Dirty Blonde Bisexual

Every time my extended family gets together in upstate ny, we (the Adults) all get wasted & at least 1 giant Family Scandal comes out…..tonight is that night..

We’ve Got A Winner Folks, And It Involves Arson AND A Nun!

So apparently my aunt cecelia (not really my aunt, just the best friend of my dads cousin, whomst we also call aunt) once married a dude referred to only as Florida Asshole. He was named such because he apparently left my aunt cecelia while she was in the hospital, stole all of their stuff, and fucked off to florida. Aunt cecelia then hired a p.i. to find him, as u do, and went down to florida with my dads cousin (who was going to florida for a work trip, and had no idea Florida Asshole was there). Apparently the p.i. told aunt cecelia which city the guy was in, but hadnt found the exact address yet, so ofc aunt cecelia did what any other able bodied half insane scorned person might. She went to a costume shop, bought a full nun costume, and went door to door under the assumption that she was collecting charity. (She did, in fact, donate everything she collected. This was an important fact to her). At one of the houses, she looked in the window and noticed an awful lot of furniture that used to be hers. So she, obviously, went to a gas station and bought several cans of gasoline, threw a molotov cocktail through the front window, and began pouring gasoline over the rest of the house. At this point, Florida Asshole came outside, recognized his ex wife looking like a renegade nun sent to punish him for his sins, and began beating her. The neighbors, seeing the strange new man beating a nun in his front yard while his house was on fire, did the only sensible thing in this story and called the police. Who promptly arrested Florida Asshole for assaulting a nun. Aunt cecelia did not get arrested, came clean to her best friend, and was immediately sent back to new york with a ticket bought under my other aunt’s name. We don’t know if she still has an arrest warrant out for her in florida, and that’s tonight’s Family Scandal!

hypothesis: the salt & pepper diner experiment can no longer be conducted as it stands, because everyone is now fully attuned to the opening bars of tom jones’ “what’s new pussycat?”, classically conditioned into a fight-or-flight response. however, this experience can be replicated using 21 back-to-back plays of lou bega’s 1999 hit song “mambo no. 5″, as the general response to “mambo no. 5″ being played twice in a row is not, “hey someone’s playing “mambo no. 5″ again,” but rather, “hey, lou bega’s 1999 hit song “mambo no. 5″ is a lot longer than i first thought.”

lads had a dream last night that i was at the elton john concert and halfway through crocodile rock he switched to a prince medley and real live flesh and blood prince walked out on stage, and into the stunned, hushed silence i said quietly, “i thought you were dead” and he looked straight at me through the crowds of a million people, put his mouth against the mic, and said “do i look like the kind of man who dies” absolute legend 

This wasn’t a dream this was a premonition

Literally being a girl feels like nonconsensual performance art

shuri constantly teases peter about how much more advanced wakanda is and he usually can’t tell that she’s kidding. he’ll be like “i should get some sleep now” and she’s like “you still have to sleep? lmfao” and peter lays awake trying to figure out if that was a joke

“I suppose the thing I was struck by was, we did have a guy who was reprimanded for weed on the [original Potter] film, essentially, so obviously what Johnny has been accused of is much greater than that.”

I appreciate that he’s just very “you fired a teenager for smoking weed but you’re going to defend a wife beater? Thanks for the job and everything but fuck all of you.” 

I like this meme because it applies to literally everyone on Earth

yesterday my roommate got mad at me because i saw him eating kit-kats and said “oh, so you’re a little kit-kat boy, are you?” and then i had a dream about him killing me

carrie fisher may not be on this earth anymore but she still has the biggest dick energy of them all and that’s a Fact