The Dads of Comedy

DAD AT THE AMUSEMENT PARK

There was a swing, a crazy boat ride, a roller coaster.  And, then there was nausea.

Marc Kaye July 31, 2015

I had a simple job - two blog posts per week for Dads of Comedy. I mean, really, how difficult could it be?

Well, apparently just difficult enough. However, in an effort to explain rather than provide excuses, here is what I have been doing when I should have been entertaining you fine people with yet another witty blog post:

1) Closing my kids' drawers - all of them over and over and over again. They actually have wheels on the tracks that make them easy to close but over-texting has made it impossible for them to uncurl their fingers enough to push them in.

2) Picking up all their cheese stick wrappers, Gatorade bottles, fruit roll up plastic pieces, tissues, napkins and miscellaneous lint balls.

3) Banging my head against the wall - a lot. I am not sure what it is about summer but it puts inappropriate conversations and inputs from teens and tweens into overdrive. I work. A lot. I can't drink (adult beverages) or indulge in primal screams where others can hear me so head banging is my only option. The head pain dulls the anxiety.

4) Collecting wet towels, half used bottles of sun tan lotion, crumpled up money for the pool snack bar and what appear to be very old, wet bathing suits long forgotten.

5) Planning a great vacation for the kids that they have no interest in taking - like none whatsoever.

6) Searching for my son's missing library books while simultaneously planning a charity event to pay for the fines.

7) Playing "hide and seek" with every single iPhone, iPad and laptop charger that used to be exist somewhere in my home.

8) Ignoring the weeds in my yard. That takes incredible fortitude and creativity and as such, lots of time. I mean some of these weeds are tree size.

DAD BOD - PART III

The Dad Bod phenomenon continues to sweep the globe.  Why and what causes it?

WHY: Dads tend to thicken when they realize they no longer are going to have sex and, thus, no longer have a need to stay in shape.

WHAT CAUSES IT: People think it’s from high-carb diets and beer.  It is.  But, it’s also from eating your hopes and dreams.  That’s filling.

As the weekend approaches,  we thought we'd provide our top dad activities for the weekend.

1. Nap

2. Nap

3. Pretend to nap to avoid family

4. Volunteer to go to store to avoid real chores

My fellow Dad of Comedy recently wrote on Dad Bod, and as a coincidence, I was taking notes on this very subject myself...read on!

I have heard that #dadbod is in - whatever that means. Whenever I hear something is "in', I generally run the either direction.

I am on vacation with my kids this week. For those of you who follow me - all 2 of you - that means vacation with me and a 14 year-old boy and his 12 year-old sister. And, I am divorced - or getting there. So, "dad bod", if in fact it is in, is of somewhat interest to me. I need to know what I am up against.

Let me explain the main components of the dad bod and where they reside.

1. Love handles - those misnamed physical accompaniments that have NEVER, and I repeat, NEVER, been the subject of any #menshealth headlines, are apparently acceptable for the dad bod. They continue, however, to be largely ignored and non-impressive to said teenagers.

2. Man boobs - those things that, if it were not for hair follicles, would make one wonder: "is this a nude beach?", are still not part of the aforementioned dad bod. They are, however, a subject of much speculation with my kids given recent developments with Caitlyn Jenner.

3. The vertical/horizontal man-drift - let me explain. You know that thing you get (as a man) where your stomach can form 4 somewhat even 'slices" based on the vertical mid-section and the horizontal line often started or prominent between the bottom of the chest and the top of the waist? Again, not in. Though - in moderation - perfectly acceptable as per the dad bod guidelines.

4. Confidence - definitely the pre-eminent characteristic of the dad bod and one that I have never, nor ever, will posses. I can't walk as confidently as these non-shirted, dad-bod dads with my shirt on as they do with it off. And that, my friends, is the reason dads and dad bods will always be in. After dealing with kids, it really doesn't matter any more. That is the essence of Dad Bod.

As we kick into high-gear this Summer, time to break out your Dad bod!  Here’s a couple of tips:

1. The belly to chest ratio should be at least 1.25 to 1.  If you’ve been doing pushups and have a 40 inch chest, you need to have a 50 inch waist.

2. No manscaping.  The dad-bod only works if those hairs are going this way and that.

3. Also, no suntan lotion.  You need to rock the weird plaid-patterns you can only get by wearing a shirt and burning on the exposed parts of your bod.

4. Facial hair is a must.  Preferably if it has bbq scraps in it.

So there's a ton of press about how the movie #InsideOut has brought attention to the importance of #emotions and the role they all have in healthy development, particularly for #kids.

I couldn't agree more. In fact, I have taken it upon myself to show you how to choose the emotion you would like to represent and reframe the issue appropriately.

Issue: Your child continues to blow you off about cleaning his or her room.

Goal: Get your kid to clean the #$%^&*!!! room!

Emotional Response Options:

1. Joy - "I am so psyched that you decided not to clean your room because now I don't have to worry about where to put the litter box. It fits right in! This is going to be so awesome!"

2. Surprise - "Wowza! All this stuff in one place? Let me take some pics because this is going to be so awesome on my Instagram page. I think we might win the contest for the next episode of Hoarders!"

3. Anger - "I swear, if you don't clean up this room stat, not only will I take your door off it's hinge, I'm going to tie you to it and put you both out to the curb along with as many trash bags as it takes to clear this crap out!"

4. Sadness - "It really hurts me that you are removed from the sense of pride that a clean room would give you...that and how a dirty room makes dolphins and angels sad."

5. Disgust - "I can't even look at you without seeing your piles of crap from your room! I can't believe that this is how you value our relationship!"*

* Disgust is a good opportunity to leverage Guilt, as well.

As dads, we know that sometimes we have the answers. Not often, but sometimes.  Here are questions for which we definitely have answers (for more check us out on Twitter using #askdad):

1. #Dad can I have allowance? Yes. I will allow u to keep living in the house. #askdad

2. Why do #dads really matter? Why it’s for the amazing excuses of course. #askdad

3. What's the next #holiday after #FourthofJuly? The day u go to sleepaway camp. #askdad

4. #Dad do I have to go to #sleep? Stay up forever if u want. Just remember that when ur 18 u can not sleep someplace not in my house. #askdad

5. Is it wrong to tell our 3 y.o. that ice cream and television will stunt his growth? #askdad 

6."Are we there yet?" #askdad 

7. How to remove tricky #stains from clothing? Spill on someone else, so no one will notice ur clothes. #askdad

8. #Dad can I have ice cream? Yes, if by "ice cream" you mean #broccoli #askdad 

9. If at first u don't succeed, try a few more times on ur own before u wake #dad from his #nap #askdad

Why do dads really matter? Why it's for the amazing excuses of course. #askdad

Here are my daughter's favorites:

1. "I'm sorry I'm late - my dad keeps forgetting where his wallet is and it has his license.'

2. "Can (insert friend's name here) come over here instead? My dad said he drank a lot of his happy juice and shouldn't drive right now."

3. "I didn't get to Sunday school because my dad said that cleanliness is next to godliness and we're going to home school today."

4. "I don't need to take health class because I already learned about sex from my dad...oh, and about capital punishment, too."

5. "My hair looks this way because my dad had to help me do it this morning."

6. "I thought a shower once a week was fine in order to not dry out my skin. That's what my dad told me anyhow."

7. "I'm this white because my dad taught me how to apply sun tan lotion every 2-3 minutes."

8. "It's not my fault - I learned to pitch from my dad."

9. "I didn't get my homework done because my dad was too busy making me watch some stupid 80s movie."

The Fourth of July is upcoming.  Time to celebrate the works of the Founding Fathers.  Several things to remember on the 4th:

1. Remember, it’s a bbq, not a chance to see if you can use enough lighter fluid to launch the grill to outer space

2. Kids and fireworks never mix (unless it’s someone else’s kids)

3. Ben Franklin did not say that the national drink shall be a shot of Jack and a beer, but it doesn’t mean he wouldn’t have been in favor.

4. Bald Eagles are very cool, BUT it doesn’t mean that you should have one in the house 

5. If nothing else, the 4th of July is THE day to mock politicians

6. It is every dad’s unalienable right to nap on July 4th, that is a truth that is self-evident.

7. No one’s actually ever read the Declaration of Independence and Constitution in full, so for all your family knows, the documents guarantee the right to watch baseball on the 4th of July.

8. Yes, it’s true that women did not have the right to vote when the country was founded, but no dad should mention that to any mom on July 4th (or any other day for that matter).

9. Hamburger or hot dog? Why force yourself to choose?

July 4th is coming up.  The nation’s birthday.

Here’s a question -- how come the symbol we so often see on the 4th is Uncle Sam?  What about Dad?  Dad’s your immediate family.  Dad’s the one who plays catch with you.  Dad’s the one who barbecues till he himself is charred from standing over a flaming hot pit of coals.

What the heck does your uncle do -- teach you how to drink surreptitiously so that Dad doesn’t find out? 

Nothing wrong with uncles, but let’s face it -- playing ball, eating grilled meats, debating sports, politics, and religion (all the things that bring families together and push them apart on July 4th) -- that’s dad’s domain.

According to my kids, I am the ONLY dad in town who:

1. Won't let my kids wander around town with kids I haven't met for 8 hours at a time 2. Makes them play 20 minutes of piano a whole four times a week 3. Makes them wear a helmet when biking "only a mile" to the town pool 4. Thinks that they need to wear sunscreen more than once a day 5. Gives a sh*t if we have dinner together.

But in all fairness, according to me, they are the ONLY kids in town who: 1. Haven't figured out how to close their drawers 2. Push down the trash under the sink 3. Would go an entire month without a shower without constant prompting 4. Wear 1 outfit that serves as bathing suit, outfit for the movies and pajamas 5. Need to just relax after just waking up.

This is Alex Barnett (@barnettcomic).  Alex is the resident neurotic of the Dads of Comedy, so when he isn’t worrying about something he’s usually busy worrying about the fact that he isn’t worried.  

Nevertheless, or maybe because of his anxieties and neuroses, Alex is a great guy and a great dad, and he recently sat down with his fellow members of the Dads of Comedy to provide a little more info about who he is and about his life as a dad:

1.     How many kids do you have? One.  But, my wife and I aren’t very tall, so sometimes, it just seems like we have a third roommate.

2.     How did you prepare yourself for fatherhood? I watched a lot of Courtship of Eddie’s Father and told myself that it would be nothing like that, since parenting doesn’t come in 30 minute segments with commercial breaks.

3.     What was the best and worst advice you received? Best advice was go with your gut.  Worst advice was go with your gut.

4.     How did you control yourself from posting every waking moment on social media? I didn’t. The only thing that stopped me was the limited storage capacity of our camera’s memory stick.

5.     How has being a dad changed your comedy routine? It’s given me way more material and made me funnier and given me far less opportunity to prove either of those things.

by Marc Kaye

It’s only been a couple of days since my kids are off from school and already, my mind is swelling with innovative ideas that are ripe with revenue possibilities. Take a look! 

Lint Removal Shorts - kid stuck on the couch and/or floor the whole day? No problem - our patented lint shorts are made with the same lint removal material you use to get all that nasty cat hair off your sweater. Now, all you have to do is roll that lazy kid’s ass from side to side and Voila! That couch is as good as new.

Annoy yourself to a bigger chest and muscles. Non-stop dinging coming in from your kids’ cell phone? Like all freaking day? Even after asking to put it on silence? No problem! Simply drop down and give me 5 every time you have a ding and before you know it, guns won’t be just something you thought you had to ward off mettling teenagers with. They’ll be popping directly from your arms, too!

Implantable Detergent Clothing - sure, your kids leave their crap everywhere, and we mean everywhere. Not an issue! With our patented all inclusive detergent filled sensor technology, simply activate your kids’ clothes built-in technology via app and before you know it, the detergent pod is released, water and all, and it will be washed on the spot. That way, since your kids never pick their stuff up anyway, when they do - it will be newly cleaned and washed.

BarPool/CarPool Uber - last minute, never ending requests to drive your kids to everywhere and anywhere?Join our BarPool/CarPool Uber program and parents will share the duty and those not driving (adults over 18) will enjoy the parents only wet bar at the back of each of our vans.

Genetic Code Charging Stations - tired of sharing all your charges with your kids only to have half of them ever be returned to you, if at all? With the new fingerprint and retina scan technology built in directly to your customized charger, only you can plug it in. It simply will not work if one of your kids tries to charge their device. In fact, their entire device will shut down for 24 hours.

This is Marc Kaye (@MarcKaye1) aka “Marc” (not to be confused with the Dads of Comedy’s “Mark” (Mark Riccadonna).  Marc has a variety of aliases -- though they are written in Hebrew and/or Yiddish so we don’t know how to translate them.  One thing’s for certain, Marc is a true mensch, a great guy, and a fantastic dad, and he recently sat down with his fellow members of the Dads of Comedy to provide a little more info about who he is as a dad:

1.      How did you prepare yourself for fatherhood?  I talked to a lot of people – mistake.  Read every book my wife told me to – bigger mistake. After a while, I just relied on Cosby re-runs…0 for 3.

2.      What was the best and worst advice you received? Best advice – don’t sweat the small stuff. Little did I realize that small stuff would feel so big at the time –like the never ending saga of trying to get my son to potty train or my daughter to swallow her food and not hoard it like a chipmunk. But they were right.  Worst advice – “you need to make a lot more money.”  I had someone instill the fear of not having enough to give my kids the best. I don’t have enough money to give them the best. No kid needs the best of everything or anything anyway.  They get love, food, shelter, water and a way to stay safe while daddy sneaks in a drink.  That’s plenty.

3.      What do you have to do with the baby even though you think it's ridiculous? Keeping a diary of the color of their poops  - I was so tempted to send it to Crayola for a new set of crayon colors.

4.      What do you like most about being a parent?  The crazy love you feel for your kids even if they can’t return it all the time as they get older. It’s a bond that is indescribable…that, and how fun it is to embarrass them as they get older – that’s the best.

5.        Favorite Dad Joke.. Yours? Someone’s? Street Joke?  My son turned to me in the car and said “dad – I just want you to know you didn’t annoy  me as much this week.”  I was glad to hear it because I was really trying to listen to him – you know, about how he doesn’t like when I do too much talking…..or breathing. It’s those little hallmark moments that really tug at your heartstrings.

For more about Marc (not Mark), please check out http://marc-kaye.com//

Fatherhood is a never-ending education. Let me impart these new found wisdoms upon you so that you, too, can benefit:

1. Nipple Twister - the strange mix of pleasure and pain experienced by placing a large clothespin like refrigerator magnet on a nipple

2. "I gotchu" (pronounced "eye gotch-you") - common phrase used when asked to take out the garbage or pick up one's socks for the 1000th time, often accompanied with a hand gesture but usually not followed by actually taking out the garbage or picking up the socks.          

3. "chhhhh" - low, throaty gutterral sound in response to any parental commentary, often accompanied by an eye roll.

4. Snow does not mean that shorts, a t-shirt and flip flops are inappropriate attire. Teenage body temperatures are apparently way warmer than the normal human adult.                                                                                              

5. Pants pockets are just as revealing as teenage texts. Take my word for it #askdad

6. Young dating isn't official until Instagram shows it is.

7. Preface anything with "I gotta say" and your hip hop cred goes up by at least 10 points. (Example: "I gotta say, my abs are definitely getting ripped.") #hiphop

8. The penis is both a noun...and an object. #grammar

9. There is apparently some sort of teenage boy Guinness Book of World Records contest for who can eat their dinner the fastest. My kid holds the record at 41 seconds. #guinnessbookofworldrecords