#dadding

Im back!

Okay, update. We are now at the end of week 39. Almost. And baby is still not here.

We know what we are having, we have a name picked out, we have pretty much everything ready and waiting but the baby is just not budging, yet.

What has it been like for me over the past however many months as a dad to be?

Surprisingly, quite fine. People have stopped being rude or making jokes that piss me off, and we had a baby class where they actually spent a lot of time focussing on helping the dads-to-be and how to ensure we aren’t excluded from everything.

There are still some people who are insulting or rude or keep making the “You looking forward to babysitting” jokes, but I just actively walk away from them now. It’s tiring.

One thing that does still wind me up is Paternity Leave. In the UK you get 1-2 weeks paternity leave offered by your company, and that’s it. I was chatting to someone at work a few weeks back and she said “Oh 2 weeks that’s ages! I would have expected it to be less, you’re a man, how can you help?”

Now, firstly. She has no kids and has never been pregnant so she doesn’t really know what she’s on about. I checked with her before answering. Secondly, how can I help? Well. If the wife has a C section, and is told to not pick anything heavy up for 2 months (like my sister in law was told) then how will she pick up the baby, or anything around the house? After a C section they are told to rest, how can they rest if there is not someone in the house helping them out?

It just pissed me off, alright. No reason to talk like that to someone.

But, just to stick it up to them, we are doing shared parental leave as I mentioned in my previous post at week 24. I will be taking an extra 4 weeks dotted around to assist Mrs H and Baby H.

We went to buy a rocking chair. Or a nursing chair. Or whatever you wish to call them.

We went to so many stores, and it is amazing how few bother to have any out for people to try.

But we did find one, and found a chair we like, but we are not buying from that store.

Why? Because Mrs H. wanted my input on the chair. She wanted me to try it out to make sure I was comfortable in it as well, as there would be times when I would inevitably need to use it for feeding or calming the baby down etc.

I was fine with that, but the people in the store were not. Thy saw me sitting down and instantly came over to tell me that the priority of for the mother to try out the chair and ensure she likes it. According to this store worker, I will never have to use it and won't ever sit in the chair, which is just clearly wrong.

It was frustrating, but we ignored them and continued having me try out the chair with Mrs H, before deciding on one and purchasing from babyplanet instead.

Their loss.

And it comes with a baby carrier, a car seat, lots of other stuff.

That was fun, purchasing that at a baby show.

What wasn't fun was at the show, being completely ignored by all the people at the stalls. We had gone to a previous show and there was a single stall that made any effort to actually engage and speak with me, the father. This time, however, not a peep. Eye contact permanently with Mrs H. and not a jot in my direction.

I get the whole "its the mother" who has to deal with everything, but tell me this. In this world, in today's day and age, everyone complains that the father is so rarely involved in this and doesn't take part. So why not put in some damn effort to engage with the father and make him feel like he is a part.

"Oh the father never helps with x" people say, that may have been true and sadly that may still be true, but if you want that to change then maybe you should be willing to engage with the father so he knows about bloody x.

Let's take the buggies as an example, there were loads of stalls for them, and they all spoke to Mrs H. I will be pushing the buggy as well, I will be folding it up, I will be using it. So why not discuss with me.

Mrs H. is fantastic, just to praise her for the moment. She made an effort constantly to ask me what my thoughts were, and to try to get someone to talk to me, but even during that they locked eyes with her and did not shift.

My apologies, as you can tell I am angry at this. The world wants change but never actually wants to do anything. You want fathers to be involved but you dont involve the fathers yourselves.

Anyway. We bought a buggy, a lovely buggy, and we are very excited for that to arrive.

Now we just need to wait for more stuff, next on our list to research, baby bottle sterilisers and stuff.

Aargh

So much clothing. so many clothes. Oh god.

We had been given six huge bags full of baby clothing, ranging from newborn to 12 months, from my Sister in Law. And sunday we decided to start going through it.

It took us three hours, but we whittled it down to the pieces we wanted (based on the baby's sex and if it looked nice enough), the pieces we didn't want, and pieces we had no clue what they are. I took the pieces from the last section to my parents to see if they could work it out, but they had no idea either. So those things are just going to vanish...

We then separated them into their relevant ages and took a tally of what we have. So many rompers! And, for some reason, between the ages of 3 months and 9 months, our baby has 8 hats...All bucket hats...Neither my niece nor my nephew, not their parents, did anything to do with parties or festivals, so I have no idea where they got the bucket hats from. But we have them now.

And our baby will look awesome in them, hopefully.

Not sure what makes you think this? Would be a strange thing to roleplay.

My mom was my primary parent. She was in charge of EVERYTHING. My dad was never able to hold up with her on that front (single income household with a stay at home mom) However, kids are extremely reliant on routines. It gives them security and stability. My dad would go off to work everyday before the rest of us had even woken up yet. So I would only ever get to see him once a day and that would be at 7pm when he came home. Everyday like clockwork he'd come through that door at 7pm. That was his routine and I can't tell you how absolutely reassuring that was as a kid. I didnt need him to do anything else for me. None of the things my mom would do. All I needed from him was to stick to his routine and always make sure to come home at 7pm. He never disappointed. And everyday when I heard the elevator door open and his keys jingle as he walked over to our apartment, I'd race over to the door, trying to open it before he could. Didnt matter what I was doing, I'd drop everything in an instant. That was our thing.

I'm an adult now. I could have my own kids by now. Trust me when I say, I cherish my dad equally as much as my mom. His contribution was just as meaningful as my mom's, even if she did 90% of the child raising. It doesn't matter. Kids dont keep track of how many times one parent changed diapers over the other or how often one parent prepared a bottle over the other. Kids just remember that their parent was always there.

And I agree with your uncle, every child is different and thus every family structure is different in its own way. But I can see that you're beating yourself up quite a bit as you're trying so hard to take off any and all burden from your wife. I totally understand the urge. She is currently losing out on many of her own routines and you two are in the process of developing new ones, if I didnt misunderstand your post. Just know that as much as my dad's 7pm-routine was giving me security, so did it for my mom. Him sticking to it gave her just as much peace of mind as it did for me back then.

What I'm trying to say is: you very likely won't become your baby's default parent, but that's ok. It's natural. And the best thing you can do to contribute is to just "be there" whichever way that may look. Maybe you'll be the parent who makes breakfast everyday and never skips a day. Maybe you'll be the parent who always picks the kids up from school, or drops them off, or whatever. You'll find your own spot, your own thing soon enough, don't worry. It will come naturally. It will creep up on you and one day you'll just be THAT parent with THAT very specific set of routine only YOU can provide for your child. And it will be the most reassuring thing for both Mrs. H and your baby.

Hope, I wasn't rude by sharing this. Again: not trying to give you advice, just wanted to share what stuck with me the most from my own early childhood. Wish you two the best of luck! I'm certain you'll be great parents. Take care!

Anyone who is worrying like me, needs to read this. I am sitting here with watery eyes now. This is something I needed to hear, I cannot thank you enough for saying this!