I'm just a musical prostitute, my dear.

wait. hes supposed to be on a business trip.

I love getting unaccompanied minors (kids flying alone) who so clearly just. Don't want to be here lol. Sometimes I get to know a little of their story, like their parents are divorced, or a family member died and they're heading to the funeral, but usually they just don't want to talk about it and that's fine. But I always treat the flight like it's a challenge to make them smile. I offer them snacks and soda but that's never enough, that's whatever, they could get those from an airport vending machine. Chump change. So then I tell the worst jokes. Just the most embarrassing, kindergarten teacher, annoying dad jokes you can think of. And those always get a groan, or a "Seriously??" And that's my in! Now I can say "Why, what's your idea of a good joke? No, come on hotshot, make your best joke, let's see it." And they hem and they haw but of course they eventually tell me their very best joke because kids are little competitive comedy goldmines. And it's always super funny, so I laugh, and that's where they slip up. Because you know what you almost always do when your joke successfully makes someone laugh? You smile. And I'm like. Gotcha. Rookie move. Now you're going to end up having a good time in spite of yourself. I win.

Did this with an 11yo u.m. today and he said "What did the ghost say to the other ghost?" And I said "What?" "Nothing. Ghosts aren't real."

i know this is a predator. like a hardened killing machine. tempered by hundreds of years of evolutionary prowess to fine tune him into a living weapon. but ohhhh the little BABYYY look at the Little Bouncing Baby he is going Boing Boing Boing oh my gooddddd

@supreme-leader-stoat

Ma'am, we're sorry to have to tell you this, but your husband had an accident at the Pianos, Anvils, and Comically Large Panes of Glass Incorporated factory...

he was hit by a car in the parking lot

What provides the remaining 30% of Venice and Milan’s electricity?

A slug in a hamster wheel.

ambitious indie project this, surprise box-office hit that, iron lung (production budget: $3mil) is the 'someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this, my family is dying' tweet.

I wish AI would stop making so many animal story posts. I LOVE animals and they are ruining the loving-animals ecosystem. And also the real ecosystem

The truffle hunting cat is AI, I’m so sorry guys

don’t look at all my lip balms

there are four coasters and you put the coffee cup on a book

don't look at that either

a book should be $5 a little drink should be $2 and museum access should be free and all hours

A PORN BOT UNFOLLOWED ME?

I hate when king arthur has all these fussy little steps in the instructions and you're like "no way do these fussy little steps matter" but you try it and they do. they matter so much.

I thought you meant Camelot quests and I was like "that's fair, 'never pick a four leaf clover on the last Wednesday of the month' IS a fussy little step that shouldn't matter" but then I was like "wait isn't that also a flour company"

nooo I am not a beleaguered knight of the round table I am making elaborate focaccia 😭

Can’t wait for OP to get scurvy

Are you under the impression that the ships themselves are what caused scurvy

your email found me at the grocery store irl. that's crazy that you gave it little legs and everything. it walked right up to me. everyone was so scared one person screamed when i picked it up. i said it's okay you just do this kind of thing sometimes. while i was reading, its little legs were just sort of dangling in the air. someone asked me if it's alive and if holding it like that made it uncomfortable. i told them idk i just get the emails i don't send them.

Fry one (1) egg.