Daddy's Kajira

I am so struggling right now. I am struggling with things that I am sure many of you would judge me for... And tell me that the problems are my fault. I've let this happen... I've accepted the parameters and I should've known better...

And you'd be right. There was every reason for me to walk away.... I should have walked away.... But I stayed. And I will continue to stay....

But that doesn't make it any easier.... I am struggling to deal with the emotional pain that this brings... Not every day... Not even once a week.... But it's getting worse. The pain. The anxiety. It's getting more frequent... And I don't know how to handle it or what to do with it.

I'm not walking away. This sounds crazy... I don't want to. I don't want to walk away. I'm in love with him. He means the world to me. The pros outweigh the con. Over and over and over. It's amazing 95% of the time... He is the most amazing man I've ever met in my life and there is not a single human being in this planet that could make me feel more worthy, loved, beautiful, or perfect. He's so amazing.

But it's continually harder to deal with the 5% that sucks... It's just all very complicated and I just don't even know what to do, think, say, or feel.... I just don't know...

I had a good cry today... Maybe that'll help... There's just so much going on right now.... Losing a child, new job, new people, Daddy, being sick, dealing with family... It's just all so much and I just don't know how to keep juggling everything....

It's just so much....

Anyway... If you read this, you're awesome. Thank you. It feels good to get it off my chest.