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“Ponyboy it’s not like that. You know I didn’t have a choice.” How could she be so solemn about leaving? I couldn’t help but feel like she never cared. Janie and I never argued once. Our bond was so perfect, nothing at all could damage it. No one could tear us apart. We were meant to be, inseparable- everyone knew that, so why now? What made her want to leave? That’s when I realized her choice of wording.

My lip quivered as I spoke, as if I knew what was coming. “Didn’t? What do you mean didn’t.”

“You know Ponyboy. You know. Remember that day?” As if lighting had just erupted, the harshness behind her words struck me deep. My heart began to sink low into the pit of my stomach, it was as in the blink of an eye the beautiful scene behind us changed in an instant- the perfect sunset suddenly became a gut wrenching stormy night. I began to shake as she took a step closer to me, making the sensation of guilt I held even harsher. Deja Vu began to overcome me but I couldn’t remember where I’d been before in order to relive this painful sensation. “That day down at the railroad tracks? I’m not leaving Ponyboy you left me.. but for some reason you can’t help but admit it. Say it Pony say it! Say it god damn it! You left me there to rot! You could’ve saved me!”

The sound of her words slaying through my ears attacked me so brutally I began to hold my stomach. Her words like knives, I almost fell to my knees but somehow was able to stand.

Now I Remember.

Remembering the scene of her lying there motionless could’ve killed me.

“No! No! NO! Stop it!” I yelped at the taunting of her words. The pain within my heart began to become so insufferable I swear I could’ve passed out right then and there. I glanced at her hoping for some remorse- no, I looked at her hoping for something I hadn’t seen in awhile, her comfort. All I saw infront of me was her emotionless state. “I didn’t have a choice! I…” My words trailed off into the distance as the aura of her stare became more fierce.

“You left me there to rot in my own blood and sorrow. You know it.” No. No. Please no. “The moments you had to cherish me are over now Pony. I have to go now.” She said as she turned swiftly and began to walk into the distance. My heart had now completely shattered and the lump in my throat became so large- I couldn’t breathe. Her white dress blew swiftly in the wind as her silhouette began to disappear out of my sight. “Janie!” “Janie No! Please Stay!” I tried to yell, even at the top of my lungs nothing came out. No. No. NO. not again. I couldn’t take this. Not again.

“Ponyboy!” A distant call jolted me from my sleep. I gasped for air sharply and sat up, not noticing at first how stained my cheeks were from my dried tears. I turned to see Soda looking ruffed up as if he’d been suddenly awoken also. “What?!” I exclaimed now noticing the sensation of dried tears against my skin.

“What do you mean, what?! Are you okay? You were having a nightmare I think.. you kept yellin and hollerin…” I suddenly remembered what I had been dreaming moments before and cut him off. Soda knew how sensitive I was about the topic and for that couldn’t seem to finish his sentence.

“Jane.”

“Yeah..” He said softly and somewhat relieved I finished for him. Everyone especially Soda never liked to bring her up, I hadn’t been me since the incident and when I was finally happy, they tried their best to keep it that way. “man you’re gonna be okay. It’s not your fault man, there was nothin in your power-“

“It was my fault Soda.”

You could’ve thought the world shook from how Soda reacted. “What?!” He said shocked at my words. Yes, I had dreams like this all the time, but I don’t know.. this one felt more realistic- more harsher than others. I mean, it woke up Soda so that should make a point. I couldn’t help but feel like it was a sign of some sort. “Yeah, I mean… why would I keep having these dreams Soda? What if she’s trying tell me somethin. I mean..” Soda cut me off with a hug- he could somehow sense the throbbing in my heart as I spoke, maybe my voice cracking hinted it.

“It was never your fault man. You did what you could, you went to fetch help.. there was nothing you could’ve done yourself to tend to her state. Hey.. her last moments were with you just remember that, okay? Laughin and smilin- with YOU, pony. That means she really loved you, loved you enough to enjoy her last moments with you. You didn’t push her infront of the train now did you? It’s gonna be okay man. I promise.” I know Sodas words intended to hit me hard, but they didn’t. Nothing anyone could say or do would change my mind. I just want my Janie back.

“Yeah…” I said softly. “I just… I miss her Soda.. I really loved her. If only I didn’t agree to take her to the creek that day. We could’ve just stayed in, watching old romance movies that she liked.. and I hated.” I let out a soft chuckle at the thought. One thing Janie and I never agreed on was movies, but I always gave in and let her pick. Anything to see her smile, man I loved her smile.

Soda rubbed my shoulder softly, he cracked a bit of a smile as he thought of something to say. “You out of anyone knew her mental state before your time Pony, it wasn’t any good now was it? But! You know who changed it? You Pony, you didn’t kill her, you saved her. You showed her what life was all about before it came to an end man.”

I nodded as all our memories flooded my head. Her soft yet cheeky smile tattooed in my head, her laugh was consistently ringing in and out my ears. I enjoyed every moment with her, my Janie. All I can do now is hope I satisfied her within the moments we shared together.

I finally got Soda to believe that I was okay- somehow persuaded him to go back to sleep. All I could do was lay there and think about everything. Janie was the most perfect girl I ever had the chance of meeting, I could picture us growing old and raising a family together. She had the most soft, delicate skin- her features were so perfect she didn’t need all that makeup. Man.. she looked great in yellow. I always loved how she looked in a summer dress. The way her hair gracefully blew in the wind and somehow always stayed lookin perfect. Janie, is what I called her.. my Janie girl. She was my pride and joy, and I was hers.

It was time for her to go. her life was cut short. Janie herself would’ve said something along the lines of “that’s the best thing that’s couldve ever happened to me.” She always told me she couldn’t take being here anymore, but I’d say it’s the worst thing that’s happened to me.

I never thought I could physically feel so low in my life. The gang had told me their pal Johnny was the only thing Dallas ever loved before I came along, and when I came along he started focusing on me over Johnny. I’ll never be able to erase the facial expression Dallas held as he watched Johnny leave him alone in this fucked up world. It drove him insane.. all the morals Dallas lived by were thrown in his face, not because he didn’t live by them, because Johnny didn’t. Johnny was the sweetest boy you’d ever meet, I think that’s why Dallas loved him so much- he saw the side of himself he couldn’t be inside Johnny, and he wanted to protect it.The act of kindness Johnny delivered to this world killed him, and that drove Dallas over the edge.

The gut wrenching feeling Dallas overcame that night was now spreading through my gut. It was so painful I couldn’t take it. He promised me, he promised he’d be with me forever. Between the thought of him breaking his promise and the idea that he wasn’t here to comfort me through this agony was too much. I stopped jogging and suddenly stood still, the adrenaline within me took over- I felt a high rush within my blood as I stood completely still. Within seconds a bright light overcame my already blurred sight of tears and a loud screeching overtook the yells of the boys chasing after me.

It all felt so surreal. I could hear the screams of terror coming from Pony and Two-bit. They sounded so close yet so far.. but I also saw Dallas, looking as handsome as ever. He looked so at peace, no worry in his face at all… not as we’d last saw him. just as if he could’ve looked younger yet the same age he had died as, that’s what he looked like. No furrowed eyebrows, no black eyes, no forehead wrinkles constructed from trauma, just a softened version of Dal… finally shown to be possible. My lover, my soulmate, had he came to see me? I don’t know, maybe the impact of the car crashing into my figure threw me into a daze? As I tried to deconstruct the situation infront of me, he slowly reached his hand out to mine and reluctantly I took it. Their screams echoed through my ears making me feel dizzy, but they began to fade out. The last thing I heard was a mix of Pony’s harsh sobs and Two-Bits soft spoken cries as he uttered “don’t worry Ruthie, the doctors are on their way.” As if it were a dream I closed my eyes expecting the image of Dallas to go away, but it didn’t. My hand was still in his and the cries had stopped. “You’re okay now Ruthie. You’re okay.” He said as he flashed me with that same ol’ smirk of his. “You missed me that much huh?” The warmness of his words was something I’d missed so much. “He hasn’t changed at all.” I thought as I spat in an unsure tone. “Yeah, I sure did.”

“What did I tell ya, huh?” He smiled and swung an arm around me, pulling me closer to his broad figure. I looked up to him, his brown orbs stared softly into mine. God, I didn’t know what to say or what to do. I didn’t want the feeling to go away. “Please don’t go away,” is all I kept repeating in my head. I couldn’t get myself to reply to his remark, instead he finished for me. He softly brushed my hair behind my ear and connected our foreheads. Warm to the touch, he smiled “No matter what.. we will always find eachother. We are always going to be together doll, together forever.”

( Sorry for the shortness, it’s kinda rushed