Recently, North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory (R) signed a bill into law which rescinds local anti-discrimination laws and ordinances, including a Charlotte ordinance which would have specifically ensconced the rights of transgender individuals to use bathrooms which conform with their gender identity. In a special session of the legislature, endorsed by McGrory (whose website states he âis keeping spending under control by reducing government spendingâ) and at a cost of $42,000 daily to North Carolina taxpayers, the General Assembly bravely stared down the pressing crisis of individuals peeing in bathrooms which may or may not match the appearance of their genitals. And they didnât go far enough. Before I elaborate, allow me to catch everybody up on acronyms and terminology, so weâre all speaking the same language. Lesbian, Bisexual, Gay, Transgender, Queer, Intersex, Asexual and Allies (LGBTQIA) is an acronym which covers much but not all of the gender and sexuality spectrum. Cisgendered or Cis people are those of us lucky enough to have our physical characteristics and genitals match the gender with which we identify. In basic science, this means our phenotype (expressed genetics) and the gender we perceive ourselves to be align. Note that it is possible or even likely that we have yet not mapped genes relating to any letter of the LGBTQIA acronym. Transgender or Trans people are those of us whose expressed genetics (phenotype) does not match the gender we perceive ourselves to be. Trans people may have the outward appearance and reproductive organs of a male, but identify as female or vice versa. It is important to note that transgender and crossdresser are not the same thing. Individuals who are trans may have started to transition (made their outward appearance match their gender identity), completely transitioned (had gender reassignment surgery to make their reproductive organs align with their gender identity), or have not transitioned at all (they appear physically as one gender, but their gender identity does not align with this appearance). Intersex people fall somewhere other than the broadly defined poles of âmaleâ and âfemaleâ on the gender spectrum. Their gender identity and/or reproductive organs may have characteristics typically considered male and female, or may fall on a spectrum between the two. In no case is someone elseâs gender identity or the status of their reproductive organs any of your business unless and until they choose to include you in this aspect of their life. Now that weâre singing from the same hymnal, you may remember that I previously declared North Carolinaâs HB2 did not go far enough. This bill effectively prohibits cities and towns from allowing trans people to use restrooms which align with their gender identity. However, since trans people may be transitioning or may have completely transitioned, we gravely imperiled cis folk have no way to know whatâs under that skirt or in those dungarees! So, HB2 should probably have required all North Carolinians and those wishing to urinate in North Carolina to carry birth certificates which clearly identify with which genitals you were born. Sorry, intersex individuals, I guess youâll just have to hold it until you get to Pedroâs South of the Border. Next, it should have established a special unit of police to demand to see the papers of those wishing to enter restrooms, or who appear to hopping from leg to leg. You know, to prevent someone from peeing in a closed stall next to you with genitals which might not be identical to your own. You know, ââPapers Please,â Before You Peeâ could be the marketing slogan. But, that sounds expensive. All that demanding to see papers would take taxpayer money, and we already learned how fiscally responsible old Gov. McGrory happens to be. So instead, NC should probably just tattoo everyoneâs wrist with their phenotype at birth. Then, we could just empower our already existing police to demand to see your tattoo and genitals at any time. If somebodyâs outward appearance or genitals didnât match their tattoo, North Carolina could have legislated that these people would have to wear some kind of badge on their coat. Then everyone could see whether or not these people had the same or different genitals than them, and whether or not they were peeing in a closed stall in a bathroom with the wrong genitals! However, North Carolinians would then have to be confronted with just how many trans people are living among them. Maybe people they consider friends, customers, colleagues, or neighbors are transgendered and they never knew. Also, not that any cis people have anything to hide, but us good, law-abiding, citizens donât need to be harassed on the regular by big-government police! Thatâs for brown people. Also, weâre not hiding anything, we just have small hands. So, that level of harassment would never do, it would really be better to just make the problem go away. The General Assembly should have just funded a few camps, where trans people could be concentrated. Then, they could live among their own kind, peeing God-knows-where-so-long-as-itâs-not-in-that-stall-next-to-me-where-I-canât-see-them-anyway. That sounds like a good final solution, right North Carolina? Maybe that would be far enough? Oh right. Except that part about gender identity being none of your business. Until the Supreme Court strikes down HB2-actually, until North Carolina voters replace their garbage, Goebbels government with one which will not codify discrimination based on basic biological factors, Iâll be saving my money for South of the Border along with my pee.