daisy

these days there's a struggle of being happy for others. i can justify it and label it however i want but in truth is that maybe envy played its hand. i hate jealousy. it's so pathetic and immature. but i have to regard these feelings as my own to really get over it. maybe im insecure. no- i /am/ insecure. i see others doing things i wanted for myself. getting opportunities, being ahead, being great, being loved. i feel like a loser.

jelousy really is a monster. and im being consumed. i hate it. im so familiar with the comforting notions of- no one is perfect, u dont know whats happening behind closed doors, no ome can have EVERYTHING. but what if they do, what if some are meant for greatness and some are just meant.

2020 had a sad start for me. I was in a slump realizing i wasn't happy with what I was doing and where I was at my life all the while also realizing that I'm gonna continue being like that in the future if I don't change some things.

So I did a brave thing. I started loving my choices more. I became so much more confident. I looked at myself with so much love and care.

The best part about everything was that I practiced not giving a fuck about what people thought about me. I only kept the people who matter and made me feel good and loved close to me and I became so much happier and whole

2020 was a year full of growth.

More importantly, It was a year that I realized I was capable of it too.

So I'm done being scared, I'm here to grow in 2021.

The smell of food cooking, the melancholic music and the warmth of company make it seem so simple.

It's the holidays! It's a good and exciting thing.

What most don't realize is that behind the superficial celebrations that make it the season to look forward to

is that there are family members who can't come and visit. there are family tensions that are brushed under the rug to have peace just for one day (even if it only makes it bigger the longer you don't address it), there, there's a mother who after tending to her guests with a heartwarming and welcoming smile, goes back to the kitchen and cries from the ache from missing her son. then there are her family members who do the same, albeit doing so through laughing and making conversations the whole day to suppress the ache.

i often whip out the occassional depressive post for every one to see.

self loathing. insecurity rants. depression strikes. i found it takes just about a fraction of the bad feelings felt.

don't be mistaken. it's a very very miniscule fraction.

but it helps. and i'd take anything that does any day.

but in retaliation, friends, God bless them, send out reaffirming and comforting sentiments back.

"Reaffirming" and "Comforting".

I look at each one with both gratitude and skepticism.

"WARMEST HUGS" they say.

It leaves me in a state of annoyance instead.

I don't want to read four meaningless letters. I don't need to know that you're always going to be there.

I NEED TO FEEL IT.

maybe it has to do something with me. maybe ive been left feeling so numb over and over again that distanced affection is meningless now.

i need a bit of practice.

untiil then,

REST

i dont think ive ever fully made sense of the word.

I know it strives for peace. For the calm. To be whole again when the world hasnt been so kind.

So we do. We rest.

Only now, as I lay in my bed in silence, "resting", do I realize, am I really?... Resting?...

I lay in the silence. In the stillness. In the frequency of the universe. I lay in comfort. In the warmth. In the feelings of idle and mundane moments.