Passed Down Like Folk Songs

I'II try to stop being so negative. I feel like I’m being a Debbie downer. I logically know that l'Il be able to eventually heal from all of this and forgive myself and I won't be sad and lonely forever but I think I sometimes have a delayed reaction to traumatic things where my body takes a while to process them and then I can actually feel the emotions and the effect of them. When I was going through the traumatic events, I was in survival mode so I couldn’t process everything but now that I feel safe again I’m actually able to feel everything. It also doesn't help that I'm still very much depressed and not physically well so everything feels hopeless when you're in this state and grieving who you were before.

Trying to not beat myself up over my past mistakes and how stupid and useless I am but it’s really hard. I’m feeling the urge to hurt myself again bc I’m so frustrated at how I don’t know how to not be an idiot and how to not trigger ppl. I’m not going to do it but I really want to bc rn I want to cry and physical pain feels nicer than wallowing in sadness and self pity

I hope that one day I’ll have a good support system and group of friends that I can rely on so that I’m not having to do all the work of healing on my own. It feels like recovery is an impossible task when you’re constantly isolated and lack warmth, kindness, and true emotional attunement. Therapy can only do so much. I feel so much grief over how all my relationships have turned out and how I want the ppl who’ve hurt me to comfort me. How long will it take for a wound like this to heal and will it ever completely heal?

BIG REPUTATION BIG REPUTATION OOO YOU AND ME WOULD BE A BIG CONVERSATION AHHH