bean🌙

mentions of r*pe with vague detail

i have been struggling to come to terms with this and i think i need to write my experience out and my feelings and thoughts to fully understand, im hoping to gain some advice to deal with this and work up the courage to tell my therapist at my next session, this might be triggering for some so please proceed with caution

it was february 2020 and i (16 at the time) was spending the night at my best friend’s (at the time) boyfriends house, we had eleven people packed into his room, my ex boyfriend (boyfriend at the time, 18) was there with me and we were mutual friends with everyone there due to our sport, as most teenagers do we were drinking and it just happened to be vodka, i was drinking heavily that night and was drunk pretty early on in the night, my ex boyfriend was also drinking but honestly i was not paying attention to how much and he came to me and we then went into the bathroom and then had sex, it was fine until he brought his phone out and began recording us, he has never done that before and i immediately told him i was uncomfortable, i didnt get to see his phone screen but i saw on my phone he had sent the video to me, i begged him to delete the the video and he had swore to me he deleted it completely and i never checked, as the night progressed, it was getting later and we kept drinking, other people wanted to go to sleep and so did i, i was tired, really drunk and i just wanted to sleep, so my ex boyfriend and i headed to the bathroom and began getting ready for bed and by the time we are ready to sleep, the room is dark and everyone is laying down and asleep except for my best friend and her boyfriend, so my ex and i lay down on the floor in the middle of the room, i hate myself for this part, he began to make a move on me and i told him that i did not want to have sex in a room full of people, he did not stop and he continued, and i repeated myself, he told me that no one was even awake and that we would be quiet, he put his hand on my mouth and began having sex with me, i pushed on his shoulders but i think he misunderstood the intent behind it, i wanted him off of me but regardless of his hand, i couldn’t speak, and then we noticed a head pop up, immediately it stopped and he got up, i think he was trying to play it off for going to the bathroom, i felt nothing, i tried to justify what had happened was consentual in my head for the rest of the night, i didn’t sleep

my best friend eventually finds out that had happened and became furious with me and my ex, she told me that i had crossed a boundary with her for having sex in her boyfriends house (not to excuse my actions but her boyfriend said it was fine for his friends to have sex as long as it was in the bathroom, this was not the best crowd of people) and let alone in front of so many people and she called me some hurtful things, i felt so embarrassed and ashamed of myself, i just told her that i was really drunk and that i wasn’t in the right state of mind and that i was really sorry and that what i did was inexcusable, and she ended up dropping me, i was constantly thinking about that night and how wrong it felt but everytime i told myself that it was fine and i kept thinking that for a while, and i never brought it up with him again

i broke up with him in november of 2020, because i couldn’t handle him anymore, the break up was emotionally exhausting but once i was finally able to think things over without this subconscious need to protect him, i allowed myself to really elevaluate the situation and i recognized that his actions were not okay, it has been hard for me to come to the terms that he r*ped me, it still doesn’t seem like that is really what happened when in reality it is