Howls from the abyss

So, hello and welcome back.

I think I mentioned previously that my boyfriend urged me to keep this up as a sort of writing diary/journal. And for when I actually start posting fics that this can serve as somewhat of a newsletter/update center. I kind of liked that idea, so I decided to run with it.

Since we're officially in 2026 I wanted to share my previous stats.

As you can see I basically started from scratch this year end of July beginning of August, and I feel like the amount of words I wrote ain't that bad honestly. Half, or even more than half, comes from my NaNo project, which I am still working on and hopefully soon there will be something to post! (I say soon but I mean a couple of months still, be prepared)

There was a bit of a dip in productivity in December. I think it just hit me that I wrote so damn much in November and it almost scared me a little, and then burnout came for my ass. So, I made a joke that I should make every month a NaNo month.

So that's exactly what I did! Just a little ongoing goal that I'm going to try to hit.

Seriously working on: NaNo project | Sterek | 60-ish k words The Alaska fic | Tibbs | Fully rewriting but currently at about 10k

And so we say goodbye to another NaNo.

It's been high, it's been low. There has been tears and deep emotional talks. And that was just to get me through this first half of the story.

I haven't ever really written Sterek before this month. Maybe 1k of sprinting there, 500 words here, but I've never delved into a real story before. I decided to take the leap and jump off the edge just because. I wouldn't have been able to write them five years ago. And I wanted to challenge myself. To tell a story which Stiles and Derek fits perfectly.

(Maybe there was some spite involved because of all the anti-Sterek posts I've seen, and I wanted to add to the propaganda)

I'd like to think it brought my boyfriend and I even closer than we were before, especially because this was the first time he really saw how I am when I'm writing and it was a real eye opening experience for the both of us. And doing this. I really had to rediscover the love of writing and creating stories that I want to tell. (I know I just touched on AI before, but man, when I tell you it really threw me for a loop and broke some of my confidence).

But, during that process, my boyfriend also saw this side blog. And he thought it was maybe pivotal in helping me through this, so it will be staying up. And I will continue to talk about my progress on the story, and future ones, here. It's gonna be great, I'm sure. That will basically include writing, editing. The process of posting. All of that fun stuff.

But for now.

Thank you for the support, and for following my journey through this month. Hopefully, we'll do it again next year.

See ya

And tomorrow never came

Warning: This is going to be a very long post. And, yes. It's after midnight, so I can say the 29th.

Oof. Only 7,000 words to go. It feels both surreal, and like the word counting software is fucking with me.

But, we're here. 9 days left. 7k words left. A whole story left to write. Apparently it takes quite a few words to rewrite a situation, because going into this, I thought I would need to stretch the story to get to 50k. Now I'm at 43k and the story is probably 30 - 40% done. It's actually pretty funny, and something that I laugh about daily. How, my silly little story is turning into an actual monster when I've spent the past couple of years trying to come up with an idea that could end up as something worth reading with no luck.

And now we're here. If any of you read my very first post, I ranted about the drafts I had, and said that there is one that can push me over an emotional cliff, but I'm not mature enough to delve into it. Well, apparently I underestimated myself and how much support I really have next to me.

As you can see, there was some point where I fell really behind. But, then my boyfriend had a week off, and somehow that was all I needed for motivation to break even, and exceed par.

I'm still deciding whether I'm going to stop these updates at the 50k mark, or if I'm going to go until the end of NaNo, but I'll probably go to the end.

The bones won today. It turns out in my youth (three years ago) I trained my body really well to handle typing for long amounts of time. Today I was reminded that that was in fact training and that writing 29k words in 10 days is not a good idea when you haven't been this psychotic about writing for so long.

Praise athletic tape that acts as compression? [not medical advice. I'm notorious for being bad at self care]

But we still did it!

I wrote my first panic attack in...forever. And we have entered the "Oh, the Sheriff is actually not the best person ever" part of the plot. So, real exciting times.

In a special episode of "What did I ask my boyfriend after he read today's excerpt.":

Am I still in line with the characterisation?

Am I doing too much?

Does this make sense, or did I shift to an alternate reality too quickly?

Should I scrap the whole idea?

Are you sure people would want to read a fic north of 100k, won't they get bored?

So yesterday. The brain won.

But, I still wrote, so maybe see this progress as progress over two days, which I still think ain't too shabby. I also finally made a goal tracker on Trackbear on top of just the leaderboard. So, I think that is something really fun!

I'm making steady progress which I'm happy about. I feel like, I'm this far in, but I've barely scratched the surface of what the story is. So, I'll definitely be writing into December. If anyone actually reads this, would y'all like me to keep doing these little updates until it's finished, and maybe of the editing process? Because I'm honestly not sure if anyone would be interested. Alternatively, I might just keep this as a NaNo diary specifically.

I'm getting more excited about the editing process, like I think it's going to be really great. Just dividing the chapters and really analysing the scenes. So, it might be a while until the story is actually posted, but I feel like it'll all be worth it in the end. I'm also enjoying writing Derek and exploring their dynamic since this is my first time writing Teen Wolf (yeah, I've never done things the easy way).

So how the breakdown looks for yesterday and today. Yesterday I wrote 1,571 words. Which is not as much as I want to aim for. But today I wrote 4,746 words, which is more in line with what I want to achieve.

Derek is finally seeing some people's true motivations and let's just say that the a n x i e t y is high for our man.

Snippet under the cut:

So, today I am going to approach the topic of why I'm not posting as I'm writing.

I have seen many people do that, and honestly? Respect to those who can. But, I'm not in the position that I can do that right now. If you think about my really significant break from writing and that I'm quite literally jumping into the deep end without a life jacket, it's not feasible for me to post as I'm writing.

I'm also doing this new thing where I'm only focusing on getting the words on the page, as a way to keep me writing and not get stuck in my head to the point where I abandon it. That means that I just have one very huge doc with no chapters or editing of any sort. So, that's what we're going to spend December/January on.

Through the editing process we will be dividing the work into chapters and alpha reading to see if any scene needs anything that I should write/re-write. And then the three process editing will start.

I am also hoping that this story will be way north of the original 50k of NaNo, so I might actually still be writing in December, but trying to hold the routine of November.

Really, I want something at the end of this that I'm proud of, and that I think people will enjoy reading.

In other news, I got back into an old band that I really fucking loved around like. 2021-2022. And that's been really fun, and I might have listened to them today during writing and it was honestly just what I needed.

The progress today was fun! But, I'm still figuring out some timeline issues. Or less "issues" more... more I'm figuring out the timeline.

That's all I'm going to say about today. Yay for 2.5k words progress. Yay for writing a little more.

But woah. Whoever is leading this story is really trying to fuck with me. Which, will be funny in other circumstances, but really it's just bringing so much about the deeper delve of the characters to light and ahhhh.

But, everything is kind of moving along the way that I was hoping. So, everything is working out so far.

It's really funny because. Anyone who likes Scott or Malia or the Sheriff or anyone in that line of character would absolutely hate this story.

So, really, the only ones who are safe would be Derek, Stiles and Jackson as a for sure.

Maybe tomorrow I'd be able to add another snippet, or say more about the story. But today wasn't really a good one, brain wise.

Another successful day of writing and watching Teen Wolf, which. I count as a win!!

I think I'm putting the "slow" back in "slow burn", which. I think is a very exciting project (and there's a part of me that's panicking and hoping that people will still want to read it even though it's glacial).

But, I guess it doesn't matter because, most of all, I'm having a great time falling back in love with writing. And, if I do end up posting it on AO3, then I guess the people who needs to find it will.

"Derek sucks in a big breath. But he nods, and uncurls himself from the floor. His body creaks as he stands up, some small aches still left over from the fight with the Alpha pack. Erica and Boyd are dead. Isaac threw his allegiance behind Scott. And, Derek can't lose any more that he already has.

He keeps a side eye on Peter, but moves towards Cora with purpose. She looks really small bundled in his bed, and the trashing hasn't abated in hours. Her forehead is slick with sweat, and from some of the murmurs that he manages to catch, he knows that she's stuck in a never ending nightmare."

— Just a horribly unedited snippet from the beginning of the fic.

And with such, I say cheers until tomorrow.

This week is gonna be a good one, kids.

A whole week of writing and enjoying time. After my boyfriend had to pull me out of my fifty thousandth panic spiral. This is my first time truly writing a Draft zero, and since it's my first time, I keep feeling like I'm messing it up, but then I get lovingly reminded that this is normal and there would have to be a few round of edits anyway.

But, it's making me more and more positive about where this story will end up! And, making me even more hopeful that I'd be able to post it.

Yeah, today was a good one. I could get a good chunk of writing in (I really just do better when I can co-write in conjunction, or with someone). I got some Indian food for real writer's fuel. And it was all fun. It's really making me feel positive knowing that we're coming up to the halfway mark of the month!

So today (and yesterday) I got into a new sport. Which, as y'all might know is very exciting. Getting to learn the rules and see the game play and all of that. So, I think this might be a fun journey. I don't know if I'll write any AUs in it yet, just because there are already so damn many. But, maybe one day. So far I'm just here for the love of the game, and violence.

Today was another strugglebug day, but! We have finally been released from the headphone limbo!!! They showed up today so I once again feel like my human skin suit fits pretty well.

Today was another day of writing to just get through and focus on the wordcount. Everybody says that writing like that isn't the way to go and doesn't make for your work coming out good. But, for me it has paid off in the past more than not.

Struggling is a very human thing, and sometimes writing when you only have inspiration or feel fantastic or something like that can mean that you just stop writing. Or write twice a year.

You don't need to be this maelstrom of ideas and inspiration to be a writer, or to call yourself one. All you need really is to be passionate and to love it. Love it even when you hate it and it drives you crazy and you think that everything you're doing is wrong. And sometimes, ideas are things that you can buy, but to the soul passion? That's something that cannot be bought, only lived.

So that's what I focused on today. My passion for creating, and writing. To make something that by the end of the process I will love, no matter what happens during the process.

So, even today was a strugglebug day, I'm still proud of what I've added. And how far I've come since the start. I know I'm supposed to be at about 20k words by now, but it'll get there. The way I'm seeing it is that no matter what progress I make during NaNo. Whether I get to 50k or not. It's going to be something that I'll be proud of, because it's something that I haven't done in years when I was younger with a lot more discipline than I have now.

20% to the goooaaallll!!! See? Every day can just keep getting better.

I think there are a couple of things that I did and kind of fell in to again, which I don't know if I'm going to elaborate on because I'm not actually sure how many people would share the experience, but I do think it's been helping a lot.

It feels less like a burden to write at this point, because it feels less like I'm forcing myself. But, today, I did kind of fall under the melancholy of what November means.

Where it's halfway through Scorpio season. How (where I'm from) at this point you'd be writing finals. NaNo. That. Buzzing listless energy where November in the year feels the same as a Wednesday. That feeling of...almost there, but it feels like there's still a mountain in front of you. And, if you have a birthday in November it also goes hand in hand with family obligations and talking to people a lot more than you would normally.

And then, for people who believe in the zodiac. Half of the people would revere you for being a Scorpio and think you're "cool" and "mysterious", and the other half hates you because Scorpios are (again, at least where I'm from) seen as red flag toxic. When really it's just a bunch of anxiety riddled people self soothing in the corner and having too many emotions than you know how to properly articulate. It's a very interesting state of being.

So, yeah. I kind of fell under those thoughts.

BUT! I FINALLY WROTE STILES IN THE HOSPITAL. Which. Always fun, you know?

Okay, so yes I'm getting at the point where I'm worried about how far behind I am. But, I did manage to crank out about 2.5k words today and I'm hoping for more tomorrow.

I actually decided to rewatch Season 3B while I'm writing, which is really fun actually. And maybe that's also helping. I don't know, I don't understand my brain and even my boyfriend says that nobody should even try to understand it because all will fail.

I also finally wrote a real Sterek confrontation and you know? It's fun. I get why that's a cornerstone of their relationship. Not that mine is really angsty at this point. That's still a skill that I do not think I possess, BUT I'M WORKING ON IT. I also think it's hilarious that I'm saying it yet most of what I write is definitely in the dark fiction arena.

So, a whole ass 1.2k words today. I gotta say, it doesn't feel too shabby, especially thinking about how little I was writing in the days before. But, I buckled, and a playlist was made. And even through all the crazy of F1 today, I could actually get to a point.

It was a little scary, because I think I've mentioned that I've always been a huge planner? Well. That included that, as soon as the story started writing itself, I will pull it back to center, and keep on track.

And since I'm diving into this one. The story definitely started writing itself. I might have had a panic about it, and then got talked down. So, it's a lot of getting used to, but it's also kind of fun.

I made some headway into Stiles and Derek actually seeing each other. Which. Goes about smoothly as you think it would. And Peter being just. There. Everywhere.

And that's what I got!

Okay, so obviously I have not recovered yet emotionally from like day 5. But today I just went over what I already have, stretched some things that were kind of stilted and I added a brand new two sentences. Which, is probably not that bad if you think that for three days I have like. Zero words.

Right now I'm about. 8k behind? So, even though it's F1 this weekend, I'm going to valiantly try to keep up the writing, and hopefully make up for lost words!

Yes, yes. If you follow this. You will see that today I wrote a grand total of 0 words. Yup. Zero.

Look. I was in an emotional crisis. My boyfriend tried to blame it on himself, but. Like I told him. Both boyfriends were in a crisis.

I have learned eons ago to not Google spoilers. And last night, I did that stupid thing where I completely ignored all of my own boundaries set by me, and Googled a spoiler. It did not end well. Not even a little.

(I googled spoilers to the Teen Wolf Movie. Which just. You know. Cemented why I will never watch it. Ever. In my life. Not even if somebody paid me good money.)