BILL CIPHER / GRAVITY FALLS

ALWAYS YELLING.

Tried to end the world three times now just to throw a party. #PARTYHARD

Thinks teeth and a head that’s always screaming are acceptable gifts for children.

Ruined the summers of the entire town of Gravity Falls, Oregon.

Has been pulling this nonsense for at least a trillion years.

Is a snappy dresser.

Hates “It’s A Small World After All”.

Is frankly insulted by the fact that coffee exists.

He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He breaks into your mindscape, drinks all your cola, and calls you a sucker.

“What is your sexual orientation?” “MY DIMENSION HAS 14 BILLION DIFFERENT GENDERS. ITS VERY CONFUSING. I’M HONESTLY NOT SURE. IT WOULD TAKE YEARS OF PAPERWORK TO SORT IT ALL OUT.”

Has a partner-in-crime thanks to amaranth.

Terrible.

Horrible.

Awful.

“Man, poor Benjamin.” Hal shook her head, clearly she had much to learn about the faces on Earth’s currency. She just thought they were randomly generated to show the masses what humans looked like. She would never admit to the triangle she thought the beavercorn was real, that was some convincing taxidermy.

She listened to his story, taking each word with it’s own grain of salt. Who knew how much her own mind had warped this thing? A hole in the fabric of space time sounded familiar. The aliens before her had brought many strange and wonderous things to the town, or so they had documented. Their writings were only readable up to a certain point, before they became strange, glitchy and erratic, completely unreadable. That, however, was hundreds of years ago.

“Who’s ‘Sixer’?” she asked, “-and isn’t it like, I dunno… good to patch it up?” Hal rubbed her head, considerably more puzzled than she was before. “I’m still not letting him use the adhesive either way. Humans can’t handle advanced inter-dimensional stuff. Not allowed!”

His next offer really piqued her interest. A Hal planet… nothing but pink and Nicki Minaj all the time. No… no that wasn’t sustainable. She needed to focus… focus focus. He said he could put her in contact with anyone… did that mean…?

It was worth a shot…

“I only want one thing.” she stated, tone taking a turn for the serious, “I want to see my brother again. Finn Nima. He should have taken over as head of the space mafia by now… and I have no clue where he is. Put me in contact with him and you’ve got yourself any kind of deal you want!”  

“OH, SIXER AND I GO WAY BACK! WE STRUCK UP WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL A BUSINESS-CASUAL RELATIONSHIP BACK IN THE EIGHTIES BUT YOU KNOW HOW IT IS IN SHOWBIZ. BETWEEN CREATIVE DIFFERENCES AND A GUY PLAYING THIRD FIDDLE THROWING A REAL SPANNER IN THE WORKS, IT JUST DIDN’T WORK OUT.”

While his ‘explanation’ barely scratched the surface and skipped over her second question entirely, he took the opportunity that her contemplation of his offer gave to leave it at that and get to cashing in the demonic deal equivalent of a blank check she had given him.

“NIMA, HUH?” Funny how often it came back to family; a disapproving parent or a sibling relationship on the rocks was all it took for Bill to lay the groundwork of a deal. Keeping with the theme of the carnival around them, a crystal ball appeared between them, its surface changing from transparent to a bizarre slideshow of barely connected images to the face of one middle brother.

Proving that he wasn’t all talk with what amounted to pulled a wanted posted probably didn’t count for much when they were in Hal’s mind and getting her brother’s appearance out of her memories was so easy that the most inexperienced dream being could do it, but it was a start. Bill gave the crystal ball a shake, the action turning it into a Magic 8-Ball which he scrutinized before passing it off to Hal (its plastic window showed the answer ‘Signs point to yes’).

           OH    man was this gonna be good, ideas of mayhem were already beginning to cloud her mind. Power she could have, the ability to do things a nine year old only reads about in stories. That’s to say she doesn’t go drunk with her power and completely lose herself, that’s only if that cliche trope will live on. But yes, she will. This wasn’t her first time summoning an unholy demon, but this was the first time it actually worked. Perhaps it be suited if she didn’t jump to conclusion in thinking he’d be so quick to join forces with her.

❝    Well then boy do I have a deal for you !   ❞   Cockiness was basically drooling from her mouth and to the floor, he confidence would either gain his trust or waste his time.  ❝   What if I told you that you could have rein over this dimension with just the small price of letting me be your partner   !?    ❞

“I LIKE THE CUT OF YOUR MOXIE, SISTER, BUT THIS IS A ONE-MAN SHOW!” The words weren’t intended to dissuade her (he was more than happy to let those who summoned him bite off more than they could chew), more to convince her to her step up to the plate and bat. Hypocritical as it could be considered given his geometric form, he wasn’t going to throw his lot in with a girl still shy of her first decade on a wing and a prayer.

Nonetheless, never one to discount the quote-unquote impossible, he’d hear out her pitch. There was a hum like a florescent light about to give out before he counter-offered. “I’LL TELL YA WHAT, I THINK WE CAN STILL WORK SOMETHING OUT HERE. YOU SOUND LIKE A KID WITH A PLAN! LET ME GET A PEAK AT WHAT’S COOKIN’ UPSTAIRS AND WE CAN GO FROM THERE.”

“You know, sir- I’m right here, you really don’t have to ye-” she blinked with confusion as the scenery suddenly changed to one that was more personal and familiar. Was he doubling herself? She attempted to back away, only to phase right through the two other triangles he’d created.

Dream carnival? Now? It was slightly embarrassing, he almost felt like an outside entity intruding in on her mind. That was impossible, wasn’t it? The only species that could possibly enter the consciousness of another was the Meerkrob, and they would have no reason to contact her. Plus, they usually took the form of shoes or toilet brushes, not triangles, that was just silly. 

More than that, this was a lot of information Mr. dream triangle was dropping on her at once. She took a seat on a nearby bench- pink, of course. Everything was, this was Hal’s world, afterall. She politely denied the offered cotton candy with a small wave of the hand. Old guy. Noodly armed nephew, it sounded familiar.

“I think I know them… not really but- I’ve seen them before, that store, right? The really, really bad one?” she knew it was vaguely paranormal themed, but all those things in there were fake, right? She hadn’t thought she had anything to worry about, but if they were looking for something real, they didn’t have to look much further than the giant clearing near the bridge. 

“They’re coming here for Algeraathi adhesive? Why? What would humans need with that?” the place had been looted before she came, it seemed, perhaps it wasn’t all that unexpected they would come back for more. “Geez, humans just think they own every supernatural thing they find, huh? Yeah, if you’d help, that’d be great! Uh, if you’re real, that is…”

At her non-verbal ‘no thanks’, the triangle shrugged nonchalantly and shoved the second cotton candy at his eye equally indelicately as he had the first (plastic stick and all). Her blatant awareness that the Mystery Shack capitalized on the credulity of tourists and townsfolk alike without a single real supernatural creature in sight drew a laugh from not only Bill but his two doubles who didn’t even pause in their playing.

“THAT’S THE PLACE! NOT TO DISCOUNT ALL A’ FEZ’S HARD WORK TO LOOSEN THOSE BENJAMINS FROM THE POCKETS OF THE GULLIBLE BUT CAN YOU BELIEVE PEOPLE FALL FOR THAT STUFF? I MEAN, C’MON, ‘BEAVERCORN’? I WOULDN’T STOOP THAT LOW ON A BAD DAY. AT LEAST PUT A LITTLE CREATIVITY INTO IT. TAKE THIS LITTLE GUY, FOR EXAMPLE!” Another snap brought an ordinary cat into existence– ordinary, that is, until Bill gave it a scratch under its chin and it contentedly yawned out a steady stream of fire.

Setting the cat aside to do as it wanted, he answered her other question with shades of the truth. “SIXER RIPPED OPEN A BIG HOLE IN THE FABRIC OF THIS DIMENSION THIRTY YEARS BACK. HE ONLY RECENTLY MANAGED TO PATCH ALL THE DAMAGE UP BUT SLAPPING A BANDAID ON IT DOESN’T MEAN STUFF HASN’T LEAKED THROUGH THE CRACKS. GUESS HE FIGURED HE COULD JUST WALTZ IN HERE AND USE SOMEONE ELSE’S HARD WORK TO PATCH UP HIS MISTAKES. TYPICAL!” Somehow managing an effective approximation of a disapproving shake of the head despite not having a head at all, he got back on track.

There wasn’t much of a transition between awake and asleep for Hal. Too focused on the task at hand, or rather, distracted from the calls of her own body, she never felt tired. One moment she was dancing happily as she fixed more of the underground base’s components, the next, she was passed out, pink face against the console as a pink ERROR flashed on the screen above over and over again.

She observed the area within her dream, the same whimsical doodads mixed with harsh metal interior, only she couldn’t interact with it; couldn’t fix or work on anything she had been before. It didn’t take long for Hal to realize what had happened, hands on her hips with an exaggerated pout, before a complementary voice from behind her caused her expression to change to one of flattery.

“It’s pink!” she exclaimed, as though that much hadn’t been obvious. The girl turned to face the figure, only to be met with something unexpected.

“Huh… I’ve never seen you before. You’re definitely not one of my usual dream characters. Where’s Mermeg the singing hogulus!?” she walked around the strange shape, glancing at it from all possible angles, “A talking triangle? Really? I’m losing my creative edge, man. Oh well, at least I gave you a hat!”

Pressing a hand against his glowing surface like the blow to his ego caused a physical pain, he took the kind of callous curiosity one would expect from someone talking to what they saw as nothing more than a figment of their imagination well. "OUCH, AND AFTER I COMPLIMENTED YOUR INTERIOR DECORATION SENSE, TOO! LOOK, I KNOW I SHOULDA CALLED AHEAD BUT I’VE GOT A LOT OF BALLS IN THE AIR RIGHT NOW.”

In one smooth motion, he swept the top hat off his head with a theatrical bow. “THE NAME’S BILL CIPHER! AND I’M NOT JUST HERE AS MERMEG’S UNDERSTUDY, THOUGH I DO DO A LITTLE CANTATA HERE AND THERE!” All it took was a snap and two other Bills were fixing their bowties and plugging in speakers for what looked to be an electric theremin, not at all bothered by the fact that the dreamscape was starting to shift into a bright carnival with showtunes of its own blaring all around. For the time being, it was just like a fair had been set up within the halls of the ship.

The original Bill replaced the hat atop his vertex and spun out the near future before her eyes, skimping on the details and cutting right to the chase. “HERE’S THE DEAL: YOU’RE NOT THE FIRST IN THE PAST FEW THOUSAND YEARS TO FIND THESE SWEET DIGS. IN FACT, PRETTY SOON THIS OLD GUY AND HIS NOODLY-ARMED NEPHEW WILL BE TRAIPSING AROUND THE PLACE LOOKING FOR SOME EXTRA-STRENGTH SPACE-TIME SEALING ADHESIVE.”

He was so close. One billion years of watching and waiting (and manipulating) were winding down to a close and all thanks to a few well-played cards. Good ol’ six-fingers had been a real long-term investment but now it was playing off with dividends to spare. Were he corporeal, he could’ve waved a hand above the hairline crack in the Rift like a baker with fresh bread, ready to taste that hard-earned victory.

All he had to do was make sure that Fordsy didn’t get his hands on that adhesive. If he did, it was no harm, no foul-- he had a deal with Blendin Blandin that he had yet to cash in on, but better to head them off here than go to all of the trouble of circumventing that dumb baby’s grip on the linear flow of time.

     As if the Lord of Time itself would ever relax his tight reigns for Bill Cipher on his volition. Their only hope would be to disassemble every atom of his being once and for all — though that dream felt frustratingly unreachable as of now. Who knew, perhaps the Universe would lean in their favor for half a second in the next millennia. With this exchange, it was now guaranteed she’d be there to see it.

Nothing would satisfy her more.

 A flick of his wrist was all it took to derail her train of thought from its tracks, sending it into a void of no return to explode in a shower of sheer AWE and ADMIRATION. Artificial stars danced in the reflection of her eyes as she gazed up at the clusters of shining lights. It was as if she stood at the focal point of the universe, breathing in the questionable fumes of space and time ( or perhaps that was the couch? ). To think that Bill’s chaotic magic could create something so beautiful, it was hard to believe if one didn’t know him as well as she had come to.

       ❝ I gotta say, I could get used to this pocket sized PLANETARIUM.           You gotta bring that out more, it’s a neat party trick, but I digress, ❞

The brief jab at his ancientness brought a grin to an already flushed face and cheeks ached with the strength of it as she looked upon the lone star system afloat between them. Although the name escaped her, the feeling of FAMILIARITY blooming in her chest was a welcome one. It seemed they’d both come to a decision, her answer made clear by the way she reached out to touch what wasn’t really there. Goosebumps rose all across her mortal flesh and her body practically vibrated with anticipation along with the rapid beating of her heart.

       ❝ It definitely seems my STYLE… really brings out my eyes, don’t           ya’ think? ❞

“REMIND ME A YEAR FROM NOW AND I’LL MAKE IT A WHOLE BIG PRODUCTION FOR YA!” The promise was made lightly, especially so with the hope that by the time another year rolled around they would be the ones calling the shots on capital T time still hanging in the air.

As she gazed at the star, he looked at her with the kind of amusement you might expect from a relenting parent. “WITH THAT LOOK IN ‘EM, I’D SAY YOU’RE GIVING IT A REAL RUN FOR ITS MONEY!” While they spoke, an eerie magnetism pulled the solar system toward her outstretched fingers. The triangle followed suit, laying his hands over hers as he had done so many times before. For a moment, the little sun floated between their hands before it flickered out with dark significance like the rest of their false stars. “SPEAKING OF, HOW MANY OF THOSE D’YOU WANT TO KEEP? OR ADD!”

He considered her from a few different angles, thumb and forefinger forming a viewfinder, before abandoning the question altogether, sensing he shouldn’t keep them idling now that she was so close to eternity. “EH, WE’LL FIGURE IT OUT AS WE GO! I’M MORE OF A FLY-BY-THE-SEAT-OF-YOUR-PANTS GUY.” Keeping with the running theme, his next motion made her starstruck awe into a tangible stardust that weaved around them, somehow both manifesting from nothing at all and being what little remained of Eta Corvi. How that could be possible defied explanation-- so he didn’t bother explaining; her absolute trust in him had been cemented long before she’d left Earth behind her.

             GAZE  follows out toward the world beyond them, discoloration and a land scattered with forgotten inventions he had once built with either himself or together with his brother. Still, he’s as confused as ever, turning back to face the yellowed triangle once more.   ❝     ….Okay. Fine then. So uh then why exactly are you here again  ?  You weren’t exactly clear on that part.   ❞