Cryptic Penguin

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It really is amazing how bumping I tore one person last night changed my entire mood. Went for a walk because I was not feeling so well after work and even on my haphazard path with my slow pace, I rant into a literal angel lol. They offered a ride and we just got to talking. Wasn't filled with many laughs but just was a good talk and some helpful advice.

Trying to make the best of a situation factoring in everyone else's feelings is so fucking stressful. It's almost not worth it.

I was going to start this about how it's annoying when people can't let you know they have other plans when they agreed to the ones you already made with them. Few reasons I like going to stuff by myself so I don't have to worry about others or coordinating rides, times, places to eat etc. Makes its so draining to even go. People are so flaky with set plans. But this day turned out better than expected. After everyone went MIA, my other friend Ashlee met up with me for our life talk which went pretty well. We caught up, spilled some unexpected dirt on a mutual friend and even made some road trip plans for a weekend in Chicago for July. There was even networking. It was great and relaxing just having an honest convo with another friend. We ended up going to the previous event and walked around talking and joking. Then getting some food. Today could have been really bad. But last minute plans worked out. This has been the longest day ever.

I know this summer or all summers in general are suppose to be big recharging seasons with that bright warm sunlight. Esp since i’m a summer baby. And I want to embrace that because I will be trapped inside more often than not due to work or school. I can already feel the stress growing. I just want to be in the sun and so much more. 

Finish the task you declared a priority. Move onto the next step

For dating in general I can’t do that. I just Tinder mostly and be getting a few swipes here and there. I be thinking I’m having great decent convos. We have a few messages back and forth so we know it isn’t a spam bot and just talking. But then they stop replying. And I know people shouldn’t double text so I resist and leave it up to them to reply because maybe they got busy. After awhile I kinda just figure it out and move on without moving on. Because its like I can’t even invest any real feeling in case they fall off the face of the earth. I have gotten use to it but it still stings you know because its just an accepted norm now. I’m trying not to make it my norm because I have gotten chances to go ghost rather than deal with the break but I didn’t want to. It wouldn’t have felt right with me. 

Talked to my friend about empathetic listening and it made me had a few epiphanies for hetero relationships (romantic and platonic). As to why men have a disconnect communicating with girlfriends/wives. We (men) listen with an intention to fix. Taking the emotion out the issue and go straight to the problem. (should I hashtag this #straightproblems or #straightmaleproblems ? Lol) I digress. It comes down to listening AND understanding how she feels about the problem. She doesn't want the dude trying to rescue her or analyze a way out of it, doing it for her. And talking to my friend (who is female) made me realize I did that without realizing it and she called me out a few times for it b/c it gave her anxiety I was doing it. And I'm usually good at empathetic listening being a Cancer and INFP. Double whammy of an emotional storm in a flesh bag. It almost came second nature the way I grew up being a "The Helper" growing up. Being able to put myself in that person's place to what they were feeling. People say I was a great person to talk to. But I never realized I was taxing my own energy doing all that. So I deff feel I got burnt out along the way due to life/school etc that I lost that empathy and resorted to logical solutions. Cut out the middle person and solve xyz. I thought it would be healthier and more efficient. I decided to compartmentalize it. Separating the emotions from the problems. But that caused more problems that anything. I'm an emotional character. Practically in my sign even if I don't want to admit it. Yea it's a double edged sword but I'm getting better at it...I think.

I really feel my energy restored talking to people and know these are the kind of people I want in my life even if they can't do anything for me. I don't want to be around people where it feels like an obligation or we are just on mutual convenience until something better comes along.

I sometimes forget the benefits of fresh air after being stuck inside so much. Deff clears the clouds in my head. I must remember to breathe deeply when I'm outside. The world is filled with such wonderful colors.

When I gave you up, I didn't realize everything that would go away. The daily and nightly talks. Falling asleep over the phone while watching movies. The future meet ups. The overpowering laughter. The comfortable silences. The back and forth with daily shenanigans. The nicknames. The openness. People are cruel echoes of loved ones. Now where you were before there lies an emptiness. But nature abhors a vacuum. So all the leftover feelings get buried in there and rise up on occasion. I want them to go away rather than how they eat away at me. I feel like I did the right thing. I was never good at being selfish. Rather open my hand that risk crushing the precious thing in my hand.

There are good, bad and nothing days. 
I would prefer a bad day to a nothing day.
And a good day over everything. But I need those nothing and bad days to fully understand and appreciate the good days when it gets lonely.