den

70g tomato (13cal)

100g lettuce (15cal)

cucumber 112g (15cal)

24g mayonnaise (one spoon) (38cal)

traditional toast (3) (70cal)

tuna (3 spoons) (88cal)

Total = 254 calories

This meal can satisfy me for 24 hours!

to feel like im finally in control of something

to feel dainty while walking through snow in winter

look good in big sweaters

looking down without feeling the fat in my neck

shrinking my tits, getting rid of dysphoria

to feel more comfortable in my boyfriend's arms

having someone actually care about me

thighs to stop jiggling when i run

the satisfaction of seeing the number drop

wearing tight clothes without hating myself

collarbones

my neck to be more defined

visible cheekbones

croptops!!!

being someone's thinspo

having someone look at me the way i look at skinny people

my knees would look so much better

the veins in my hands to pop out more. i want gamer boy hands

thighs not growing when i sit

Movies i’d usually gate-keep about addiction, growing up, being a teenage girl, music, the 2000s and late 90s, femininity, mental illness, etc. (you might actually not have heard about some of these.) (some of these r pretty popular I know!!)

Blue Car (2002)

White Oleandor (2002)

Speak (2004)

Firefox (1996)

Kids (1995)

Palo Alto (2013)

Heathers (1989)

Augusta Gone (2006)

Hard Candy (2005)

American Beauty (1999)

Lords of Dogtown (2005)

Ghost world (2001)

Trainspotting (1996)

Juno (2007)

Thirteen (2003)

The Virgin suicides (1999)

Buffalo ‘66 (1998)

Gone Girl (2014)

Girl interrupted (1999)

Black Swan (2010)

Mid90s (2018)

Whip It (2009)

Lady bird (2017)

The Perks Of Being A Wallflower (2012)

Normal Adolescent Behaviour (2007)

Blue Valentine (2010)

Crazy Beautiful (2001)

Its a funny kind of story (2010)

Slums Of Beverly Hills (1998)

Anywhere But Here (1999)

Adventure Land (2009)

Save The Last Dance (2001)

Garden State (2004)

Rules Of Attraction (2002)

Promising Young Woman (2020)

Requiem Of A Dream (2000)

Gia (1998)

Candy (2006)

Beautiful Boy (2018)

Almost Famous (2000)

The Basketball Diaries (1995)

The Craft (1996)

The Diary Of A Teenage Girl (2015)

But I’m A Cheerleader (1999)

Boyhood (2014)

Spun (2002)

Red Road (2006)

The Piano Teacher (2001)

Bulbbul (2020)

Sucker Punch (2011)

Ginger Snaps (2000)

Helter-Skelter (2012)

Cruel Intentions (1999)

I, TONYA (2018)

Amelie (2001)

Daisies (1966)

Perfect Blue (1997)

Prozac Nation (2001)

Whatever Happened To Baby Jane? (1962)

Leon (1994)

Valley Of The Dolls (1967)

The Crush (1993)

Carrie (1976)

10 Things I Hate About You (1999)

but i hate kids.

or really, i hate how they’ve always been expected from me.

when i was five i was given “babies.” i hated the hardness of dolls, disposed of them for dramatic stories between stuffed animals. i knew how to wrap, feed, and care for a baby before i could spell my last name. when i was nine i was already “watching the kids”. i was only four years older than my cousins were. i wanted to go out and play. instead i was expected to have responsibility. by the time i was thirteen all of my friends had told me about how many children they were going to have in their twenties. 

my hips were “child-bearing” hips. my brother was a scientist, or a fireman, or a steamroller. i was going to make a good housewife, or mom, or nanny, or mom, or mom, or mom.

and when my body hurt, i was told it wasn’t really my body, not really, it belonged to my future children. i couldn’t cut or snip or tie anything; i was trapped by the potential energy that hung above me. a boulder, threatening. i couldn’t get tattoos, because what would i tell my children? i couldn’t kiss a girl, because what would i tell the children? i couldn’t be risky or wild or anything but a lady, because what about the children?

and when i said “i don’t want children” - not biologically, at least, not when cancer and depression and a whole other host of terrible things lives inside me - do you know what they said? “it’ll change, wait and see” “it’s not bad” “you’ll get used to it” “when you meet the right man” “you don’t want to be lonely”.

i don’t hate kids. i’m great with them. 

but then i’m told again that my life will be forfeit to them - something in me snaps angry. “wait until you have kids” “you should travel before you have children” “you’ll be more happy.” 

i hate kids! i’ve snarled. i don’t mean it at all. but god. please, leave me alone. i don’t want to be a biological mom. 

it’s like we’re born with a uterus and told “this is your whole life. your singular purpose. your job.”