2021 and here’s to a happier me! Just wanna update this blog journal I have and to practice expressing myself again.

I lost the appetite on writing a journal for a while since there hasn’t been a much things I really want to remember and I don’t want to immortalize the sad stories I have. I would really be writing for things I am happy for starting today.

Since I was just there to pass time and flirt casually without the intention of meeting them in person. I don’t really chat the guys whose intention obviously is to hook up. Decent enough, most of the guys I matched with asked first why I’m there and how would the situation be. I liked it when they are just there same reason as me, looking for a little attention without the dramas. Someone you can talk about movies and music artists. Haha! I am currently constantly chatting with two different guys na I am interested in (not in jowa form but just for kilig).

I got matched with my AMath crush that used to be my classmate in a GE subject when we were sophomores! And we really clicked! I should’ve approached him in person before. But I was too young and insecure to talk to someone I had a crush. Wants to meet up and might go see im coz I think same level naman kami since both uplb and batchmate ko naman.

Another is the surfer guy na I find hot. He constantly asks me to hang out with him. He declared naman his intention na he wants to end it up to having sex. I told him I don’t sleep around so friendship lang kaya ko ioffer but the we still flirt each other and kinikilig ako so and ending talaga eh di ko sya ime-meet para lang di ako matukso kasi alam ko marupok ako.

And now as I right the first paragraph, I remember his last day of school (he was graduating, and I still have a year in college), I was so sad that thought it will be the last time we will see each other. We were never official and never knew when he’ll be back and when I’ll be seeing him again. When it’s time for him to go, he kissed me and a tear fell down my cheek. 

Last monday, December 17th was his 25th birthday. For weeks I was rocking my brains out how to greet him and finally talk about the upcoming vacation with him and his friends. So that night, I wished him ‘Happy birthday’ and asked about it right away. I get no response. I waited for hours and was hoping a night of familiar conversation, I assumed we can maintain a casual, just like the conversations we had during our first break up. So it then hit me, it’s either he is ignoring my messages or he blocked me on his phone. To confirm, I sent a message using my prepaid number, a plain “Happy birthday, Sam”. I was too hurt to wait if he will respond. I tried to comfort myself by saying he may be out of load or maybe he’s on site and couldn’t get a reception. In the morning I checked, there was a “Salamat po”  came from him. How could he respond to that unknown number and not mine? I couldn’t cry but I felt my heart got broken again. All my feelings made me blocked him in all social media sites and on my phone. I couldn’t continue waiting for his messages that will never come. I couldn’t lie to and make myself believe that one day, maybe out of the blue, he will ask how I was doing.