no, I couldn’t do it. He loves that thing. Sure I can, I’ll just not make you bacon for a week. My mom sang that to me, it’s the most guaranteed way to make him pass out. It’s like magic. I wouldn’t doubt that. … I’m very okay with this. But does this make you, mine. As well?

I should have my own TV show now, thank you very much. I'm telling you, though. Gonna hate you until the day I die. You have no proof that I'm a liar, actually. You're probably right. I like it better when people think I'm a heartless bitch. Means less people like you who manage to weasel their way into my life. Probably. I might have actually hit you upside the head the first thing we met, now that I think about it. But really, pregnancy hormones were to blame. Now I can just blame you being an idiot. ...Cannot. Don't be a baby. You're not allowed to threaten Ringo the bear. Only I can do that. You're not allowed to threaten bacon under this roof. Banned. He loves it a lot. I even started singing it to him before it puts him out literally right away. ...I was hoping you would be. Well, yeah. Yeah, it does. 

Always? Yes we are, one day, it’ll happen. You are not, stop saying such lies, Carson Elizabeth. Nah, not always. Sometimes you’re the sweetest person I know, so there’s that. But you do have that one part right. I do seem to like this mean side of you. … Don’t you dare. He’ll start hitting people when he starts daycare and I’m gonna blame it all on you. And my arm is sensitive so I vote no still, because mean. Besides, like he would actually hit me. Nope, best soft spot there is, just admit and move on. Am I? Usually I just think it’s dumb luck and my ability to wear him out with the airplane trick. Anyone told you, your “I could murder that person” face is actually really adorable? And … yours, huh?

Always. I'm gonna hate you when we're 90 years old.  I'm not a liar. I'm the sweetest person when I want you to make me bacon, or when I'm talking to my son. Literally the end of the "when is carson nice" list. Mm, see? It's a good thing I'm mean or else you may not like me. ....Gonna do it. Can't stop me. Nope, I'll make sure he knows only to hit you. Your arm is not sensitive! Don't be a wimp. He would. Because mommy told him to. Yeah, no, not gonna admit to anything. Can't make me. You really are. It's those damn lullaby that you sing him. Puts him right out. Nope, I think that's just a weird kink of yours. And .... I, uh. Yeah. Mine, Adrian Mason.

… No. You do not, I thought we had gotten past this so called hate for me. That we both know isn’t true. Now, you’re just being man, Carson Elizabeth. I’m not, I’m just saying, Why all the violence? You’re gonna start teaching Charlie to hit me if you keep that up. Coming, of course. It is not stupid, it’s the best soft spot there is, and it has feelings you know. Hello there Carson Elizabeth. Oh good, because I was actually not sure how I was gonna get him back to sleep. Oh you know, good, except for the drunk and single bridesmaids at the reception. The usual. Except one this time asked if I minded taking some more personal pictures of her, I took that as my cue to leave.

No, Adrian Mason. I'm always going to hate you. We're never gonna get passed that. You can live with me and my son all you want. Still gonna hate you. Aren't I always mean? It's part of the reason that you like me so much. ...Ooh, you know, I haven't though about that yet. But that's a splendid idea, really. I'll make sure to tell him to smack you right on the arm. My boy. Mm, no, it's a stupid soft spot. The worst. You're good at getting him to go back to sleep, you know. Almost as good as I am. ...That's cute. Actually, no, it's disgusting. Why are people so desperate? If it weren't for work, I would've come to the shoot and brought Charlie with me. Keep those single, drunk bridesmaids away from you. ...'Cause, ya know. Mine.

He doesn’t have to talk, his pointing and smiling and general amusement by the nose trick proves it. You do, but I still pay half so I get to live here. I know, but usually I get greeted with your beautiful face after a long wedding, so. I always come in loudly, that’s our thing. And you tell me to shut up and then I get a hug. ….Two minutes, because I’m just microwaving it. I would never, though that soft spot comes in handy sometimes, so I’ll take it where I can get it. Still demanding. And now zero minutes though, because here is your bacon, also hi.

..,Shut up. I hate you. Just because my son likes you, doesn't mean I do. You get to live here until the woman with the baby says that you don't. Ugh, don't try to butter me up. That doesn't make me any less tired or inclined to smack you. C'mere and give me that hug before I change my mind, now that I'm awake thanks to your loudness. It's a stupid soft spot. Thanks. Hi, Adrian Mason. Charlie's asleep again. How was the shoot?

You can’t do that, I’m on the lease and I pay rent, and Charlie loves me, so you can’t do that. Hey, I didn’t know you’d be asleep! Let me take him if off your hands and get him back to sleep and then I can cuddle you back to sleep. Demanding. Not even a please in there?

Don't bring Charlie into this. He can barely talk. I also pay rent, thank you very much. It's nearly midnight, and I have a one year old. I take time to sleep whenever I can. You need to not come in so loudly. ...Ugh, fine. But go get bacon first, and if he's not back to sleep by then, then you can do it. Damn you. Don't think my soft spot for you means I'm any less mad at you for waking me up. No, no please. You'll get a please when I have bacon and cuddles.

Note to self, don’t scream “We found love in a hopeless place!” Around sleeping babies, their music taste has yet to be developed and do not understand that waking up to that song is way better than old alarm clock. This makes for angry mothers and little to no bacon available.

I'm literally about to kick you out. Do you know how hard it was to get Charlie to fall asleep? You know who else was sleeping, Adrian Mason? Me. I was sleeping. I'm going to kill you. It's late, I'm tired, and Charlie won't stop crying. Go get me bacon.

Are you home yet?

Yeah, finally. I got home a few hours ago.