·˚.❛ MANIAC ❜

      sneaker clad feet struggled to set foot in the raised range rover with any amount of grace. fortunately, she had long passed the stages of caring, and tucked herself into the seat, belt strapping her chest down to stop any more fidgeting under the lenses of the cameras. carmen waited for sia to make it, unscathed, to the driver’s side, an inexplicable anxiety scorching her insides until the blonde’s tired eyes came into view. ‘ a thing? ’ she knew what that THING was, deep down. killian rarely strayed from his destructive ways when he was in such a state, but she didn’t want to worry her friend. ‘ i’m good. it was a nice night. everyone did really well; especially you. ’

CARMEN: you have to be sneaky and small like me to rly get in there, loser.

        ‘ people don’t want to see the real thing, juni. airbrushed is what sells. ’ it wasn’t a big deal to carmen by now; every shoot she’d done was edited in some way, nipped and tucked, as if the alterations she had made to her body weren’t enough. ‘ it’s just how it is. it’s like using facetune, i guess. ’

       unable to fathom why the reporters needed to have their flashes on when it was broad daylight, carmen hid behind a hand that lacked the shimmering polish of freshly done nails; for once. her other, shaking, reached down to squeeze sia’s as they managed to part the crowd that was swelling in its volume. ‘ we could go for a nap? ’ soft smile hidden by the collar of her sweater, carmen squeezed harder, hoping the blonde understood how little she wanted to go back to her and killian’s empty house. ‘ no paps there. ’

      ‘ that sucks, hmm. ’ high heel induced pain had been the last thing playing on carmen’s mind on the night of the awards. even the day after, when the ache in her joints had yet to subside, her thoughts dwelled on little but how awful the night had been as a whole. ‘ it’s nice, though. you did a really good job. and your outfit was probably my favourite of the night, honestly. ’

      sickness swirled in the pit of her gut, a mounting anxiety rising with it due to trista’s presence. carmen had wanted to find killian, not his BEST FRIEND, not the one everyone had told her she would find him with, doing whatever it was that best friends did. a large part of her didn’t want to answer, instead hoping to erase trista and he agitation that always followed suit, but being killian’s best friend, she had to make the effort ( if only to find him ).  ‘ no such thing. we’re making memories, you see. ’

     bony limbs slicing into the air around her, carmen’s arms crossed over her chest in unnecessary defense. ‘ everything is fine, i just... well he went a little wild with the alcohol before we even left the house, y’know? ’

     she visibly deflated at the vocal coach’s words, jutting shoulder blades hunching further in on her form as if doing so would hide her from the swarm of party-goers surrounding them. ‘ you’re right. maybe he just needed a smoke. or ran into someone -- i don’t know. but, uh, you look really nice. ’ 

       ‘ so they’re together all the time, then? ’ lex was only trying to help, but carmen couldn’t sweeten the bitterness that left her lips; not when this party was hard enough to be at and was made even worse by not knowing killian’s whereabouts. ‘ that... that would be great, yeah. but if you’re busy just forget it. ’

        ‘ i don’t need it. ’ carmen clarified, more to themselves than yousef. ‘ i’ll take it, i guess. i just don’t know where this is coming from. it’s a huge contradiction, especially from YOU, of all people. ’

      ‘ no. why would i ask HER? ’ carmen snapped before she could help herself. she couldn’t even see tris among the hoards of people she was pretending to know, which only nagged further at her increasing anxiety. ‘ i mean... we’re not friends or anything. she wouldn’t wanna help me. ’

      ‘ maybe. ’ annoyance crept its way up her throat and past her lips. he didn’t even care, none of them did. ‘ could you at least, like, check the bathroom or whatever? if it’s not too much trouble. ’

     ‘ really? ’ dark eyes darted wildly under thick lashes as if in search of hidden cameras. ‘ but why? i’ve been nominated for things before. i didn’t even win, you did. is that what this is about? congratulations, then. ’

        ‘ i’m sorry to bother you, ’ it had been years since carmen had gone to a party of any kind COMPLETELY sober. she felt jarred and disjointed, as if everyone else was moving on a different wavelength; too fast and fueled by something that she was lacking. but worry clouded all of that in a dark grey, her fears for what might happen to her currently absent boyfriend playing on repeat in her mind’s eye. ‘ have you seen killian? we need to get a photo taken. ’ she lied, knowing full well that he was building up to an explosive crescendo that could ruin what little progress they’d made.  

    it wasn’t that carmen was afraid of yousef, not in the slightest, but their body reacted as if they’d been struck -- manicured fingernails cut crescents into their clammy palms, the question of whether to fight or flight causing a disturbing numbness to spread its way through their limbs. carmen wanted to find killian, they wanted to go HOME, but the thoughts of proving yousef right yet again caused a sickening shame to pulse in their chest. ‘ i don’t get it... what’s the joke? ’