baby doll

“When you start liking pain, things start to get interesting.”

“You don’t know distance until you’ve shared your bed with someone who’s falling out of love with you.”

“I remember that night in flashbacks. Like a movie. I slowly drowned in a river and my body wasn’t found until the sun hit my shining smile where people miles away could see it, Because even though you killed me I was happy it was you. If I got to die it was privilege that you were the one who did it. You made it quick You held your breath in and you spoke about the future and how much you loved the color blue but never about how much you loved me, And you breathed it out like it was the only sentence you knew “I don’t, and I won’t ever feel the same about you.” And I flatlined in your bedroom.”

To whoever loves me next, I’m sorry if I’m afraid of you or if days of flirting turn to radio silence, without warning. I’m sorry if I make you say the words over and over and over until I believe them. (I’m sorry if I don’t believe them.) I will probably spend more time worrying about losing you than I spend trying to keep you. Trouble is, every single time I’ve ever thought something was too good to be true– I’ve been right. Understand, I will know how to be vulnerable with you, but I won’t know how not to regret it. And I have no idea how deep we’ll be into this relationship before I admit I’ve never done this before. Not really. Not in any way that counts. Before I admit that I know how to put my body inside someone else’s but not how to make it beautiful. I probably won’t be easy to love. Too many people loved me badly, I’m not sure I know how to do it right.