Swan Songs

GENEVIÈVE ELVERUM fundraiser

www.gofundme.com/elverum

Here is a thing I wrote:

Before I met her I carried around my love in a different way than I do now.  I used to walk around with my love held out in front of me, eager to show it off, singing about the details of every powerful personal experience, blabbing about places and dates, naming names, all in service to my high ideas about true authentic expression and powerful art.   After I met her I didn’t feel that way anymore.  The love we shared felt like a whole new category of human phenomenon, possibly never experienced by anyone anywhere, ever.  The idea of displaying it for strangers felt obscene and perverse.  It was too good for that, it felt too important.  Whatever priorities I’d previously placed on “authentic art” were superseded by this way more powerful personal thing.   We gradually built a bubble around our real everyday selves and the details of our life together.  Being both semi-public semi-known artists and musicians, we were participants in the constant self promotion and personality-making that comes with those roles, and we knew that it was time to think about where to draw the line, eventually settling into a comfortable ambiguity, not touring together anymore, not putting our names on each others’ things so much, not denying anything either, just not being all loud about our love.  I mean, just on a basic local level, we didn’t exactly walk down the street kissing.  Just as people we are not the p.d.a. types and our affection took place in private.  Seeing us hug was rare.  On the outside perhaps we resembled platonic housemates, but we were passionate and deeply in love, quiet and powerful.

Now things are happening within our bubble that compel us to adjust these boundaries, to let whoever in, and ask for help.  The cocoon phase is over.  Here are the specifics:

I met Geneviève in 2003 at a time when I wasn’t particularly aiming to fall in love.  I was happy to just be a solo wandering dude doing my thing.  We met and it was instant.  Each of us felt like we’d found our person.  No question.  After some international border confusion and many trips back and forth to Vancouver Island, she moved to Anacortes and we got married.  Some of our friends were freaked out by the speed of all this, while those who’d met us both understood.  The connection was clear.  Two people found each other from across a universe.   So it’s been 12 years of all kinds of projects and adventures and love. We collaborated a lot, but mostly we existed as 2 sovereign creative maniacs, not butting in too much to each others’ projects, and mostly keeping quiet about who we were married to.   We wanted a baby the whole time, pretty much from day one, but it just didn’t happen.  There were some years of frustration and sadness but probably not to the huge existential degree that some people have it.   We always both had so much going on that it didn’t seem like the end of the world to continue devoting so much time to these art and music projects.  In early 2014 we’d both found some kind of peace and acceptance of the idea of a childless future, and maybe even positivity about the possibilities that would bring, but then she was pregnant all of a sudden.   Our daughter was born in January of 2015.  The secrecy around all this was extra intense.  No pictures on the internet, don’t tell anyone, it’s private and too special, maintain the boundaries.  Even now I don’t want to say her name.  She is the physical embodiment of our special private love for each other so of course we’d be protective of the details.   Then 4 months after having a baby Geneviève went to the doctor for a regular check up, mentioning some abdominal pain, no biggie.  There were some extra questions and an ultrasound and a CT scan, triggering some googling and some worrying at home, but she was 34 years old with a ridiculously healthy lifestyle, so the worries were minor.  Then the lighting bolt:

Advanced pancreatic cancer, stage 4, inoperable, chemotherapy ASAP, “do you want to talk to the chaplain?”, get the wills in order, etc.  

What the fuck?  No family history of cancer, never smoked or drank, mostly vegetarian, so much organic food, big water drinker, young, a profoundly good person.  It felt like conclusive proof of the absence of god.  We agonized over the logic.  How could this be true?  It is preposterous.  It’s so stupidly illogical and wrong.  How could it actually be happening, but then each morning we awoke to the same world where it was indeed happening. (To get perspective on the intensity of this particular cancer, it might be worth looking it up for a minute.  It has a vicious reputation and pretty brutal statistics.) Gradually the existential questioning faded into the grinding logistics of appointments, insurance, bottle feeding, diet questions, acupuncture, therapy, baby care, laundry, money worries, trying to keep the floor clean, trying to keep the house warm, maintaining the basics.  There is simply no time to ponder the big questions right now.  There are diapers to deal with.

We’ve already long since adjusted our bubble boundaries locally and have received so much crucial help from friends and family, as well as remote support from distant friends.  So much love has been beamed our way in the form of meditations and thoughts and prayers and mail and things and money.  All of this is so necessary and huge.  It’s strange to remember our earlier attitudes about preserving the boundaries at all costs.  Even though we are essentially the same hermit weirdos, we need the support and the priorities have massively shifted.

Now we make the broad public announcement and plea for money because we can’t take it anymore.  The savings have been depleted and financial worry creeps in as the inability to do anything resembling “work” continues indefinitely.  

Existence is officially confirmed to be surreal and totally absurd. Thank you for loving and supporting us and each other in this ridiculous whirlwind, sloppily surfing on messed up waves, all of us.  

Fifths. They are just insane. Included: how a fifth fits geometrically, a chart of perfect harmonious 432hz frequencies, whole number ratios; the human twist of consciousness; and how to tune a guitar with perfect harmony (for a single key only)

Head of the fasting Buddha (Bodhisattva). 2nd-3rd Century AD, Gandhara School, Kushan

Coil - How To destroy Angels (1984)

The working tools of a Cornish witch  (Gemma Gary) http://www.cornishwitchcraft.co.uk/images-tools.html

I’ve spoken on the use of music in witchcraft before – but I would like to expand on that which was previously covered by the use of music (and sound) in devotional works. Vibration and frequency are key components of energy and thusly, tones can mimic and explore these energies. Music, however, is particularly suited as it represents a collection of tones that evolve – often accompanied by words and lyrics that, too, expertly mimic or capture the essence these beings. As such, music is uniquely suited to devotional works.

Most faiths possess an integral musical component, for music has the ability to unite – physically, mentally and spiritually – and (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again) while traditional music is very important, that should not prevent you from new association or the use of modern music that speaks to the same part of you. Don’t cast it out, utilize it. This extends not only to deities, but spirits and creatures of all sorts – whomever/whatever you serve, chances are, there is a song/collection of songs for that.

A few possible options to the use of music in devotional works:

Make them a playlist – this doubles both as a means for you to connect, but also shows the spirit that you care, that you have taken the time to create something in their name, something interactive – if you write or make music, even better: Write them a song! I have a particular affinity for this one – as it can put me in the right place, and when any of the songs come on shuffle, they immediately bring the spirit to mind.

Dance with them – never underestimate the power of dance and coordinated movement within the Craft. As with music, dance is an extraordinarily important piece of many faiths – it can capture emotion, tell a story, and release tensions. Dance can convey your character or a message of intention to the spirit. Don’t worry if you aren’t a good dancer, they won’t judge you… (Except maybe Xango…)

Sing to them – it can be something you’ve written or just a song you rather like. You can also sing freely – making noises or composing as you go. This method is great for capturing a moment and giving the spirit a glimpse into your state of mind. I’ve always been partial to singing to the Dead, and they seem pretty receptive (aside from the occasional crotchety spirit). It goes back to showing them appreciation. Not all gifts must be physical. So go forth and sing in the cemeteries!

Set a devotional poem or prose to music – this goes along with writing them a song. It can be a poem you have written or one you have found fitting.

Take up (an) instrument(s) associated with them

Compose a rhythm that can be clapped or tapped while working or calling to them

Sing mantras or phrases that apply to them – it doesn’t have to be a whole song to prove your devotion, smaller phrases or poems are just as efficient!

Search your range for the tone that matches their impression and begin workings with it

Of course, these are but a few options off of the top of my head: I’d love to hear what you guys do or other suggestions to add to the list!

Kyoko Mori, ‘Yarn’

That last phrase especially - “I won’t even try this because it doesn’t come naturally to me and I won’t be very good at it.” It really is like some kind of all-encompassing evil sprit sometimes.