/ I LIKE IT LIKE THAT! /

wetter — ggondae

alien — dumb & dumber

car, the garden — little by little

beyonce — upgrade u

no doubt — don’t speak

the cure — friday i’m in love

element — don’t recall

beenzino — break

jannabi — good boy twist

the kooks — always where i need to be

hyukoh — comes and goes

madonna — material girl

dasutt — camel

billy idol — dancing with myself

the black skirts — puppy

the smiths — this charming man

ramones — rockaway beach

lady gaga — paparazzi

surl — like feathers

mindless self indulgence — molly

rob zombie — dragula

impulse — run away

thornapple — blue spring

decipher — be mine

seven years into daesung’s career, he’s finally given the green light to start working on a solo project. not the tentative ‘we’ll see’ that he’s heard over and over, but a certain confirmation that it’s time. better yet, he’s granted (some) creative leeway and the first thing that he decides is that he doesn’t want to sing some sad ballad, the second is that he doesn’t want to sing about love. not that there’s anything wrong with either; it’s just that he’s been singing sad ballads and love songs for long enough already. if he’s going to branch out, he wants to go all the way — he wants a song that’ll feel like it’s entirely his, not some packaged good that he just so happens to be the one holding.

tmi isn’t a new idea. it’s been floating around in his head for months, inspired by a steadily-growing collection of conversations with people who are coming to the realization that there’s nothing clean and polished about his public image. what you see may not be all there is, but what you see is definitely a part of what you get. true to the extent that some people tell him he’s too much. too honest for an idol, too talkative, too loud — it’d be okay if it were a persona, but somehow, the fact that it’s real makes it feel overwhelming. (he thinks about one particular mc, the t shape they’d made with their hands, the way they’d shouted tmi, tmi, tmi to drown out a story that became more and more embarrassing as daesung revealed more details. it would’ve been laughed at if it had clearly been made up for the show, right?).

in simpler words, he wants a song that reflects this side of himself; something that’s entirely too honest in a venial way.

from there, it develops into an outline of citing personal facts, rambling through lyrics that will feel like talking to an old friend. a friend who shares every pointless detail, even if it’s tmi. the team of company lyricists that he confides in tell him it’s a good idea if he can find a way to make it work.

he starts writing the same night, but approaches the page with a tense mindset. too serious, too eager to impress — tmi shouldn’t be about impressing anyone. he backtracks, decides that his first step should be formulating a list of personal facts. things that aren’t scandalous, but are secretive for other reasons, like being too irrelevant to slip into interview answers or casual conversation. he has the team of lyricists review his list through texts, scrapping ideas that they claim wouldn’t sound good in any kind of song, or the ones that they don’t think his fans would like to hear.

it becomes easier to write like this. foot tapping steadily against the hardwood floors in his apartment, he gets a full verse written in fifteen minutes. 

my sleep cycle’s messed up (jetlag) need blackout (curtains) but to be honest, i’ll sleep wherever my back lands (sleep well) if i don’t have a schedule, i’ll sleep all day so i can rest during the daytime, call me later at night

he considers leading in to a tale of nightlife, but decides it’d be too predictable that way. he doesn’t want a song that focuses on one topic too much; to avoid getting stuck on his reversed sleep-wake cycle, he pulls more facts from his list instead.

cold noodles over spicy ones, but without cucumber, please (i do eat pickles, though) dogs over cats because of my allergies (my eyes even turn red) considering a lasik surgery ‘cause i’m a minus 7 (physical exam’s level 3) my car’s a white g-wagon

he can’t start out a song like this, though. needs to sound like he has some idea of what he’s talking about if he wants people to listen past the first thirty seconds, so he writes another verse next with the intentions of having it be less rambly, but just as pointless.

don’t know why, but i woke up early today i feel like going for a walk should i just throw on whatever and go outside for a sec? nah, the micro dust is crazy the weather’s terrible my house is where i need to be my breakfast menu’s sunny-side up, cereal and toast i lie down on the sofa again, watchin’ netflix what series should i watch?

it’s relatable, right? for night owls like him, he thinks it will be — they should all know the feeling of waking up before noon, not knowing what exactly to do. knowing you should take advantage of a whole day to be productive, but ending up wasting it away instead.

for daesung, the chorus is usually the easiest part to write, but now he draws a blank. he could write plenty of verses like this, he thinks, but he doesn’t know how to glue the pieces together; he ends up sleeping with only two verses written, leaves the song alone for a couple days and comes back with a fresh mind.

he thinks it makes sense to write about nightlife now, considering the lines about being shocked to wake up early and preferring nighttime communication, so that’s what he goes for. he writes a whole pre-chorus and chorus about being the type of person who goes out too much because he doesn’t like to be alone, because he needs excitement in his life and the company of other people to keep from thinking too much, but this is where the issue rises.

it’s too much.

figures — a song based on oversharing and being too much shouldn’t have limits, but because he is still an idol, he understands where the criticism comes from when he sends the lyrics to another lyricist through email to be reviewed. (how about something like this for the pre-chorus? similar flow, but it’s less likely to be misconstrued, right?)

i used to go out every night (we party) but i hardly go outside these days it’s dangerous outside, it’s dangerous outside the blankets too many temptations and people make me exhausted i get a little stressed over my personality which makes me feel lonely thinkin’ ‘bout these things, i’m divin’ back into the studio anyway, thanks for listening to my story even if it’s tmi.

it’s almost entirely different from what daesung had written, and he thinks that it’s a bitter form of censorship. feels like taking his liveliness and shoving it into a box, telling him to stay at home and just focus on work; but he tells himself it’s not meant to be personal, right? some things have to be muted for the sake of palatability, and besides, he can detect bits of himself still present in the new lyrics, so he accepts the adjustments without showing his disappointment.

tmi becomes a placeholder in the chorus itself, repeated over and over for no other reason than neither he nor the other lyricists involved in the process have thought up a new one yet — in the end, it sticks. it’s easier this way, and though some of them argue that it’s repetitive to the point that it’s irritating, daesung gets attached to it. he thinks that it adds to the concept, and his vehemence to keep it in wins the battle.

he thinks it should fade out like this — repeating tmi until the song ends, but he’s told that an outro will make it sound smoother, so he listens, but finds a way to have tmi be the last word, anyway.

sun in gemini — chatty, defined best by curiosity; the kind so often compared to the innocent wonder of childhood. he wants to know why, he wants to know how. finds beauty in the details, though he’ll forget them sooner or later.

seen as being a little bit all over the place. unreliable due to his attention being pulled in a hundred different directions. it’s not that he doesn’t care, it’s just that everything seems to interest him on a surface level, so very few things hold his interest for long.

often unable to commit to long-term projects. if forced to follow through, the results will show that his heart wasn’t in it.

ascendant in aquarius — quick to accept things that he doesn’t fully understand, emotionally intelligent but somewhat removed from reality. what he sees isn’t always what actually is. lots of niche interests.

occasionally clumsy in his relationships with his surroundings. has a tendency to jump to conclusions, even though he knows that what he sees isn’t all there is  &  might not be accurate in the slightest.

moon in gemini — restless energy, a perpetual feeling of never being where he should be, on a constant search for complete freedom. the consequences of these feelings are the worst when he’s alone. victim of semi-frequent identity crises.

wants to be his best self, unsure of how to get there. ricochets between thinking that he has plenty of time ahead of him and trying to rush through stages of growth; sometimes thinks that he’s far behind.

also tends to spread himself too thin while searching for something that will provide a sense of fulfillment.

mercury in gemini — a mind that moves quicker than he can articulate; his words rarely do him justice. smarter than he seems. struggles to catch his metaphorical balance, but in fast-paced, stimulating environments, he’s well-spoken and has a lot of information to share. likes to listen just as much as he likes to talk. learning new things is one of his passions, though it takes a certain kind of learning/communication to get ideas to stick.

details, details, details. interested in the pointless little bits that others might overlook. to him, the intricacies complete the picture.

his deep-rooted, all-consuming curiosity mixed with his social butterfly tendencies mean that it’s easy for him to connect with all kinds of people. the kind of guy who really is interested in what you have to say. when he asks how your day was, he isn’t looking for “good” or “eh”; he’s looking for anecdotes. tell him about that new coffee you tried, tell him how bitchy your manager was, tell him about that funny scam caller that you uno-reversed. he really wants to know.

venus in gemini — playing a constant game of finding the odd one out, then focusing on them. drawn to people, things and concepts that he doesn’t immediately understand, things with many layers. a nonconventional kind of push-and-pull while he explores the things that interest him most.

easily bored, can be perceived as being non-committal or flaky for how quickly he’s able to drop interests despite his initial enthusiasm.

struggles to form deep relationships; a constant need for something new means that his attention rarely falls on one singular person for long. many, many, many friends, hardly any close ones.

mars in gemini — one foot in front of the other mentality. straight-forward about how he feels and what he wants, though he tends to speak in circles or lose sight of the main point. confrontation-averse; bottles up his irritation ‘til it overflows, then addresses the problem head-on. communicative, though a bit sloppy.

jupiter in capricorn — determined, self-assured, motivated. “don’t let your dreams be dreams”. even as a child, he knew he would do something great. on a constant mission to prove people wrong, to prove himself capable, to prove that he’s not someone you should worry about or doubt.

a kind of confidence that could be taken as arrogance, cockiness; seems to think that the universe is on his side. that he’ll succeed just because he wants to, and he’s hwang daesung. he gets what he wants.

works extremely hard to make his dreams come true, but feels uncomfortable either bragging or complaining about his efforts. nonchalance makes him seem a bit naive.

saturn in aries — throws caution to the wind, speaks and acts without thinking. rarely considers consequences; in his case, this can mean something simple like making impulse purchases, or it can mean something like blurting out his thoughts even if they won’t be perceived as friendly/kind.

very, very, very defensive when he’s called out. completely aware that he has flaws, but has trouble accepting criticism from others.

well-suppressed temper until he’s been pushed long enough, capable of being extremely cold. not always justified.

uranus in aquarius — innovative, always seeking excitement, always looking to rock the boat. despite being a public figure, he hates being told what to do. hates being predictable even more. rebellious; usually in harmless ways, but the chaos that he brings can be hard to handle. 

neptune in capricorn — interested in maintaining popularity, dreams of a system/world that works for everyone. in other words, wants to be successful, wants success to be easy to attain, wants to be liked. wants everything to be good all the time. unrealistic desires that can lead to disappointment with himself and with the world.

pluto in sagittarius — optimistic. “embrace the unknown, accept the unexpected, live for the hope” kind of mindset. looks for ways to mold inconveniences into advantages. outwardly, this looks like resilience and a pure desire to be happy. won’t let obstacles stand in his way.

his intentions are cloudy, unreadable ―

he’s a boy who smiles so bright that it seems like he’s in a competition with the sun, talks circles around anyone who’ll listen, begging them to show some interest in the smaller parts of his life. but by the time he’s eight years old, teachers are already writing home about how disruptive he is in class, how he cuts them off mid-lesson to inquire about the color of their cheeks. (”he asked if my skin color is a result of high blood pressure,” one teacher writes, not quite angry, but far from amused. “he doesn’t seem to know how to keep his thoughts to himself”.)

it seems like he never learns, either.

his parents tell him not to answer the door if neither of them are home alone. it’s dangerous, they say, and he humors them by pretending to agree, though his personal belief is that the most dangerous thing in the apartment building is the landlord’s tendency to come looking for day-late rent first thing in the morning with un-brushed teeth. (”does our rent buy your toothpaste?” he asks one morning, in the middle of getting ready for school. the landlord doesn’t think it’s funny, and neither does daesung’s mom as she apologizes on his behalf, stalling while she comes up with some excuse as to why they can’t pay yet. but he sees the smile his dad’s trying to hide, and that makes the scolding that comes later feel worthwhile.)

he listens to the radio too loud while he does chores or pretends to do his homework, turns it up even louder when the lady from apartment 308 comes knocking at the door, undoubtedly to tell him to keep it down in there. there comes a day when he finally opens the door, ignoring every warning his parents had so persistently burned into his mind. before she can speak a single word, he takes the chance to say, “my dad told me you’re angry all the time ‘cause you’re going through a mid-life crisis. i thought you’d be older.” 

he watches her mouth open, close, open, then close again ― evidently, she doesn’t know what to say. when she speaks, her tone reeks of momentary defeat. “your dad told me that you’re eleven, so i thought you’d have learned how to be respectful by now. i guess we were both wrong.”

“i guess so.” the door shuts, locks. he turns the radio back on, louder.

as emotional intelligence puts roots in his brain, acts of blatant disrespect become less frequent but he’s still difficult to predict, impossible to control. a diagnosis of adhd at age 13 turns out to be half the explanation for his fluctuating energy levels, lack of impulse control and forgetfulness, but the consequences of these symptoms are still attributed to having no manners, no home training. condescension from teachers leads to an inherent disdain for a school system that doesn’t serve him, and it turns into hatred the first time his 8th grade homeroom teacher calls him out for the eyeliner he’s wearing.

“the girls aren’t allowed to wear makeup to school, so what made you believe that it would be okay for you to do so?” he asks right after attendance, staring 14-year old daesung in the eyes. he’s lost somewhere between not caring at all and being on high-alert from the embarrassment of the whole class turning to look at him, at his eyes.

“i didn’t realize that the girls had anything to do with me,” he snaps, smart-ass tone contradicting the nervous cracking of his knuckles. “there’s nothing about makeup in the boys’ dress code. if it’s that big of a deal, maybe it should be updated. let me know when it is.”

it’s a terrible way to start off 8th grade year, results in a series of miniature battles between him and the teacher. back-talking that lands him in the hallway with a stack of textbooks held over his head, though they’re dropped on the ground as soon as he’s not being watched ― he takes time-outs as personal breaks, which is later called defiance though it seems like his teacher has no desire to take daesung’s behavioral issues to anyone higher in the chain. on the occasions that he has gate duty, he always calls daesung out, makes him wait ‘til the gates close, then marks him tardy and makes him run laps first thing in the morning.

fair enough.

daesung’s playing a slow game, though, and he eventually lets his teacher think that he’s won. he stops wearing the eyeliner until finals season comes, and then he packs it on heavy, aiming to be called out. the eyeliner isn’t the surprise, though ― it’s the needle and ring in his pocket, pulled out after he’s done scrubbing his makeup off in the sink.

it’s a move made in an act of immature rebellion, and he knows that the purchase hadn’t been the best use of his accumulated lunch money. even as he leans in closer to the mirror, gets the ring attached to the needle and takes aim, he thinks about how the how-to page he’d read had specifically said not to do this in a dingy bathroom, and here he is ―

what’s the worst that can happen?

one, two, oh, fuck. he’s not expecting the blood, and he’s certainly not expecting to have to push and prod the needle until it finally slips through, and he’s not prepared to have to tug at the ring to get it to come loose from the needle and sit presentably on his lip. by the time he’s done, his eyes are bloodshot from unshed tears. he spits one final time, splashes cold sink water against his teeth and against the piercing to wash away the remnants of red. 

it doesn’t turn out to be the power-move he expects it to be, because the school year comes to a close two weeks later and all he’s got to show for it is an infuriated mother, a handful of kids who think he’s lost his mind and a near-infected lip.

it seems to be the last of his raging rebellion ― anger dispels, mischief takes its place. he ends up a trainee under one of the biggest idol companies in the country, and no one fully understands ― not even the other trainees, given the all work and no play expectations shaken by his all play and no work mentality. it feels like all the company employees have his picture and name on some secret list because every time something goes wrong, he’s the first to be questioned. not that he doesn’t deserve it, though; he’s the boy who convinces in-house chefs that yes, he’s supposed to be given bigger portions than everyone else, it’s a health condition. he’s the boy who disrupts practice hours by connecting his phone to blue-tooth speakers. he’s the boy who hides from his responsibilities in narrow, dim corners. he’s the boy everyone expects to drop out, or be kicked out ―

not to be selected for a competition show.

it clears his assumptions that the company has some kind of personal vendetta against him, but it doesn’t make him take the situation more seriously in any way. during his first personal interview, he’s asked, “what do you think you bring to the competition?” and instead of giving an immediate answer, he plays dumb. he doesn’t know why he does it. it’s an impulse, maybe meant to draw time out, make things a little more complicated than they have to be.

“this is a competition?” he questions, and after slowly nodding along to an explanation that he’d already heard an abundance of times, his answer is, “i’m bringing the spirit. i’ll make it fun.”

as the show progresses, the clueless act strengthens ― he’s always asking why, why, why, like a kid on a mission to irritate their parents. criticism sets in, both from instructors and at-home viewers. he hardly cares.

by the time that debut comes, everyone’s made their minds up about him already.

he’s shameless. he’s dense. he’s dumb.

he supposes that they’re not wrong, though; there’s certainly something shameless in the way he interrupts and talks over others, on a constant mission to steal the spotlight. it’s too much, he’s told. he’s too much. a reputation that follows him around for years to come, even once he picks some locks and sneaks his way right into the public’s hearts. he’s annoying in an endearing way, and after a bit of trial and error, he learns just the right ways to draw laughter from crowds ― decides that if he can just make people laugh, they’ll learn to love him. if he can bring a little bit of happiness, then the inconveniences that come with his presence will always be forgiven.

it’s this inherent trust in his ability to be forgiven that he continues to push his luck, break rules, let reminders go in one ear and out the other ―

he’s told that dating is discouraged, but dating fans is completely banned. naturally, his first girlfriend is someone he met at a signing. when he gets caught―not by a manager, but by a close friend―his excuse is that he didn’t know because she never explicitly stated that she knew anything about impulse. (a blatant lie, if her profile picture of their logo is anything to go by).

he sweet-talks his manager into letting him use his card for dinner, promises to return it soon ― then goes clubbing instead and buys rounds for the pretty girl who keeps one hand on his knee, then on his shoulder, then around his shoulders; getting closer and closer, then leaving as soon as he stops paying. (i was hungry, he lies, and i wanted something expensive).

he’s reminded well in advance to be prepared for one of impulse’s trips abroad, then waits until twenty minutes before boarding to reveal that he doesn’t know where his passport is. watches chaos unfold, and pulls his passport out of his pocket with five minutes to spare. “i guess i didn’t stick my hand deep enough in my pocket,” he shrugs, howling with laughter during a sprint across the building, convinced that his group and manager’s annoyance with him won’t last. 

he’s called out for scratching his head too much, comes across a compilation while sneaking around on stan twitter. he can hear a manager’s voice in the back of his head, telling him he should never post anything that could cause a scandal or address any rumors without consulting the company first. naturally, he spends three hours perfecting an apology letter for having lice ― something that isn’t true, but causes a minor stir all the same.

before he knows it, he’s twenty-four and he’s still too much, always too much. it doesn’t matter how mellow he thinks he’s becoming, the reminders that he needs to grow up seem to be lurking around every corner. he nods along absently, but nothing seems to change, and he only reveals the mature side of him―the part that became an adult long before adulthood hit―in fleeting moments, or when he’s with his closest friends.

in any other situation, he remains hwang daesung, the jester. the menace. the prankster. the inconvenience. whatever nickname is bestowed upon him, he’ll accept; he has no interest in telling people what they should or shouldn’t think of him. 

daesung’s apartment is a very strong representation of who he is as a person. however... he’s only been moved in since march ‘19 and while that seems like a long enough time to get his shit together, if he had done it on his own, he’d still have boxes everywhere. had the help of professional movers & an interior designer in getting his place set up. (i say “help”... daesung didn’t lift a finger LOL)

lives in a 2 bedroom apartment, really wanted a roommate, but that’s complicated when you’re an idol and none of his friends agreed and he ended up turning the second bedroom into a home studio even tho he’s def not skilled enough to warrant that. he just thought it’d sound cool to tell people “yeah i have a home studio haha” and also what the fuck else was he gonna do with a whole spare room

his studio is usually the neatest part of his home because that’s where he keeps most of his instruments, his record collection and some other music equipment which he keeps surprisingly organized, so that’s also the only room that he tends to show off <3 if he’s doing a livestream, he’s prob chilling in there. 

as for the rest of his apartment...

it’s hell

always messy. anyone who has visited his place has definitely walked in and been the embodiment of the “damn bitch, you live like this?” meme, so he simply stopped inviting people over. only his best best best friends can come over now

for the most part, it’s just ‘cause he has such a ridiculous amount of shit. he grew up poor and now that he has money, he buys everything that he wants. everything. this results in him not having anywhere to put his belongings, and he ultimately started mounting things on the walls because he has no other space!!!!! you think the shoe racks, guitars and skateboards hanging from his walls are stylistic decisions but really they’re desperate pleas for floor space.

he has a lot of ~nifty~ repurposed amps around his apartment that serve as cabinets. you can never guess what you’re gonna find in there. jewelry? snacks? dirty laundry? nail polish? childhood pictures? his dog’s chew toys? who knows...

one of them serves as a mug cabinet. why is his mug cabinet in the middle of his living room? idk... don’t ask. most of the time, there aren’t any clean mugs in it. they’re all piled on top with thin layers of coffee that he didn’t finish just chillin in ‘em... marinating.. yk

has a lot of random knick-knacks all over the place. weird antique shit he picked up while shopping on tour, little clown figurines, cute tea-light holders, half-dead plants in hand-painted pots, empty coke and beer cans that he keeps for ~sentimental purposes~ (aka he has his blinders turned on and doesn’t see them anymore)

has two tvs, one in the bedroom and one in the living room. has a collection of gaming systems stored in the hall closet (wii, xbox 360, xbox one, ps2, ps3, ps4). his gaming preferences are constantly changing but rn he likes the ps4 the best so that’s what he has hooked up in the living room. has decided that the living room tv is for gaming and the bedroom tv is for watching movies

artwork everywhere. he’s the type of person who sees empty space and immediately thinks about how he can fill it so he’s constantly adding even MORE stuff to the walls as if they aren’t cramped enough already. has some framed album covers, some movie posters, but mainly it’s like. paintings he picked up while on tour or gifts from fans

every drawer is a junk drawer

has a few randomly-placed lava lamps. does he need a lava lamp in the bathroom? probably not. but he thinks it creates a nice ambience

uses diffusers to scent his apartment. mainly prefers bright/fruity scents for cologne but surprisingly he prefers earthy scents for his home. likes palo santo the most

but imagine palo santo mixed with 3-day old takeout because this man never cooks