♦╎ ᴄᴏʀʀᴜᴘᴛᴇᴅ

     “These are quite good.” He said, pausing amid the market to glance down at the jewelry that lined the table in front of him. Bowing his head, he studied a set of earrings with a little more scrutiny, his hand hovering just short of touching them. 

     I don’t really remember what I was doing on here, thread wise?      Ssssoooooooo I’m gonna drop ‘em.

IDK if you’re still trolling through my blog waiting for a response to your ‘review’ but, man. I feel like you could use a little constructive criticism here, so I’ve helpfully included a review for next time. Please read!

Your Hot Take - A Review

Clarity: ★✰✰✰✰

     Your intent here is clear - you think that this particular portrayal of Ganondorf is ‘pathetic’. Presumably, this also means that you think he’s out of character, but we can only assume that, because it’s not actually stated. Further, you don’t elaborate on why you think that my dear darling Gan is pathetic, leaving it up to the reader to extrapolate their own reasoning.      Are you taking offense to the lack of a sexy Gerudo harem? Do you hate that he isn’t an Alpha Male? Is it that you’ve self inserted yourself and your fragile pissbaby ego into a fictional ‘idol’, and are upset that not everyone thinks they’re hot shit??

    We don’t know. We can’t tell. You didn’t say. You leave us readers to presume you’re a misogynistic nightmare who most likely dislikes the ‘feminization’ of a character long lauded as The Most Masculine saviour of some poor brown desert ladies who are Lost Without Him, like so many before you. It doesn’t look good. 

    We give you 1 star, because you did at least say he was pathetic. It’s not much, but it’s something. 

Grammar: ★★★★✰ 

     You actually did pretty well in this regard, which is admirable! Most anonymous cowards prefer to hide their typing style, and default to chat speak or poor grammar in order to hide - because in their day to day lives, they don’t use it, so why would anyone suspect it’s them?? Alternatively, most trolls are stupid, so they have a hard time with spelling, and with words. Either way, we’re impressed that you managed to type a whole sentence with your head crammed that far up your ass, and you only missed one comma! 

     Four stars. You should put this sort of dedication forth toward other areas of your life, like considering whether there was a point to sending this into a mostly inactive blog. 

The Balls on You: ★ ✰ ✰ ✰ ✰

     Now, the giving of one star here may seem controversial, since you did indeed send this on anon instead of using your own face to represent your apparently empty, baseless views - widely regardless as a gutless move, in basically all communities. Nobody tropes thieves and assassins as particularly brave, after all. They’re usually cowards, like Mundungus Fletcher, and there’s a reason for that. 

    But, we have decided to award you one whole star for having the sheer nerve to assume that anyone here cared about your lackluster opinion at all! There must be some amount of self confidence behind that idea, though it seems a bit misplaced. 

      We regret to inform you that we don’t actually care, because your opinion was neither requested, nor worth the time it took to read it! We hope that you put forth this sort of nerve in other areas of your life where raising your opinion might seem daunting, like facing down fascism in your local government, supporting women in threatening social situations, or being an ally to immigrants who are facing unfair obstacles as they enter into our country. 

    Maybe if you do something worthwhile, you’ll find something about yourself to enjoy, instead of idolizing the actions of a genocidal maniac who punches children in the face. 

     It didn’t take any particular amount of skill to notice how her attention not only wandered, but packed up it’s bags and left on an epic journey. A general lack of attentiveness was to be expected out of children, particularly the rambunctious ones – and quite like training dogs, or horses, Ganondorf fully believed in tiring them out of their excess energy before trying to teach them anything. And it seemed, he thought, that he hadn’t quite succeeded in doing so, today. 

     He continued his lesson as he began to pace idly about the top of the dune, gesturing with quick, measured movements as he spoke. The flourish of his sleeves and the jewels adorning his hands were distracting movements, and they did well to disguise the small glimmer of violet magic that ebbed around his hands – not, of course, that she was paying any particular amount of attention to him anyways. 

     It plunged greedily into the sand at his feet and raced beneath it to her seat, in time to a level explanation about being aware. Of using your senses, beyond the traditional five, to feel the magic in the world around you. To anticipate it’s actions – which is exactly when the sand beneath her bucked and heaved like the waves of the sea, and did it’s very best to send her tumbling down the dune like a sand seal’s clumsy cub.