My Blog I Guess

I just discharged from php on Friday but now it’s Sunday and I’m so close to another attempt, I start iop tomorrow idk maybe I’ll just cut

I keep getting so much anxiety and I also keep having anger freak outs screaming trying not to smash my head and break things I don’t know what’s wrong it’s like my brain is glitching out and the partial hospitalization program I’m in might have to discharge me due to insurance and I find out today I need a safe place to be during the day I’m scared

I think I need to stop smoking weed it makes me too hungry and I eat and get fat

I finally off that medication that was making me gain incredible amounts of weight I’m so happy!!

My ex triggered my ed a lot, it was not a good relationship but part of me wants to get back with him just to trigger myself into losing weight

My tummy is looking RIDICULOUS I have to get back to losing weight NOW. Seeing myself in the mirror this morning was EXTREME motivation

I came across some records from the first time I tried a program to recover from my ed. I found a worksheet on HAES and I’m so glad I didn’t get caught up in that movement. Had no idea that’s something the treatment program included wow

I so badly want to stop taking this medication. I might just stop taking it even though I’m already weaning off of it. I can’t stop eating. It’s putting me back into bad binge eating habits. I’m so over it. It’s putting me in extreme distress. I’m worried if I suddenly stop taking it my brain will freak out and I’ll try to take my life again impulsively. I hate this I hate this. I was doing good

Not doing good for steps today, ~4,000 and it’s 4PM :(

I hate this new med so much

I hate this fucking everything

I’m so bloated it’s ridiculous, I ate far too much sugar when I got out of the hospital. You can tell I’m bloated even with the baggiest clothes, I’m disgusting for eating all that it was actually insane

I have to start losing weight again, I haven’t weighed myself but I think I’m gaining weight