#askdad

My fellow Dad of Comedy recently wrote on Dad Bod, and as a coincidence, I was taking notes on this very subject myself...read on!

I have heard that #dadbod is in - whatever that means. Whenever I hear something is "in', I generally run the either direction.

I am on vacation with my kids this week. For those of you who follow me - all 2 of you - that means vacation with me and a 14 year-old boy and his 12 year-old sister. And, I am divorced - or getting there. So, "dad bod", if in fact it is in, is of somewhat interest to me. I need to know what I am up against.

Let me explain the main components of the dad bod and where they reside.

1. Love handles - those misnamed physical accompaniments that have NEVER, and I repeat, NEVER, been the subject of any #menshealth headlines, are apparently acceptable for the dad bod. They continue, however, to be largely ignored and non-impressive to said teenagers.

2. Man boobs - those things that, if it were not for hair follicles, would make one wonder: "is this a nude beach?", are still not part of the aforementioned dad bod. They are, however, a subject of much speculation with my kids given recent developments with Caitlyn Jenner.

3. The vertical/horizontal man-drift - let me explain. You know that thing you get (as a man) where your stomach can form 4 somewhat even 'slices" based on the vertical mid-section and the horizontal line often started or prominent between the bottom of the chest and the top of the waist? Again, not in. Though - in moderation - perfectly acceptable as per the dad bod guidelines.

4. Confidence - definitely the pre-eminent characteristic of the dad bod and one that I have never, nor ever, will posses. I can't walk as confidently as these non-shirted, dad-bod dads with my shirt on as they do with it off. And that, my friends, is the reason dads and dad bods will always be in. After dealing with kids, it really doesn't matter any more. That is the essence of Dad Bod.

Why do dads really matter? Why it's for the amazing excuses of course. #askdad

Here are my daughter's favorites:

1. "I'm sorry I'm late - my dad keeps forgetting where his wallet is and it has his license.'

2. "Can (insert friend's name here) come over here instead? My dad said he drank a lot of his happy juice and shouldn't drive right now."

3. "I didn't get to Sunday school because my dad said that cleanliness is next to godliness and we're going to home school today."

4. "I don't need to take health class because I already learned about sex from my dad...oh, and about capital punishment, too."

5. "My hair looks this way because my dad had to help me do it this morning."

6. "I thought a shower once a week was fine in order to not dry out my skin. That's what my dad told me anyhow."

7. "I'm this white because my dad taught me how to apply sun tan lotion every 2-3 minutes."

8. "It's not my fault - I learned to pitch from my dad."

9. "I didn't get my homework done because my dad was too busy making me watch some stupid 80s movie."

According to my kids, I am the ONLY dad in town who:

1. Won't let my kids wander around town with kids I haven't met for 8 hours at a time 2. Makes them play 20 minutes of piano a whole four times a week 3. Makes them wear a helmet when biking "only a mile" to the town pool 4. Thinks that they need to wear sunscreen more than once a day 5. Gives a sh*t if we have dinner together.

But in all fairness, according to me, they are the ONLY kids in town who: 1. Haven't figured out how to close their drawers 2. Push down the trash under the sink 3. Would go an entire month without a shower without constant prompting 4. Wear 1 outfit that serves as bathing suit, outfit for the movies and pajamas 5. Need to just relax after just waking up.