Dirty Old Cheeseburger

I was seeing my friends older brother in high school for a few months and I would go to this creepy motel he was running in the middle of foster Rhode Island (aka nowhere) where he was also living and it was such a weird fucking time in my life I forget it happened. We would always be hammered and do coke and pills and hookup in the motel rooms and one of them had a sauna and I thought it was the coolest thing. But I would see prostitutes and drug deals p much every night and I remember helping him clean up one of the rooms and there was blood all over the sheets. Him and another kid lived in the main house of the motel and I loved being there and we would play music and have parties and there would sometimes be a dog or a baby there and I felt like an adult even though I had just turned 17 and I thought I was in love with him because he gave me drugs and cigarettes and alcohol and wrote me songs and thought I was pretty and smart. But I wouldn’t have sex with him because I’d never had sex before and I was self conscious and nervous and I remember one day we were hooking up in one of the motel room beds and I could tell he was trying to have sex with me and I didn’t know how to say no until he was putting his hands down my pants I was like “no I have my period!!” And he got really mad and stormed out because I didn’t tell him sooner and now he had blue balls and it was alllll my fault. And then another night we were in his bedroom (it wasn’t bedroom it was an large opening in a hallway with a mattress on the floor) and he had just played me a song he wrote me on guitar and we were hooking up and he was pressuring me into sleeping with him again and I remember feeling so fucking nervous and not right and horrible and so I didn’t and he got really fucking mad again. And then another night he had a party and when I showed up and greeted him and kissed him and I could literally taste on his mouth that he had just gone down on someone. And I was right. And so I stopped going over and doing drugs in his crack den and 6 years later he’s now “one month clean” and wants to “chill” and the other kid he was living with has a 4 year old daughter. I feel like my life has already been weird as fuck and no one really Knows anything about it and that was just one small little blip

I just now realized how much weight I've gained and it's very unsettling

If someone calls me pretty or that they like me or something I'm like HAHAHAAHAHahahaahah don't you fkn lie to me