Nikole Harlan's Cups of Thought

Having thoughts in your head all day long and having no where to put them, feels like your stomach when you’ve over stuffed yourself. You’re so full of “stuff” and don’t know how to get it out, and it’s infuriating. 

How do you get through the maze of your own mind when it’s over cramped w/thoughts? You can’t get through the maze for the walls are always changing. You’ve think you’ve figured out where to go and what to do. However, no matter which way you go, you’re still stuck. 

Think of throwing pasta on the wall to see if the past is ready as it sticks on the wall. No matter how long you cook the pasta, it never sticks. No matter how hard you try. 

Writers block sucks. When you’ve been told that you’ve been given a gift, but you can’t get that “gift” out, you feel like you’ve failed. You start to doubt in your gift/yourself. 

So, for me, this is what Writer’s Block feels like. 

Till Next Time, 

2, November 1577

I awake to the spray of the sea leaping on my face; coming through my quarter window as the mid morning waves rock the boat to a comforting lull. 

After lasts nights storm and the cold water of night lashing across the ship, still leaves my muscles cold & stiff. I need a shot of Brandy. I walk out of my cabin; the sun making my stare look like two tigers eyes peering from 2 days of scruff; while trying to outrun “his Majesties” royal fleet. I know it’s been only two days, I however wonder about the crew and grow concerned with how many more days I can keep them on high alert. However, today seems lighter, glowing and almost translucent as I walk out on deck. “A Family Captain!” - yells First Mate Banales pointing to the port side of the boat. The Crew and I rush over and see a small family of gigantic pods pushing fresh sea water in the air. A mum, da and calf roll the waves along side ship shooting water up in the air as to say, “Good Morning.” The crew cheers and watches happily as our visit with this small family is cut short. “Captain! - yells first mate Banales. “Rocks ahead!” I climb to the wheel deck and take over the helm. I quickly turn the wheel counter-clock-wise to avoid the shoals rising at low tide. I hurriedly turn with all my might. Listening to the creeks and groans of the Persephone  as she pushes the water over the rocks barely skimming the water.   I love this ship. As the crew does their daily duties, I go to the galley and pick up an apple. I enjoy the sweet crispness of that first bite while I enjoy the afternoon horizon. Nothing but sea air, blowing wind into the sails and water surrounding us as far as the eye can see. As I look into my spy glass and see no sign of the “Royal Navy”. We did it! The Persephone did what I was promised. The fastest ship on the sea. She’s not big, but she’s fast. The afternoon turns into evening and the candles upon the ship are beginning to be lit. I enter my quarters with dinner awaiting me. Chicken, potatoes, grapes, wine and rum. I sit in silence and enjoy my meal. It’s nice to be the captain. After dinner I sit and run my fingers through the chest of silver my crew and I nicked from the “Royals”. I wonder when they discovered it was missing. I flip a single coin through my fingers as I lay on my loft and watch the glow of the candles get softer. I smile and think of todays events. Today has been a perfect day.

Signed, 

Morgan Monroe - Captain. 

I feel like the song, “Blah-Blah-Blah” for I know that I want to write and keep my blogging going. However, I have no idea what to write about. I mean... I just started two new jobs, however I have no ideas or witty ways of writing about them. I mean, it’s true when they say, “You are your own worse critic.” 

For those of you who don't know. I just started working at Frank’s Flowers and Gifts on the corner of 1st & Hanna here In Gilroy. It’s part time and I get to learn a new trade. I’m really excited about that. Getting to also deliver flowers and brighten peoples day really makes me feel good too. 

While doing this, I am also driving for the company, Lyft. Every morning I open the Lyft app and waiting to hear a “Ding!” then follow the GPS directions to pick up a passenger and drop them off. I know I’ve already heard the words, “Be careful!” Yes... I am very careful. I don’t drive for Lyft at night and don’t go farther than San Jose when dropping people off. 

As time goes on, I’ll be sure to have some funny anecdotes of passengers that I can share here. However... till then...

For the past 6 months I have been looking for a job. I finally found one (YAY!), however, I noticed something that I never thought I would see. Text messages from potential employers saying, “Thank You for coming in to interview for (said position). However, we have decided to go w/someone else for the position. Good luck!” 

Yep. I got turned down for a job via: Text message. Is it just me or does this seem totally unprofessional? What happened to the days where employers would call you and tell you, Yay or Nay? When did personal communication start coming through text messages and emails? I mean... I’ve been dumped via text message before. Yep! That’s right. However... after a job interview?

I’ve named this blog “Pros vs. Joes” for it seems like, the professional companies that are still out there will call you and tell you if you got the job or not. Joes take the easy way out and will send you text messages to do their job.  

I’m not going to name the company that did this to me. However I will say, It’s hard to take a company serious when the girl interviewing you is younger than you and you get text messages telling you that you aren’t being invited to a second interview. 

What’s up w/the world today?

Today was an interesting day to say the least. I had two job interviews I was supposed to do today and was able to do only one of them. 

On Friday I received an e-mail letting me know that my resume was received by Western Dental and that they would like to see me on 07/10/17 between 10am - 5pm for an Open Interview Day at their Watsonville location. Because I briefly lost the e-mail, @ 11:30am I called Western Dental in Watsonville and asked when the open interviews were talking place. I was told that they were going on at that moment and that depending how many more people show, they were going to stop doing them between 1-2pm. 

After hanging up the phone, I jumped in the car and headed to Watsonville where I arrived a little after 12:00pm. I was helped by two women sitting at the front desk who helped me promptly and told me that, I needed to come back at 2:00pm. 

WHAT?!?!

I told them that I had called ahead of time and was told that the interviews would be STOPPING at that time NOT beginning. They confirmed that they were the ones that received my call but they were given strict instructions to tell people to return at 2pm. I didn’t understand this for there were people sitting in the lobby holding their resumes. 

Suffice to say, I did not return at 2:00. I really felt discriminated against and lied to. I also had another interview at a local Gilroy Flower Shop and was expected to come in after 1:00pm. I didn't want to miss the opportunity so, I drove back to Gilroy where I met w/the florist owner and think I would fit in there perfectly.

I would like to know why I was given 3 different stories from Western Dental and what is the real story? 

As for the florist job, I would LOVE to be able to be artistic w/flowers. I think it would be a really cool job. The lady that owns the shop interviewed me and was really nice. I hope to hear from her at the end of the week. That’s when she said she would have her decision. I really hope to hear from her soon. 

If you’re on Facebook like 80% of the population you will have certainly seen these “tests” that ask you questions like, “What is God trying to tell you?” “Which celebrity should you marry?” “Which movie should you be cast in?” Cute, fun, little “quizzes” that some how make you think and in some ways really somehow do end up pertaining to your life. So... how do they effect me?

I just took this “little quiz” saying: Know your profession based on your photo. Apparently, based on my face analysis, I am a “Best Selling Author.”  

WOAH! How could this test have known that I’ve always had the dream of writing a book.Ever since I was a young teen, I’ve always had this “day dream” of writing a best selling novel. I just have one problem... I don’t know what to write about. 

It’s like writing this blog. I’d love to be able to sit down and write a story off the top of my head and have people read it here and tell me what they think. I just for some reason have a hard time doing that.  It’s like, Writers Block. I have ideas and thoughts inside my head. However... I have a little hurdle... I’m too hard on myself. 

For years I had people in my life that were really hard on me. I was always held up to a higher standard than my peers (or so it seemed.) Now that the people who were hard on me aren’t anymore I don’t know how to not be so hard on myself. When it comes to my job, writing, money matters and just everyday, life in general acts, how can I let myself be human? 

As a kid & teen because of my name and being so unique I didn’t want to stand out. All I wanted to do was blend in. Because of my name change I feel so much better & I still feel that way. I wanted to just be an “average” kid. An “average” student. I didn’t care if I got the best grades. College really wasn’t on my radar. I just wanted to “be.” However I had a lot of people looking at me and expecting me to be more than just “average”. 

Now as an adult, I want to do more and while still wanting to blend in it would be nice to write a story or write a book. I really just need to stop being my own worst critic. I need to give myself a little leeway. I unfortunately don’t know how. 

I know I need to learn how to relax. Even that is extremely hard somedays. Earlier today I was thinking about, “Hope” and who I am now. I can’t but feel like I am a totally different person than I was. While thinking I ended up saying to myself, “Hope... I don’t know that girl anymore.” I stopped dead in my tracks after thinking that and said, “Wow. I really have changed a lot.” But has this change been for the better? I think so. I don’t dread telling people my name anymore. However, only time will tell. 

A few hours ago on Facebook, I made a post asking people to give me ideas on what I should write about. What do people want to know?  Well... so far I’ve had one person (my mom) who has responded. What did she say? Well... she said...

“Write what is on your heart. Or Something your interested in learning. Take up a hobby and tell about it.”

Thanks for the help, Mom. I really do appreciate it. However... I need a bit more help. Honestly... my brain feels like one of those word magnet puzzles that you put on the refrigerator and try to make poems w/them. There’s so much going on in my mind that everything is all jumbled together. I need to start off simple (like: “Write about why you love coffee.” and work my way from there. 

When everything is jumbled, it’s hard putting the pieces together where they belong. It’s like searching for order in nothing but chaos. Plus... there’s so much that I’d like to do... and can do, it’s almost like, “Where do I start?” 

Bet you didn’t know that IF I knew how to run a business, I’d love to open up my own coffee shop. I already have a name for it and business logo. I think it would be awesome. However... I don’t know how to run a business. Just like bartending. I’d love to learn how to bartend. Making drinks for people and seeing them enjoy it would be an awesome job. However... no company that has bartenders wants to do any training. They want all their bartenders all ready trained. Don’t business people know that, you have to start somewhere? 

Writing that last sentence, the song, “Take a chance on me” by Abba popped into my head. I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself. However, yes I am asking that someone take a chance on me and teach me how to bartend... how to run a business... how to arrange flowers (yes, I applied to a Florist)... just because I’ve “never” doesn’t mean that I “can’t” do it. It just means that I haven’t learned. I want to learn. I really do. 

Right now, my life may seem so simple. No job. Stay at home. Help take care of David. And yet... it’s so very complicated. 

After sending out resume after resume and going on multiple interviews I still haven’t been able to find a job. When your sitting at home and haven’t heard from the company you interviewed at, you can’t help but wonder, “What’s wrong w/me?” 

While trying to be patient and know that EVERYTHING happens in God’s timing it’s hard to remember that when you apply for a job you know how to do and for some reason, you don’t get the job. It’s frustrating. it’s anxiety inducing. You can’t help but take it personally. 

So, this is my second blog in two days. Lets see how long I can keep this up. 

For years I have had many different blogs as well as many different types of blogs. However, I can never stick to one long enough to get a good following going. It’s like, brewing a cup of coffee. You start out w/those few light drips of the water flowing through the beans and then it turns into a steady stream of warm wonderful caffeine filled goodness. Then, slowly but surely the steady stream of brew turns back into drips; leaving ripples in the pot like a unsteady thought stream. 

 It’s true when they say that, you are your own worse critic. I guess my question would have to be, Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why am I so hard on myself? Well...

For the past 6 months I have been looking for a job. After looking non-stop for 6 months and not being hired, you can’t help but take things personally & ask. “What’s wrong w/me?” I wish that someone would just be 100% honest and just tell it like it is and say why they won’t hire me. I think it would answer so many questions about myself. 

After 13 years of working in one place and then not being there anymore, it gives you a lot of time to think. Honestly... I do believe that we at times have too much time to think. This is where we get caught up in “Over thinking.” It’s not fun. I think over-thinking leaves you more questions than answers. However, when you’re not given any answers all that’s left are questions.